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Recently, I faced a big loss, the kind that make you ask deep questions about life and about yourself. In all my reflections, I reached one important thought:
I feel like I am right at the edge between a normal person and someone that will clearly never fit. That it is a hard place to stay at, of course some people have faced much worse than me, but being at this intersection gives me a lot of questions about my life choices.
I think that, if I had been just a bit more outside the norm, people around me, parents, teachers, friends, would never have expected me to live normally. I would have naturally fallen into the 'yeah he is just like that, don't mind him' category. I would not have had the same expectations for myself. It would not have been an easier life, but it would have been more clear, in what I could expect and not expect.
And of course, if I had been closer to the norms, in term of behavior and social interactions, then adapting to the usual lifestyle, to the ways people connect with each others, would have been easier.
But instead, I stand here right at the border, where I have spent the last years of my life. I fantasized about having a normal life, building deeper connections with friendly people I met. I have made some incursions into normal social interactions, having slightly deeper friendships, relationship... But they did not last. I ended up feeling emotionally exhausted too often, or bored by people sometimes. So I returned back to the border, where things are more manageable. I am just wandering between two worlds. I wish I would have built a life more defined, with more will, than the one I have now, but being in between, all I did is half attempts.
Now, I would like to ask, do you also feel this way. Is there other people secretly feel like performing normal daily life puts them at the edge already ?
To clarify, I don't want to imply that living out of the social norms is inherently bad, or that people living this kind of life are dysfunctional. I might have mixed those two ways of being an unconventional person in this message, if that is the case, it is only because I feel like both could apply to me. Everyone is free to live a life that suits them.
