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Thisisarandomperson
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceJanuary 14, 2019
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Fear getting in the way.
Relationship Stress / by Thisisarandomperson
Last post
 January 23rd, 2019
...See more I have been in several mentally and physically abusive relationships. Ive dated people who have raped me, called me names, hit me, cheated on me, and severely lied to me. This dating history started when I was 16 and continuned on from there. I don't want this for myself anymore. My longest relationship lasted two years and I was the one that ended it. I have been the dumper in all my relationships. In the beginning I jumped in with people because I was insecure with myself. As I got older (I'm 26 turning 27 soon), I have worked though the confidince issues with a therapist. I spent two years of my life dating around but not jumping into anything serious. In those 2 years I was rejected by a few people which stung a bit. I just recently got out of a relationship 2 months ago that lasted 7 months. We ended up moving in together because my ex roomate was bringing drugs into the house I was not comfortable being around. I needed to find a place to go quickly. I moved in with my ex because I knew there was going to be no lease. I ended up dumping him and moving out because it came to my attention he lied to me about being a marine. I moved in with my mom for two weeks and searched for apartments. I just recently got my own place with no roomates so hopefully that brings a bit more stability in my life. In my personal life outside of dating, I tend to excell. I am great at my job, I am reliable, I have some good friends, I got therapy on a regular basis, I am also enrolled in school. The only area of my life that tends to go haywire is when I date. This has left me with a fear of inviting someone new to date into my life. When I meet someone new romantically I am afraid to let them in now. I dont know what the criteria is that I can tell who is worth bringing into my life romantically. I had a list of things I wanted out of my partner before I dated my most recent ex. I wanted them to have their own place, be close with their family, have a good job, and display honesty and responsibility. These were all the things I thought I was getting with my most recent ex. In the end everything he displayed about himself turned out to be a total lie. The house he told me he bought, his parents bought, he went though 3 jobs in 3 months. Some nights he stayed out really late, and he always seemed to blow through his money. I had a suspicion that he was using it on drugs but im not entirely sure. I will not tolerate this in my life. I was very frustrated and felt a jab to my confidence as I felt like this was all my fault because I jumped into it so quickly. In the beginning it seemed like he was hittting all the markers I wanted out of someone so I wanted to try. I did not think that someone would have the propensity to lie to that extent. Ive never had someone lie to me so much. I dont know how to get past this. I dont feel like I can trust anyone now. Even though I feel this way, I still would like to enjoy a healthy relationship one day. I dont know how to get past the fear. I feel like I do a lot for myself in my free time. When I talk to my peers I get told a mix of "I'm doing nothing wrong. Have fun and date" or "I just need to focus on myself". I feel confused on what to do. Part of me feels like a terrible person for dating because I know its what has always caused me the most problems in my life. Dating has brought me much tramua. I want to be able to enjoy it without hating myself. I really want to figure out what I am doing that I draw these types of people into my life. I genuinely want to better myself. I am always working to improve myself. My mom encouraged me to hit the dating scene again and just be light about it. I made a profile on bumble and ended up going on a few dates. Some were just awful and I didnt see them again. The last date I went on I met this guy that I liked. Im realizing now Im terrified of liking someone. I feel shame for enjoying their company. This guy really seems to like me a lot. I told him he needs to be patient with me as I dont want to jump into a relationship right away but I want to keep getting to know him. I didnt have sex with him but we ended up hooking up. In the moment I really enjoyed it. I felt shame towards myself about this after the fact because I felt it was wrong to move that fast. I really like him Im just scared that he will turn out to be just like my most recent ex and be awesome in the beginning and horrifying in the end. I spoke to him about my concerns and what I had been through. He told me not to worry that he likes me and that he understands my feelings. He told me the way that I felt made perfect sense and to take the time that I need, he will still be there. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am. He compliments my artistic talents and the kindness of my personality He has his own place, hes coming up on 2 years with his most current job, he lives a healthy lifestyle he has no criminal records, and he has a very mellow kind demeanor. He texts me thoughout the day to see how I am doing. I really enjoy those things but I am scared. What if he is just love bombing me and turns out to be abusive. He has been through some serious trauma too. Im scared because I have consistently fell for the wrong people It is my biggest insecurity. I dont know how to go about this area in my life the right way. I feel confused and sad about it. I feel some people think that I am the messed up one for being in so many bad relationships. The reality is I keep falling for the wrong people. I dont know what the right person is and now im scared that anybody that I like is going to turn out to be super messed up in an abusive way. What do I do?
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