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adventurousZebra8285
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceMarch 23, 2024
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Tumultuous past. Since have gotten better. Do I disclose?
Relationship Stress / by adventurousZebra8285
Last post
 March 26th, 2024
...See more So here's my story (and none of this has ever been disclosed to my partner): Growing up, I was abused, molested, raped, and groomed by an older male relative from the ages of 10-16. Once in my early 20's, I needed to normalize my sexual experiences more, so I went to street workers, in order to have normal sex with a woman. I didn't go to therapy. I didn't tell anyone about it. I then meet my partner. The first year into our relationship, I don't really feel a deep sense of love (probably a jaded worldview from my childhood), and I go to a couple escorts, and go to a strip club one night in vegas with a few coworkers and get dances, etc. (Note, every one of my friends and male famil members live this type of way too). Then, I fall in love with my partner, and I feel no longer wanting to do this stuff. I don''t judge anyone who does it and I keep my friends' secrets and will continue to do so, but it just didn't seem like my type of thing anymore. Anyways, after I fell in love, there was a bachelor party in Amsterdam. One of the guys brought a few girls home. They were escorts, and each of us had one. I didn’t want to take them to the hotel, but peer pressure was severe. I didn't get hard, I wasn't mentally in it, but I did feel guilty for the first time the next day. I then went to a few red light district nights (no sex, just hj's) to try and assauge the guilt but it didn't work. Anyways, after that, I never did it again. I went to therapy, and I'm devoted to my partner for sure. But sometimes the guilt comes up still, even after 4 years of marriage. It's definitely less though, but my question is, most communtieies have ZERO sympathy for me. Therapists have been sympathetic however, and I guess I just wanted someone else to talk to about it, like this site.  Should I tell her? I feel I'd be ruining my life, hers, and vicimizing myself twice (therapist said I viewed cheating as fair game as a coping mechanism; I emulated my abuser, who was also in a relationship, in order to feel less shame about what happened to me). I'm proud of getting this far, but at the same time, it bothers me that I know she just wouldnt understand if I told her. Sigh. Hopefully with self compassion, I get less guilty episodes...The world is just so damn judgemental without ever walking in your shoes....I feel like a bad person, and I may be, but just need some outside advice here. I’ve done everything to get better but I’m still haunted by my ghosts. Should I tell her? I just can’t bring myself to traumatize her. She’s so sweet and sensitive. I’ve been through trauma. I don’t want her to go through it too :( I know I’ll feel terrible. And so will she. And I don’t know… I don’t think I could ever recover fTom disclosing  
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