...See more
Trigger Warning (Information about Pedophilia )
-
-
-
Pedophilia & My Sexuality. These are the two things that I feel like I need to massively get off my chest, and I'll just write as I go.
So I guess if I had to start it would be with my childhood and how we've gotten here too. When I was a child, I had some intimate affairs with someone my own age. The weird part about it all, is how I didn't even hate or dislike it per say but knowing what it was looking back, its insane to think that happened. We had some sexual encounters with one another, both around the same age with me and him both being around eleven or twelve.
I hadn't thought of how weird and strange maybe, this was until I was older. That has sort of had an effect on my sexuality too, with me never being sure about my own sexuality. It makes it hard to talk to anyone else really about it.
At some point, I want to say several years ago now I had an inkling to lookup some rather illegal stuff on the darker parts of the web and when I eventually indulged in it, I felt so bad and guilty that I was practically having some sort of midlife crisis right there. With me wanting to do things to myself or what have you just so I could "punish" myself for what I did. Just how I was such a good kid before now, but now that I've done this I'm "no good now. "
Now I stay far, far away from that sort of 'real content' but in the moment I feel very bad about looking at content that was actively making the world a worse place.
I look at other things like Anime/Manga based pornography, and I take many of my fantasies or urges using that for pleasures or normal generic pornography with fetishes, thoughts or fantasies I desire at the time in place of anything like that, which I had seen before.
At least with the opinion, that I can have these fantasies no matter how depraved they are as long they are in place of safety and stay as is, fantasy. It isn't like I'm not attracted to adults in a sexual fashion, or anything like that.
That being said, that had me thinking whether I had POCD or not, given how scared I am of being or becoming a pedophile. It's not something that gives me stress or anxiety 24/7, but it is something I think about every once in awhile with the thought that I would hate to be a person like that. I know in my heart that I'm not, but sometimes it causes me a bit of stress like what if I am and I just don't know it yet? All the what ifs and what evens.
It was something that had been bothering me for ages, and I would hate to be that type of person mainly because my life itself is not going all that badly.
I'm fairly successful, right now I can't have everything and I struggle, but I have an associate's degree and I'm working through a Bachelor's degree. I've always been a good person, I always try to help people when I can and at the time when I viewed that material I had felt like I had to reset myself.
Better go back to the beginning now that I've done this one really bad thing, and even now sometimes I cannot forgive myself for it thinking I'm becoming something that needs to go away, permanently. I don't feel that way now, I think but it wasn't something easy to talk about either given the social statuses behind either of the two things I had mentioned.
I think I am in a sense overthinking it, as I am often to do but I just really wanted to let this go so I could get my feeling on the page. To be honest, in regards to my sexuality, I've sort of bit by bit sort of accepted that I'm bisexuality in some manner given the sexual feelings I have had sometimes.
I think in regards to that, I'm just kind of scared to tell other people because what they might think. Just like how I've not exactly disliked the idea of crossdressing or dressing up to look more like a woman from time to time.
I had said once, that if I had no qualms with being judged by anyone or anything, I would do all kinds of things. Makeup, Lipstick, and everything. It sounded a bit . . fun, actually. I feel like I know the answers already, but getting other people's support never hurts either. I'm just glad to finally put the words to somewhere so that I don't feel so alone.