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ThomasMerton2
1,440 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceNovember 7, 2023
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Poor eating habits, health issues and everything in between
Eating Disorder Support / by ThomasMerton2
Last post
 November 15th, 2023
...See more So I have not been eating a lot from June to August due to struggles in managing my daily self care activities, finances, relationships and work in a new city which heavily impacted my mental and overall health. Due to my incapacity to live independently, I came back to my hometown and is now being under the care of my paternal grandparents and housemaids. My dad who provides financial support occasionally visits just to make sure I eat (he used to force feed me by mouth or let the maids do it as I was resistant). Then just last September I started to eat without being forced. I was eating bits of what is served but I eat more when my preferred (unhealthy) food is served, particularly pasta. People around me were desperate to feed me as they tried feeding me all the possible available meals they can prepare, even ordering food. They started buying takeouts just for me, preparing and buying a variety of noodles that made me start to eat more. It even came to a point where I was bought this particular takeout pasta on a daily basis wherein I would finish a full serving. I was also bingeing on adult milk, particularly Ensure Gold (around 500mg of powdered milk in a day) until I was called off. At present, I drink only one serving of this adult milk which I used to binge in and would occasionally eat depending on the food being served and my mood. I would eat sporadically and sometimes eat once or twice a day. I admit I am aware of these bad habits which cause me a variety of health issues such as this absence if periods, constipation and skin issues. I don’t even know how much I weigh anymore since I got checked for my under eating last August (42 kgs/ 92.5lbs). My dad isn’t willing to support my hospital visits anymore. I also neither go out nor respond to most friends who reach out to me due to my past and present circumstances except for my sister whom I remotely work for. I know everyone here is having a hard time dealing with me, even I am too. I would love to hear advices on how to get over this :/
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The Impossible Situation
Work & Career / by ThomasMerton2
Last post
 November 8th, 2023
...See more TW: suicidal thoughts Hi, I'm new here and I have plenty of issues—financial, social, mental, emotional, behavioral, spiritual, and cognitive, (perhaps intellectual, too). I quit my first onsite and fulltime job last July and was traumatized at myself and how I handled it upon looking back. I was in urgent need of a job since I was suffering the consequences of my financial mismanagement in an upscale city which is why I applied for as many high-paying jobs as I could. I didn't really read the job description for each position as I was rushing but ended up getting a few callbacks and chose the one with the highest salary. I was very confident, maybe even too much, that I could handle everything smoothly since I had previous experience with the job position (online and employers are the people who knew me). Then I kept making mistakes, could not follow simple instructions nor solve minor issues, fell short in generating new ideas, and was thinking about the endless negative possibilities of being fired. I could not eat properly and my routines were disrupted. Despite being constantly checked up by my officemates, I could not organize my thoughts properly nor communicate what I wanted/ needed to do. I became so suicidal that I overdosed on antibiotics hoping I would not wake up the next day. I did not even show up to work without permission about three times. I tried to improve my job performance by seeking advice, hanging out with friends, and looking up for online resources but none of it worked out. Our HR even went to my apartment several times to check up on me and the worst was when I was sleeping over at a former co-worker's house as she was messaging and calling me nonstop waiting outside during one stormy night. I was overridden with guilt, anxiety, and shame that I resigned through e-mail and did not claim my last pay. My officemates and even my boss were even reaching out to but I could not reply to any of them. In the end, I went back to my hometown now being under the care and support of my family who saw me as a disgrace a month after my humiliating first onsite job experience. Since then, I barely left my house, have poor eating habits, get teased by the people at home, hide in shame and avoid contact with my friends or any onsite job since everyone in my small city knows either me, my family, or my friends. I currently work as a virtual assistant for my sister for 17USD per 7hrs of online work and I've been wanting to get a better job. Problem is my low self-esteem gets me stuck in online job applications that require video introductions or interviews. Can I get any advice for my situation? How do I deal with my fear, past actions and former co-workers? Are there any jobs that don't require turning on my camera or are there investment opportunities that accept minimum capital? 
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Help
Newbie Hub / by ThomasMerton2
Last post
 November 7th, 2023
...See more Hi all, I'm new here. Last year, I made the biggest mistake in my life which took a huge toll on my relationships, most especially with my family. I moved to a new city under the financial support of my father with the promise of attaining my board examination license after my undergraduate studies. Due to my poor habits, terrible financial management, distractions, and a significant fight with my father, I didn't proceed with my original plan, resorted to rebellion, and made bad decision after another. Then when I thought my life was starting to get better upon landing a good-paying job, things started to turn around. I wasn't able to handle the stress of receiving criticisms well at work (it was my first time working in an onsite fulltime job). I kept on making mistakes despite my attempts as I sought advice, looked up online resources, went on occasional weekend socials, got constantly checked up by my officemates and HR. I was even offered support from my boss. But still, none of it really worked. Ultimately, I decided to resign. Then I faced financial issues, panic, anxiety, and depression about how bad I was going to look in the eyes of those who witnessed my rebellion. I moved from one place to another since I can no longer pay for my survival. I was really blessed with a lot of good people yet no one could really stand me and my mental health issues to the point that they contacted my father. Which is how I ended up living with my paternal grandparents and household helpers. It's been 3 months since I got here, I'm still having a hard time interacting with the people around, dealing with my bad eating habits, doing chores, working an online job to pay for my loan, and in finding a way out of this. I used to be suicidal and weighed at about 92 lbs upon arriving but am slowly finding hope out of my situation as I eat nowadays and reach out to a very few friends. I still tend to have breakdowns and get mad when I'm insulted here at home. I struggle to find my purpose and in finding what I'm really good at. I know I am blessed to not have ended up in the streets but this feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and not being understood really makes me rethink about going back to *that dark place* I admit I'm a terrible person and I don't think, feel or act like normal people do. I think I need someone to constantly tell me what to do or how to manage my life efficiently
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