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Unifo
23 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts0 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceNovember 20, 2014
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Ruining myself
Depression Support / by Unifo
Last post
 November 21st, 2014
...See more I've had anxiety and depression issues for a very long time. I can't actually put an age because it just feels like i've always had it. It started with the fact that i've just had a completely abusive father, both physically and mentally. Although now in adulthood I can shrug it off and realized it happened, I can't change it, it has actually effected who i've grown up to be. Usually I cut myself off from the world and just mindlessly go about life trying to push through things, but then usually something different will happen, and I decide to give it a shot.  In this case I started a relationship with possibly the greatest guy I could ever ask for. It was unexpected and the fact he wanted anything to actually do with me shocked me. Going in I explained to him I have a lot of issues. I don't really trust anyone do to a lot of painful experiences involving multiple people hurting me over and over even when I gave them my all.  I explained I have emotional moments randomly where I'll just get depressed, sad, and just feel like everything in the world is meaningless. I even put enough trust in him to tell him the about the times i've actually tried killing myself. He has his own problems but he accepts mine. He has been patient, and I couldn't ask for more. But now I can tell i'm already starting to diminish what patience he has. I hate that I don't trust him. I hate that i'm constantly thinking today's the day he's going to leave me. I hate that I fight with him over my obvious stupidity. I hate that I can't get myself to stop thinking he's doing the worst possible stuff behind my back, when really he's doing the opposite. I hate that I am messing up something actually good in my life. I hate that right now I am constantly just thinking about killing myself just to get the thoughts to stop. I really hate that aside from just wanting to kill myself, i'm thinking of just going back to using certain drugs to get high off of just not to feel anything like I use to do.  I don't like the person I am right now, and I really don't know what to do.
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