Fear getting in the way.

@Thisisarandomperson

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I have been in several mentally and physically abusive relationships. Ive dated people who have raped me, called me names, hit me, cheated on me, and severely lied to me. (You went through a lot of horrible experiences, and it definetly impacted you. I would really take a close at the relationship you had with your parents and the relationship they have with you, because there could be some similarites with the toxic people you dated) This dating history started when I was 16 and continuned on from there. I don't want this for myself anymore. My longest relationship lasted two years and I was the one that ended it. I have been the dumper in all my relationships. In the beginning I jumped in with people because I was insecure with myself. (This is a sign you are projecting unmet needs you on them, so essentially its like using these people) As I got older (I'm 26 turning 27 soon), I have worked though the confidince issues with a therapist. I spent two years of my life dating around but not jumping into anything serious. In those 2 years I was rejected by a few people which stung a bit. I just recently got out of a relationship 2 months ago that lasted 7 months. We ended up moving in together because my ex roomate was bringing drugs into the house I was not comfortable being around. I needed to find a place to go quickly. I moved in with my ex because I knew there was going to be no lease. I ended up dumping him and moving out because it came to my attention he lied to me about being a marine. (These a sign he was hiding something for awhile, so if he is hiding things like this then he probably was hiding more things) I moved in with my mom for two weeks and searched for apartments. I just recently got my own place with no roomates so hopefully that brings a bit more stability in my life.

In my personal life outside of dating, I tend to excell. I am great at my job, I am reliable, I have some good friends, I got therapy on a regular basis, I am also enrolled in school. The only area of my life that tends to go haywire is when I date.

This has left me with a fear of inviting someone new to date into my life. When I meet someone new romantically I am afraid to let them in now. (This fear makes a lot of sense after the traumatic experiences you went through in your past, so it can be tough letting people in) I dont know what the criteria is that I can tell who is worth bringing into my life romantically. I had a list of things I wanted out of my partner before I dated my most recent ex. I wanted them to have their own place, be close with their family, have a good job, and display honesty and responsibility. These were all the things I thought I was getting with my most recent ex. In the end everything he displayed about himself turned out to be a total lie. (These kind of people tend to live a lie because they are afraid of being rejected and don't feel good enough about themselves) The house he told me he bought, his parents bought, he went though 3 jobs in 3 months. (This are sign he felt ashamed his parents bought the house and was afraid you wouldn't date him, so he decided to use lies. The fact he went through 3 jobs in a short amount of times shows his instability as an adult and it shows he doesn't have the ability to keep a job for long) Some nights he stayed out really late, and he always seemed to blow through his money. (This is reckless spending, which is a sign he would buy things to feel good and because he didn't have much money to grow up so it lead to anxiety on this area) I had a suspicion that he was using it on drugs but im not entirely sure. I will not tolerate this in my life. I was very frustrated and felt a jab to my confidence as I felt like this was all my fault because I jumped into it so quickly. (Its quite tough knowing he wasn't the right person, but the important thing right now is that you learned from it) In the beginning it seemed like he was hittting all the markers I wanted out of someone so I wanted to try. (The first 2-3 months is where they will put their best foot forward and then once they get comfortable is where you will see how they truly are. Its tough to see the red flags because the feelings of this new potential connection could produce you to feel great, but watching out for red flags is key)I did not think that someone would have the propensity to lie to that extent. Ive never had someone lie to me so much. (This is what he saw growing up, and then he used lies as a shield to not get rejected)

I dont know how to get past this. I dont feel like I can trust anyone now. (Its quite hurtful what he did and i could see it is something thats still affecting you) Even though I feel this way, I still would like to enjoy a healthy relationship one day. I dont know how to get past the fear. I feel like I do a lot for myself in my free time. When I talk to my peers I get told a mix of "I'm doing nothing wrong. Have fun and date" or "I just need to focus on myself". I feel confused on what to do. Part of me feels like a terrible person for dating because I know its what has always caused me the most problems in my life. (I don't think is the dating part, but rather the people you are investing on.) Dating has brought me much tramua. (I really think this trauma must had come from your past childhood, and the dating was just a symptom on a deeper issue) I want to be able to enjoy it without hating myself. I really want to figure out what I am doing that I draw these types of people into my life. (We are attracted to whats familiar. We are attracted to charasteristics and personalities that hurt us in the past. For example; Lets say your parents were inconsistent and didn't make you feel heard, then you be unconciously attracted to people who are inconsistent and won't listen to you. This goes in the unconcious of couse, but more than likely you will attract people who are similar to one or both of your parents) I genuinely want to better myself. I am always working to improve myself.

My mom encouraged me to hit the dating scene again and just be light about it. I made a profile on bumble and ended up going on a few dates. Some were just awful and I didnt see them again. The last date I went on I met this guy that I liked. Im realizing now Im terrified of liking someone.

I feel shame for enjoying their company. This guy really seems to like me a lot. I told him he needs to be patient with me as I dont want to jump into a relationship right away but I want to keep getting to know him. (I don't think it was a good idea to bring some sort of relationship topic in one date. The most important thing is learning about his past, to see if he is someone you are willing to invest on. You might have to take 2 months or more on getting to know a person to see if something is build) I didnt have sex with him but we ended up hooking up. In the moment I really enjoyed it. I felt shame towards myself about this after the fact because I felt it was wrong to move that fast. (You two felt attraction, and you behave natural in here) I really like him Im just scared that he will turn out to be just like my most recent ex and be awesome in the beginning and horrifying in the end. (Remember this, the first two months people will look great and amazing because this is something new, but once they feel comfortable is where you will see if this is how they are or someone different) I spoke to him about my concerns and what I had been through. (If you had go on one date with this person then it isn't a good idea to share these kind of topics right away. It's so important to share those things very very very slow over the course of months, this is an indication you could be eager to connect) He told me not to worry that he likes me (If this is 1-3 dates you two have been then he is coming on strong here because it takes time to develop this) and that he understands my feelings. He told me the way that I felt made perfect sense and to take the time that I need, he will still be there. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am. He compliments my artistic talents and the kindness of my personality

He has his own place, hes coming up on 2 years with his most current job, he lives a healthy lifestyle he has no criminal records, and he has a very mellow kind demeanor. He texts me thoughout the day to see how I am doing. (He has great qualities from what you shared, but im sensing he is coming on strong and a bit needy as well with the texting throughout the day. This will communicate he is more into you than you into him, which will make you feel scared) I really enjoy those things but I am scared. What if he is just love bombing me and turns out to be abusive. He has been through some serious trauma too. (What kind of trauma? This is going to play a role on the relationship. I do think you both shared too much information way too soon)

Im scared because I have consistently fell for the wrong people It is my biggest insecurity. (This is usually unconciously of course, but we are attracted to traits that made us feel hurt and of our parents, so its going to make you feel a lot of attraction. Its important to be conciously aware of this so you attracted the right people) I dont know how to go about this area in my life the right way. I feel confused and sad about it. I feel some people think that I am the messed up one for being in so many bad relationships. (I dont think you are a bad person, its just you were unconciously drawn to people who hurt you in the past) The reality is I keep falling for the wrong people. I dont know what the right person is and now im scared that anybody that I like is going to turn out to be super messed up in an abusive way. What do I do?