scared
I never have actually said that I'm depressed, i know i am but i never admitted it to myself because then it becomes real. My family or anyonehas no ideahow i feel. To my parentsI'm their normal kid,I have 2 sister one is 12and the other is 17, I'm the oldest,my 17 year old sister was depressed so i would see her cry almost everyday, now its rare to see her upset or cry and were only a year apartso were really close, but she felt like she was just the only one depressed, my parents think that too, but little do they know that every night when they all go to sleep i stay up crying for no reason. So needless to say my parents don't want to go through another depressed kid situation. But Igo through an everyday struggle to look alive, to not show them that i feel like I'm drowning,No i could never tell them that i feel like I'm already dead, thati see no future for myself because I cant see myselfliving this life. Theres been so many times I've wanted to tell my sister or my mom about how i feel but every time i have tried to no words come out of my mouth. I'm new at expressing these feelings, because I've never actually said themout loud, so this is a huge stepbecause im writing it on this where other people can see although it anonymousit still feels like this bigsecret is out. Even writing this and thinking about when i press that postbutton and people seeing it makes me scared and gives me anxiety. I dont want to offend anyone but sometimes i feel likedepression is not reallike maybe im just exagerating but then i have all these crazy thoughts of suicide and stuff, and i think A normal personcouldnt possibly think about these things?Right? Im still even debating topost this, but if i do post andyou happen toread this please dont judge, its hard enough with how i judge myself.
I think I feel very similar to you in that I always think that I can't be depressed because im just not that sort of person or that just doesn't happen to me and now I am in this weird limbo where I can't figuire out whether i am sad because of my past or whether i am actually depressed? I see this as a bit of a dead end because i wouldn't want to take anti depressants anyway...Have you thought about getting free counselling on the sly from your parents? this is what I am trying to do at the moment. I am crying almost every other day now where all I do is sit and over analyse about my life and how i feel like it will never go anywhere because i am not good enough and i am too fucked up to get better. Is this how you feel?
Hello sweetheart @affableCucumber9695
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I have experienced depression for quite a long time, so I totally understand how bad it can all feel.
Being on here and reaching out is so brave of you. I too fear being judged, but here everyone understands and knows that you are not to blame. We also know how truly painful this experience is, how real it is, and how challenging it is to deal with. Big hugs and I hope you can find some peace or relief soon.
Reaching out and talking about it, like you are doing here, is HUGE. It is a testament to how STRONG you are that you are still fighting, still seeking ways to overcome this, in the face of everything that depression makes us feel, both physically and emotionally.
I am still struggling with this, the HOW, even after facing this so many times. I have made many life changes, which made a difference, and this past episode caused me to start to doubt myself, and my ability to live with this. BUT so many posters on this site reminded me of the need to just keep going, that it CAN and WILL get better, and the many things that we all can do to move through this difficult experience.
Maybe right now, instead of thinking about stopping it, take this opportunity to examine what things seem to help distract, lessen, or lighten the load. A few things I noticed when I did this, which I then started to incorporate daily:
Create a playlist of music that you love and listen to it daily
Doing something, anything. If I am overwhelmed with dishes, I just put away one cup. then I celebrate that victory. If I can't feel like I can go outside for a walk, I just walk down the hall of my apartment and back. Getting out of bed is an accomplishment, don't forget to celebrate it.
Your list may be different, and I have read a few that others have posted that have inspired me greatly. There are of course many big things you can do, therapy, medication, exercise, nutritional support, and alternative medicine practices, and if you are not already pursuing these, of course they are an important part of recovery. But above all, be KIND and GENTLE with yourself, you deserve so much love right now for what you are going through.
I just want you to know; You're a child of this universe, as much as everyone else. You're a unique and amazing individual with an amazing future full of the hope you may feel lacking of now.
I really do hope things improve for you & that you're able to over come this! If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me! <3
I'm really sorry to hear that.
I know that life might be hard and pointless for you right now. I have been there too, trust me. I know the feelings when you want to drown yourself in your own sadness.
But you have to get up. You have to be strong. It may heard impossible but you can do this. I have my faith on you.
You're so great that you can pass all of these events until now. That was a huge thing, and I am SO proud of you for that.You can hold on a little bit longer.
Things get better. Maybe it is not now. Maybe 3 years later. Or 10. Or 20. But it wll get better and I promise. You're amazing. If you disappear, nothing will ever be the same again.
I know the feelings when parents are being ignorant to you. They just don't see the fact that you're depressed. Forgive them, it's alright. They don't understand.
Life gets better. You will get through this.
I hope you a good life. God bless :)
