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adavi106
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PathStep 2 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceApril 29, 2015
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Feeling alone
Eating Disorder Support / by adavi106
Last post
 May 25th, 2015
...See more I've had binge eating disorder for a little over a year. I've gained 20 pounds in a year from it. My boyfriend of three years dumped me Freshman year of college and it felt like my world collapsed. On top of that I was really stressed from school. I'm obsessed with weight and body image, so it seems like the more I eat and the more I gain, I look in the mirror and I get more depressed and anxious and I binge even more. It's a vicious, never ending cycle. I desperately want to be thin and feel comfortable in my skin but it seems like the more I obsess about it the more I binge. I do this thing where I swear I'm going to go on a 500 cal a day diet & exercise starting tomorrow, and so I'll eat everything in sight the night before, and then I don't stick to my plan and get really upset over it and redo the process over and over again telling myself this time I'm actually going to diet and lose the weight, but I just binge again, over and over. I'm stuck in this cycle and I'm scared for my physical and psychological health. This summer my friends want to hangout and drink around bonfires and go to the beach and I don't want to do any of these things because not only do i want to hide my fat body under a rock, I just want to focus on getting my health back, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on being young. Every time I drink I eat greasy hangover food the next day and cheat on my diet which makes me feel bad about cheating on my diet. Not to mention the extra calories from the alcohol. And then I binge again from feeling upset. I feel like when I'm drunk with my friends is the only time I can forget how fat I've gotten and how much I hate my body and myself for what I've done/ am doing to it. I wish I could just pause life and get my shit together and recover and get my weight back to a healthy one. But life stops for no one. It makes it even harder when you don't have a ton of support. I moved in with my 2 best friends this year at school. I won't binge in front of them. I mean I'll watch movies and eat junk food and icecream with them but they've never actually seen me binge or have seen me at my lowest. When I try to come out to them about having a disorder they literally laugh at me and think I'm just over reacting and that I'm a hypochondriac. My mom is supportive to an extent. I don't think she really knows how serious this is for me, but that's partly my fault because I hide it from her for the most part. She told me I should go to a therapist at school and that she'd get me whatever help I need, but I'm afraid to go to a therapist. Mostly because I'm afraid they'll tell me I can't diet, which is the only thing that's going to help me lose weight, and I desperately want to lose weight before I turn 21. But at the same time how can I lose weight when I can't stick to a diet anyways because of this disorder? I'm lost. And alone. And sick of being unhappy and obsessed with my weight. Sick of being fat and depressed.
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