affectionateLunch2285 Member Profile

...See more Sorry I don't know where else I can get help. I've been having therapy from 2 different thepaists, but doesn't work. I don't know what else I can do to reduce the pain. Please help me. I was attached to an online friend deeply. But he left. He was a listener on 7cups. I knew him several months ago due to I had a problem to fix. When we talked on 7cups for the 1st time, he told me the only friend who understood him was dead by suici*d. I comforted him a little bit. At the end of the talk, he asked if we could communicate via e mail. I thought it was not a big deal, so I told him my mail address, then we communicated via mail from time to time. One day when we were talking on 7cups, he asked if we could talk on whatsapp. I didnt think it was necessary, as we already had 7cups and mail, but again I didnt think it was a big deal and I was happy to have someone to chat with me, so I added him. We talked on it happily like good friends for a couple of days, about life and other things. Until one day, I talked too much, for 3 hours. He told me subtly that he didnt want to talk with me on whatsapp any more, as he was not a phone person and was not used to stay on the phone too much, and that he didnt want intimacy, all he wanted was to help me. I still felt hurt, but I could not force him, so I deleted my whatsapp account and continue to communicate with him on 7cups and mail. I began to depend on him and get attached to him during communication. He said he was an introvert and had no friends for deep communication before. One day, I asked what did he think of the meaning of life, which was a question that he asked me before. He e mailed me, replied with a dark and depressed answer and told me he felt down and suic*dal. I panicked, so I called him ( as I knew his phnoe number) asking him not to do it. He didn't, and said he would be ok and he promised me to stay as long as possible. Also, he was grateful to my caring for him, because no body called him for a long time and I called from a different country. From that day on, somehow I felt anxious and worried about his intention and always worried that he would do it. He would lost his internet for 2-3 days from time to time, due to he would go to a house in the mountains to avoid summer heat. When that happened, I felt anxious. I sent sms to to him twice, during he was away from internet. He was thankful when I sent it for the 1st time, but the 2nd time, he told me not to worry and he would be ok. One day, a big misunderstanding happened. He told me he would lost internet for 3 days and asked me not to worry. I said ok and told him that I would not sms him this time, since I knew he would go to the house. But on the next day, when I logged in, his listener account disappeared. I panicked and thought he deleted account and would do it, so called him for about 10 times. But he didn't pick up the phone, and turned it off finally. Then I sent so many sms to him, telling him I could not live without him and if he would do it, I would too. A few hours later, I received his reply via sms. He seemed annoyed and not know about his account was deleted. He asked me why worryied about him, and told me I should not depend on him so much. And that how things was going was making him uncomfortable and it would hurt me. When he got his internet back, he mailed me, telling me that his listener account was banned and he understood why I was so worried. I replied that I was still very worried and had gone anxious about it, and asked him to promise me to stay safe. He seemed upset in the mail. He asked me not to worry about him and that he didn't need me or my help, if he needed help, he would call someone local instead of me who was in a different country. Also, he asked me not to call him or sms him ever, because my calls and sms were so disturbing to him. Several days later, he got his account back, but he never logged in since then. I asked the reason, he told me he decided not to use it when he felt like using it. I doubted if he stopped using 7cups due to he didnt want to talk with me lively on it, but he denied. He told me he would go to university in Oct. Itll be the most important phase in his life, because he would need to focus on study in the first year, to pass a big exam, so that he could pick his dream major, so we would have to communicate way less than before. We used to communicate via mail everyday. He also told me that he deleted his whatsapp account and said goodbye to everyone there, because there was basically no one to talk to him on there, he could not endure the failure on expectation of receiving msg from others, so he deleted his account. He even didnt tell me when he entered uni. Just one day in a mail, he told me he was already in uni and was overwhelmed by studying. Since Sep, I proposed to mail each other once a week, so that . He replied very briefly, unless I had problems to solve. So in order not to lose his caring, I almost vented in every mail, which seem to have made him tired and overwhelmed. On Oct 21, I needed to add somebody on whatsapp, so I got my account back. When I added, I found his account was in the whatsapp list. I clicked his name, finding him last active time was on Oct 20. I didnt know when he got his account back and began to use it. I felt upset and betrayed, as I felt he prefer to chat lively with someone there, but he avoided to chat with me lively on even 7cups. I was so angry and sent a farewell msg to him on whatspp, told him not to mail me any more and that I would go to his country after his exam in a year, to punch him as a farewell, which is a promise that I made to him: He didnt like to be ghosted, so I promised him that if I ever decided to leave, I would let him know specificlly and I would go to his country to punch him in the face as a farewell. After an hour, I felt so regret to send that msg, but I cant take it back. So I sent a mail to him, telling him I felt regret about sending the msg. But also, I wrote every previous doubts and even questioned his motivation of adding me on whatsapp. The mail was super long, full of accuses and doubts. When we talked on whatsapp or 7cups, or via e mail, he talked about his life, his thoughts, his worries about how he chased a girl and etc. But after that misunderstanding he didn't talk about anything about him any more. I asked him if he was distancing from me, but he denied and said he was just not a person who liked to open up much or to talk about his daily life. I asked him why he talked about himself before, but suddenly became someone who didn't talk anything, either small talks or deep talks. I even asked him if he added me on whatsapp just to pass his boring summer holiday. After sending that mail, I regret again. Feel I should not question his motivation, it will hurt him and chase him away, so I send the 2nd mail. I told him I was so sorry for questioning his motivation. I said I realized I was still attached to him and I was hurting us and our friendship, so I decided to reduce the contact to once or twice a month, if he still would like to forgive my hurtful words. But he replied with farewell. My brain frozed. He explained my doubts, and seemed my doubts were just overthinking. But he said he wouldn't contact me anymore and asked me to delete him. He said I must detach in this hard way, and we better end it our friendship as adults, in a friendly and understanding way. I msg him on WhatsApp and sent him mails, asking him not to do this but to give me a little time to detach from him, but he refused. I felt so painful. I thought about it and cried for the whole day. At the end of the day, I realized it was pointless to ask him to stay and wait for my detachment. I sent a farewell mail in a friendly way to him too. I expressed my apology and gratitude. Our friendship is over. I lost him forever. Though I accepted the truth, I still feel like killed. I feel like falling in hell. I don't know what I can do to get over the pain. I won't receive his weekly mail now. Feel so hard. I tried to do things to distract myself. But still can't hold back my tears. And the pain relapsed once I am back alone and quiet. I still miss him. Still think of him. It's too painful. It hurts so much. What I do to get over it.

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