Do you also feel like you live at the border of life ?
Recently, I faced a big loss, the kind that make you ask deep questions about life and about yourself. In all my reflections, I reached one important thought:
I feel like I am right at the edge between a normal person and someone that will clearly never fit. That it is a hard place to stay at, of course some people have faced much worse than me, but being at this intersection gives me a lot of questions about my life choices.
I think that, if I had been just a bit more outside the norm, people around me, parents, teachers, friends, would never have expected me to live normally. I would have naturally fallen into the 'yeah he is just like that, don't mind him' category. I would not have had the same expectations for myself. It would not have been an easier life, but it would have been more clear, in what I could expect and not expect.
And of course, if I had been closer to the norms, in term of behavior and social interactions, then adapting to the usual lifestyle, to the ways people connect with each others, would have been easier.
But instead, I stand here right at the border, where I have spent the last years of my life. I fantasized about having a normal life, building deeper connections with friendly people I met. I have made some incursions into normal social interactions, having slightly deeper friendships, relationship... But they did not last. I ended up feeling emotionally exhausted too often, or bored by people sometimes. So I returned back to the border, where things are more manageable. I am just wandering between two worlds. I wish I would have built a life more defined, with more will, than the one I have now, but being in between, all I did is half attempts.
Now, I would like to ask, do you also feel this way. Is there other people secretly feel like performing normal daily life puts them at the edge already ?
To clarify, I don't want to imply that living out of the social norms is inherently bad, or that people living this kind of life are dysfunctional. I might have mixed those two ways of being an unconventional person in this message, if that is the case, it is only because I feel like both could apply to me. Everyone is free to live a life that suits them.
To clarify again, using the word 'normal' was probably not the best choice of word. I didn't want to frame things in terms of neurotypical/neurodivergent, because i am most likely neurotypical. The framing I wanted to express here, the one that better applies to me, is more functionning/non-functionning.
It is not about fitting a norm, but just about how much stability and satisfaction one can have in his life. To anyone reading this, please don't take my first post as a judgement of your or anyone's identity. It was simply me trying to process an important question about myself, and I wanted to share it here :)
@Tompanda
I've read your description of how the things may sound on the surface, but, sorry, I still cannot fully grasp the actual reason of your feeling "the one who doesn't fit".
I think we are society of people who don't fit, and the real trouble is those who "fit" (by believing in anything that is said on TV, going for vacation to fashionable "top" places, always having a fake smile for someone they hate, or scrolling through social media five hours a day).
But I used to feel very lonely through a half of my life, and I think one of the biggest traps of it is believing my way of thinking is "unique", that I am "special" or deserve any special treatment. Nope. Maybe I am the only example of myself, but still not much makes me different than the others.
Once during some very deep conversation with ChatGPT I asked him if there were many people on the world who share my feelings, views or concerns. And the answer was devastating: yes, there are many of them. Feeling special might be good for our self-esteem, but also might build walls between us and the "other people".
What I wanted to say is I believe a large part of humanity is trying to go against the stream. But they usually do it in silence, not shouting it out like the people who go _with_ the stream.
When I was 40+ I realised I am introverted (though people at my jobs or schools wouldn't believe it) and carry on some autistic traits. So, yes, I understand that talking to some people can be really boring 😉
Hi there friend!! I here you and I feel like perhaps no matter which path we choose we'll always essentially see how we could have done things better or created a life more suitable for our happiness down the line... I too feel like my day to day is all an act... but yk.... I was completely free... like so free... it wasn't all bad, but there was no balance..... I think you should give yourself more credit in your "half attempts," you mean you stayed grounded? Im proud of you. I think the most frustrating part is how boring peace can be... balance.. also means letting lose but having a healthy outlit to do so.. (: This is a starting point for me too...
I appreciate what you said about unconventional life styles.... but remember the wise words "the grass is always greener on the other side,"? Both my ex and current boyfriend are both in prison. Both were very popular and known for things that made prison no surprise to anyone... Neither of them are given any help either, because of their life choices.
Your routine gives dependability, integrity, and trustworthiness. Wishing, and wanting to throw it all away.. to change and become unconventional... its an urge that brings a noble fight.. but please do not falter... the hangover movies were fun until they weren't right?? 𥺠I've been there done that I cant watch another soldier go down
So...Im not Hindu but, in the Bhagavad Gita they describe our daily routines, as we are the performers of these tasks... and that also it is essential to remember that we are all in a sense performers in our own worlds..
This for me came with understanding mania too.. sometimes when experiencing a manic episode we feel as though reality has not only shifted but completely changed into a different one.. It can feel very singular but thats where understanding perspective vs. perception comes in... For me perspective means taking a trip through others stories so that you can see the challenges you'd be facing in those circumstances... or the emotions that would linger in cause of situations or passed on discontorted morals that became personal beliefs to others... Perception goes both ways... taking the time to find out what's going through other peoples heads... so that you dont get stuck in yours... thats where perception comes into play....
Just some things to dive into really for your own personal exploration because your words resonated with me.... but another thing that has been helping me socially, trying to be more open and talk to people... because after reinventing yourself and letting go of everyone... its hard out here, and it started leaking into work... my boss recommended me look into what's called Radical Candor as well... when I looked it up, it felt cynical, and it felt like a validation on how everyone is fake... but then i remembered my on senserity, how genuine I am when I try to make friends and connect, and so I know if I at my core genuinely do care others do too.
I hope this helped....or gave you some things to consider looking into so that you dont feel as alone in this... If you'd like to message me feel free, I'd love to hear your story.
