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WhatDidIDoNow
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2026 Member sinceOctober 8, 2026
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Not sure if my marriage will last or if we ever should have gotten married to begin with
Relationship Stress / by WhatDidIDoNow
Last post
 Friday
...See more IIf you want to read a novel/loosely structured venting, you've come to the right place. I've been married for 7 years and we've had more ups and downs than I think is reasonable for a healthy relationship. Even before we got married we had a lot of back and forth with things being rocky and then good. There were times in college I'd be at my friend's house at least once a week because something turned explosive, he verbally abused me and stormed out and I didn't know what to do. My friends probably did and still do think I'm dumb for being in this relationship. He had a rough childhood, has PTSD, bipolar 2 and maybe other undiagnosed things. I had a better childhood than most, ADHD, PMDD, among other things that dont always mesh well with his mental health struggles. The reason I stayed initially was i worked in mental health, he was undiagnosed and I KNEW there was more going on. I knew he wasn't a bad person, he just needed help. Once he got that help, I could breathe and it would all get better, right? Eh, kinda but not really. With him getting on meds and going to individual counseling our fights got less explosive - usually they blew up because he went from 0-60 in the blink of an eye and I am a people pleaser who is uncomfortable with conflict and wants to fix everything now and struggled to give him any space to cool off. There was less verbal abuse, but still things werent great until we finally went to couples counseling after wr got married, he refused premarital counseling (that should have been a hard stop for me right there). Marital counseling helped a lot the first time. For a while we were pretty good, I felt like maybe I could finally feel like this relationship isn't so much work all the time. Truly I do love the man, he is my best friend and we get along very well, until we dont, and I dont know when that turning point is because he can be very unpredictable and is generally more sensitive than the average person. His family will tell you the same thing and he has always been sensitive. He's been off his bipolar meds for a while because he didnt like the side effects and thought he could manage just with therapy. I supported him trying, but he never did the therapy part. Its been at least 6 months now. I dont think he sees how much his mental health effects things. I know I'm not perfect either. I can be defensive, very "one track minded" and only focus on the issue at hand that triggered the argument, basically the symptom of the problem, and not the problem of itself. I get caught up in that, but so does he. PMDD ansd ADHD add to my struggle. I like to be right, so does he, that doesnt mesh well. It just feels like cycle after cycle of arguments, never fixing anything. My apologies are never good enough, he assumes my intentions are bad and I hurt him on purpose, (As if I married him just to bully him for the rest of hus life??!), I never take enough accountability to satisfy bim. Sometimes he takes accountability and other times he tries to convince me I have no reason to be upset. He will yell at me and call me names, justify it in the moment, calm down later and apologize acknowledging that wasnt okay, only to justify it later with, "It wasnt okay but anyone else would have reacted the same way in that situation." I KNOW he is capable of being a good partner. I know it takes two people to form a healthy relationship. I'm probably downplaying all of my shortcomings. I'm just hurting a lot right now. Currently he has barely said a word to me since Monday night when I told him I was upset about a couple of things he said. He tried to justify them with no apology and I just gave up on the conversation. There was no fight, it just ended with an "Ok" from me. I dont know why I'm being stonewalled. I would love to work it out. Despite all this I just typed out, when there isnt dumb crap happening we're great together. We make each other laugh constantly, we spend a lot of time together, share hobbies, we're comfortable being ourselves, I dont like the thought of not having him anymore but I also fantasize about being single. I feel like my husband is two different people mashed into one. My best friend who I love and some senseless jerk who pops up out of nowhere. I know I myself will be okay without him, I'm not codependent, in fact I'm the breadwinner and manage too much. Nothing is balanced. I do 3/4 of the chores and all of the household management and make like 5x more money and pay most the bills. The money doesnt matter, but the rest sucks. I dont feel like I have a partner either. Ive communicated that but nothing has changed. I even put everything in my head that I manage behind the scenes on a whiteboard so he can pick things to do too, which he agreed to, and he hasnt done a thing. Its been there for at least 2 months. If youv'e gotten this far, thanks for reading my rant. ♥️
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