Struggling after a break up

@Yorkshirelad12

Hey there.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You know just because others have it worst doesn't make your problems less important. If it affects you it IS important!

Now I want to go by steps here:

1) being overweight isn't exactly negative. I'm guessing you feel insecure about it? If you do just know that the situation can change. Is better to be overweight than to have a crappy personality, because this last one can not be changed!

To not mention weight is hard to deal with when you have diabetes, because most of the times you have to adjust what you can eat.

2) is understandable what you felt with the selfie. You thought you could move on but then all the feelings came all at once when you saw a picture that once was "given" to you.

Thing is you have to remember that sometimes things just don't go the way we want sadly. I think was very respectable of her to be genuine with you, she cared that much for you. She didn't lead you in a lie, she wanted you to move on and have someone that is worhy of you and your love. And I think we can both agree that you do deserve a fantastic partner :)

I would recommend you to not put so much pressure on yourself. I think if you work on your self esteem and health your self esteem will get better and the way you talk to women might get genuinly better and easier.

And when someone shows up also try to not hurry it. Take it slow, enjoy it the best that you can.

Best of luck

Thank you for the reply booklover

I'll be honest, I'm going through a phase of really hating her at the moment, that I realise is probably wrong. She said she'd felt it for some time, and I wish she said it sooner, rather than going quieter and quieter with me to the point I had to ask her.

Regarding my weight (which incidentally she never had a problem with as I'm slimmer than her ex) I've already been going to the gym since before Christmas and I am losing weight. I know thats going to do my self esteem good.

Thank you again for replying.

@Yorkshirelad12

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I apologies now because I do feel when compared to real issues, mine are really not that significant, but I don't feel like I'm in a good place right now. (What you are going through is important and significant)

August 2017, my Dad passed away (I say dad but he was actually my Grandfather, as I was brought up by my grandparents). (Hopefully he is resting in peace, he sounds like an amazing person who took good care of you). He'd been ill for the past 2 years and I'd been his carer between work. I dealt with his death pretty good, but after 12 years I'd not had a girlfriend since I was 19...and felt it was now time look towards that part of my life.

I joined a rural dating sight designed for those who live in the countryside (I'm in the UK). I built the courage and messaged someone, and to my surprise she replied. I've always been shy regarding relationships, I've always been overweight. (Strength and the way a man carry themselves is beauty to a woman, you don't have to have a body builder type or athletic body. The most important quality is confidence and feeling secure about yourself, it's what it will attract a woman to you). We messaged back and forth for a week and in which time I fully admit I became infatuated. (Everything was new and excited, however the level of infatuation shouldn't have been so high if you two didn't met at this point). We met, and I'll be honest my heart sank.....as she wasn't quite how I imagined she would be personality wise. (This is one of the reasons its important to first meet people in person, to see if the connection and excitement carries from online to in person). However I did like her, and we met the next day. Second date I felt things were really off and wasn't going to work...it just didn't feel right. (Your gut feeling was telling you something here).

However we kept texting and on the third date a week later I met her little boy....and it all felt perfect. That week I told her in a text that I liked her and she said she liked me too. (It was a bit too soon to share your feelings with her without taking the proper time to get to know her in person. She did reciprocated your feelings, but this is part of both sides projecting unmet needs on each other and hungry to feel loved. It's very important to look for possible red flags and getting to know her because in relationships there's a risk of getting hurt, so you have to make sure that's a person you want before investing your emotions and feelings). Each week we'd meet and do something together with her little boy. Between seeing her we would text every night, and the odd phone call. I should add she'd come out of a 10 year relationship (a couple of those years were marriage) and then her ex cheated on her. (People who come out of 10 year relationships are going to have their feelings raw, at one point they will be so into you and then they won't want to be around you the next day. Emotional healing takes time, and there's a high chance she was afraid of getting hurt and being cheated again)

Between seeing her I would have niggling doubts on how I felt about her. (You were not fully into her, however you went along with things even though you had doubs, it was easier to be with her than to be without anyone). A month later we had our first kiss, and she visited me and we had a day out together. (This means she had some sort of attraction for you). Before she left I said 'I guess I can call you my girlfriend now' to which she said 'Yes I think so'. (It was not a good idea to say that because she came out of a hurtful breakup and the last thing she wanted was to be in a relationship. I believe she would have brought up this topic first without you bringing it up, and it would have meant she was ready. Her answer sounds like she was not sure and didn't want to hurt your feelings.) That evening she had picked her little boy from the ex...and she went quiet on the texts, and throughout December, things never felt quite right...(She felt smothered after the "'I guess I can call you my girlfriend now' because it was coming a bit strong and she wasn't quite ready for this step, granted she shouldn't have say "yea i think so".) I knew something was wrong, and foolishly thought it was because she was worried about me suggesting intimacy. (Intimacy has to come with a natural flow, it shouldn't be suggested in that manner, if it happens in the moment then it happens, but she was starting to back away slowly).

