Ruining myself
I've had anxiety and depression issues for a very long time. I can't actually put an age because it just feels like i've always had it. It started with the fact that i'vejust had a completely abusive father, both physically and mentally. Although now in adulthood I can shrug it off and realized it happened, I can't change it, it has actually effected who i've grown up to be. Usually I cut myself off from the world and just mindlessly go about life trying to push through things,but then usually something different will happen, and I decide to give it a shot.
In this case I started a relationship with possibly the greatest guy I could ever ask for. It was unexpected and the fact he wanted anything to actually do with me shocked me. Going in I explained to him I have a lot of issues. I don't really trust anyone do to a lot of painful experiences involving multiple people hurting me over and over even when I gave them my all.I explained I have emotional moments randomly where I'll just get depressed, sad, and just feel like everything in the world is meaningless. I even put enough trust in him to tell him the about the times i've actually tried killing myself.
He has his own problems but he accepts mine. He has been patient, and I couldn't ask for more. But now I can tell i'm already starting to diminish what patience he has.
I hate that I don't trust him. I hate that i'm constantly thinkingtoday's the day he's going to leave me. I hate that I fight with him over my obvious stupidity. I hate that I can't get myself to stop thinking he's doing the worst possible stuff behind my back, when really he's doing the opposite. I hate that I am messing up something actually good in my life. I hate that right now I am constantly just thinking about killing myself just to get the thoughts to stop. I really hate that aside from just wanting to kill myself, i'm thinking of just going back to using certain drugs to get high off of just not to feel anything like I use to do.
I don't like the person I am right now, and I really don't know what to do.
You are me, pretty much to a T. But the main difference I lost my boy and I don't know what to do. I put too much pressure on him and he ran and now he won't even talk to me without insulting me.
If this guy is really special to you, then find healthy outlets for your struggles that don't reach him. Try yoga, or meditation, or reading spiritual books that uplift the soul. Try getting lunch with a close friend and vent so he can breathe. Save some time for you to enjoy each other. It's important for him to be supportive too at times. If he isn't going to support you then he isn't the right guy. People like us are rare. We are broken and destroyed beyond belief and no one understands what we go through each and every day. So finding someone who understands, values, and is really the right fit may take time and patience.
I lost the love of my life and the only person that made my life better because I was too weak on my own. You have work to find something within you and in the world around you to bring you up on your own. You are your own best friend and number one supporter. Let him help, but try to find some sort of happiness as well.
hey....
i too have an abusive father and its so easy to get stuck in low self esteem and negative thinking because fathers are characters who are with us in the growing phase and a bad one can create problems..i can understand how you feel.....now you just need to remove those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.....you are blessed....you are wonderful....people do like you....your bad days are over and good ones have started..just enjoy them instead of judging them....be positive....what you think is how things around you will be....alter your negative belief system replace it with a totally positive one....try positive affirmations...it will be hard initially....but you need to change the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones...automaticallly you will be fine....