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Yorkshirelad12
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 15, 2018
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Struggling after a break up
Relationship Stress / by Yorkshirelad12
Last post
 February 16th, 2018
...See more Hi all I apologies now because I do feel when compared to real issues, mine are really not that significant, but I don't feel like I'm in a good place right now. August 2017, my Dad passed away (I say dad but he was actually my Grandfather, as I was brought up by my grandparents). He'd been ill for the past 2 years and I'd been his carer between work. I dealt with his death pretty good, but after 12 years I'd not had a girlfriend since I was 19...and felt it was now time look towards that part of my life. I joined a rural dating sight designed for those who live in the countryside (I'm in the UK). I built the courage and messaged someone, and to my surprise she replied. I've always been shy regarding relationships, I've always been overweight. We messaged back and forth for a week and in which time I fully admit I became infatuated. We met, and I'll be honest my heart sank.....as she wasn't quite how I imagined she would be personality wise. However I did like her, and we met the next day. Second date I felt things were really off and wasn't going to work...it just didn't feel right. However we kept texting and on the third date a week later I met her little boy....and it all felt perfect. That week I told her in a text that I liked her and she said she liked me too. Each week we'd meet and do something together with her little boy. Between seeing her we would text every night, and the odd phone call. I should add she'd come out of a 10 year relationship (a couple of those years were marriage) and then her ex cheated on her. Between seeing her I would have niggling doubts on how I felt about her. A month later we had our first kiss, and she visited me and we had a day out together. Before she left I said 'I guess I can call you my girlfriend now' to which she said 'Yes I think so'. That evening she had picked her little boy from the ex...and she went quiet on the texts, and throughout December, things never felt quite right... I knew something was wrong, and foolishly thought it was because she was worried about me suggesting intimacy. Built up to Christmas and her little boy went to his Dads, and I hoped we would be able to spend more time together, however she became guarded and we met for a drink. We exchanged christmas gifts and had a couple of kisses. Texted up to christmas and then after that she went very quiet.... in the end I had to ask her if she still liked me....she said only as a friend...she thought the romantic feelings would come but they haven't. She'd liked to stay friends but understood if I didn't. We decided to go silent until I was ready. Two days after new year I text her to say how wonderful the past two months had been, but unfortunatley I couldn't stay friends as it would break me to see men come into her and her little boys life in a way that I wanted to be. She replied saying she understood and wished me all the best. I've been ok the past 6 weeks, and had come off the dating sight. I'm a abit of a hyperchondriac and few weeks ago I noticed a stitch feeling in my upper abdomen, which all seemed to start after I went back onto Metformin for my diabetes. The stitch I only noticed maybe once a week until I googled...and read about pancreatic cancer. Since then I've been worrying, and have had blood tests for my diabetes plus a check for tumour markers as the doctor said just to 'for your own peace of mind'. I'm feeling better since the nurse who did my bloods said my liver levels were normal 8 weeks ago. To help distract my mind, I decided to go back on the dating sight...and as to be expecte saw her profile (didn't click on it at first). I realised that I needed to block her on there otherwise I'd always be wondering if she may message me. On blocking her I had to look at her profile....saw she had added a new photo, a selfie she had taken and sent to me 3 months ago....and that point I fell apart.... crying my eyes out. I still struggle to know why I'm so upset as I know I'd had my doubts about how I felt, I know I didn't love her. However it felt very special having someone in my life who at one time I thought, cared for me in a romantic way.... something that I'd not felt for 12 years.....yet it then turns out she didn't feel for me at all. Last night I messaged someone else on the dating sight, which felt like a real big step. Sadly, the person in question hasn't replied...which has knocked me back down again, and with my worrying about the stitch... I've fell a part abit today. My one consolation is my Border Collie, Lass who everytime I get upset comes rushing over to try and make me better. I apolgoise for such a long post....and I realise that my problems aren't signficant in the overall scheme of things. But I just want to know how I'm going to move forward....I think deep down I always thought I might hear from her (I sent two dvds back of hers and she still has two of mine....I had wondered had she not sent them back as she was hoping to keep lines open)..... I now have hit the brutal truth that I wont hear from her again. I know deep down it probably wasn't right....but at the moment I feel so alone, I miss having her to talk to... I know I need to move on....hold my head up high, but I'm not sure how. Thank you for listening Tom
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