Built up to Christmas and her little boy went to his Dads, and I hoped we would be able to spend more time together, however she became guarded and we met for a drink. (She was starting to protect her heart from further pain and hurt, it was not easy her last breakup). We exchanged christmas gifts and had a couple of kisses. (I think intimacy should have happen here, going with the flow while checking if she gives you signs etc, it would have communicated confidence to her). Texted up to christmas and then after that she went very quiet.... (It's better to not spend too much time texting back and forth unless it's a long distance relationship, if she is close then it'll kill all of attraction slowly and it turns into a phoneship. It's better to save the chit-chat in person, and to ask her out on dates). in the end I had to ask her if she still liked me....(This was not a good idea, you are looking for reassurance and it'll make her feel uncomfortable and strange inside with this questions). she said only as a friend...(Sorry to hear that, it must had hurt a lot hearing those words). she thought the romantic feelings would come but they haven't. (I believe it has to do with too much texting, waiting a long time to kiss her and not going for what you want when it comes to intimacy). She'd liked to stay friends but understood if I didn't. We decided to go silent until I was ready.

Two days after new year I text her to say how wonderful the past two months had been, but unfortunatley I couldn't stay friends as it would break me to see men come into her and her little boys life in a way that I wanted to be. (You did great by saying that to her, it must had been hard to say it to her. It's not a good idea to go with friendship when you want something romantic). She replied saying she understood and wished me all the best.

I've been ok the past 6 weeks, and had come off the dating sight. I'm a abit of a hyperchondriac and few weeks ago I noticed a stitch feeling in my upper abdomen, which all seemed to start after I went back onto Metformin for my diabetes. (Hopefully you feel better soon).The stitch I only noticed maybe once a week until I googled...and read about pancreatic cancer. Since then I've been worrying, and have had blood tests for my diabetes plus a check for tumour markers as the doctor said just to 'for your own peace of mind'. I'm feeling better since the nurse who did my bloods said my liver levels were normal 8 weeks ago. (I'm glad things went well, you deserve to be happy).

To help distract my mind, I decided to go back on the dating sight...and as to be expecte saw her profile (didn't click on it at first). I realised that I needed to block her on there otherwise I'd always be wondering if she may message me. On blocking her I had to look at her profile....saw she had added a new photo, a selfie she had taken and sent to me 3 months ago....and that point I fell apart.... crying my eyes out. (This must had been very tough on you to see, it probably took you back to that time she sent you the picture). I still struggle to know why I'm so upset as I know I'd had my doubts about how I felt, I know I didn't love her. However it felt very special having someone in my life who at one time I thought, cared for me in a romantic way.... something that I'd not felt for 12 years.....yet it then turns out she didn't feel for me at all. (I believe you were hungry to feel loved, cared, validated and accepted so much that you would have been with anyone even if you didn't have any kind of feelings for the other person. People who are hungry for love and put a projection of hope tend to ignore the red flags, gut feelings, doubts, emotionaly and physicall abuse because they feel loved and accepted.)

Last night I messaged someone else on the dating sight, which felt like a real big step. Sadly, the person in question hasn't replied...(Most women get over 100 messages in their inbox, at times they don't have time to reply to everyone). which has knocked me back down again, (I believe you internalized it as "She doesn't want to talk with me" or "Im not good enough", so its one of the reasons it has knock you down). and with my worrying about the stitch... I've fell a part abit today. My one consolation is my Border Collie, Lass who everytime I get upset comes rushing over to try and make me better.(It's important to have these kind of people in your life in times where you need a lot of support).

I apolgoise for such a long post....and I realise that my problems aren't signficant in the overall scheme of things. But I just want to know how I'm going to move forward....I think deep down I always thought I might hear from her (I sent two dvds back of hers and she still has two of mine....I had wondered had she not sent them back as she was hoping to keep lines open)..... (We don't know exactly why she has not sent them to you). I now have hit the brutal truth that I wont hear from her again. I know deep down it probably wasn't right....but at the moment I feel so alone, I miss having her to talk to... (I know it feels awful and you miss her a lot, but in time you will feel better)

Thanks freshnight

Breaking down like that has really helped. I think you have perfectly explained alot what was going on.

I'm going to see about meeting a professional counsellor in the next week or so. I do feel a lot better today, I've let go of a lot of the hate....which wasn't helping me at all.

Thank you again! It's really helped!