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affableCucumber9695
45 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceJune 9, 2015
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scared
Depression Support / by affableCucumber9695
Last post
 June 18th, 2015
...See more I never have actually said that I'm depressed, i know i am but i never admitted it to myself because then it becomes real. My family or anyone  has no idea how i feel. To my parents I'm their normal kid, I have 2 sister one is 12 and the other is 17, I'm the oldest, my 17 year old sister was depressed so i would see her cry almost everyday, now its rare to see her upset or cry and were only a year apart so were really close, but she felt like she was just the only one depressed, my parents think that too, but little do they know that every night when they all go to sleep i stay up crying for no reason. So needless to say my parents don't want to go through another depressed kid situation. But I go through an everyday struggle to look alive, to not show them that i feel like I'm drowning, No i could never tell them that i feel like I'm already dead, that i see no future for myself because I cant see myself living this life. Theres been so many times I've wanted to tell my sister or my mom about how i feel but every time i have tried to no words come out of my mouth. I'm new at expressing these feelings, because I've never actually said them out loud, so this is a huge step because im writing it on this where other people can see although it anonymous it still feels like this big secret is out. Even writing this and thinking about when i press that post button and people seeing it makes me scared and gives me anxiety. I dont want to offend anyone but sometimes i feel like depression is not real  like maybe im just exagerating but then i have all these crazy thoughts of suicide and stuff, and i think A normal person couldnt possibly think about these things? Right? Im still even debating to post this, but if i do post and you happen to read this please dont judge, its hard enough with how i judge myself.
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