Friend left me. Feel killed.

@affectionateLunch2285 I read through the entire thing, Lunch. I feel your pain. When one gets attached with someone, then the meaning of their days, to some good extent, come to be associated with that someone. The same happened with you I suppose. The meaning of your days got attached with him.

But maybe a good news is attachment is never permanent, it can tighten its grasp over one's mind, to leave the person with a void, not knowing where to be and how to be without hearing from that person, but it still is not a forever grasp. I guess the need is of slowly filling the void in you after his leaving. It will not be easy, and can take time, but maybe that is the only way to detach and find better meaning.

For the future though, there maybe lessons to learn from this. One is, is it worth it to get attached with someone virtually? Words and voice-chats cannot replace the face to face relations, and one is left wondering in vacuum as the network connectivity goes. So while it is good to have positive relations over the Internet, it perhaps is not suggested to go too far. Also, virtual or real, it is perhaps never suggested to get too far attached as to depend as much on anyone. It comes to be like a drug then, and this mental addictivity hurts.

Just shared the thoughts with you, hope it helped any little. :)

@affectionateLunch2285 . i am sorry that this happened thats why i don't really make friends on seven cups because eventually everyone leaves so to me its pointless just be more careful and try to not get attached to people on here if you can best wishes

I agree with what others have said, but I would like to suggest you practice a few tihngs. I know it is hard because I have gone through something similar. I honestly think that it isn't your fault, not entirely. You did push him away farther by the constant messaging and contact, but he also did seem to distance himself from you. I think that you can learn from this and try to practice not letting your emotions drive your messages and actions. It is really hard and it took me about nine months (since it was on and off I am sure it was less). It depends on the person, but I am sure you will be able to get through all of this. We overthink and doubt everything because we are scared and worried, but then it affects so much more than just ourselves. It is hard, but we have to do our best to try to remember that sometimes there is a simple answer. I wish you luck and maybe we can talk more on this in the future if you would like. I pushed a friend away due to the constant harassment, but I still struggle to not be so dependent on another person. She has become dependent on me, as well. I think little by little, I am getting used to not needing her, and just being happy that I have a great friend like her. Although, I am worried I am making her dependent on me. I guess my point is that you are not alone and that you can find ways to learn and practice things that would help you overtime. I also suggest that if you can't go to someone, then try to go to a hobby of yours. Or find some music to help you... If you don't already do all of that.

@affectionateLunch2285

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Sorry I don't know where else I can get help. I've been having therapy from 2 different thepaists, but doesn't work. I don't know what else I can do to reduce the pain. Please help me. (I can tell you are going through a lot of emotional/physical pain to the point its becoming overwhelming for you. Thats the alarm thats built inside of us, if your parents didn't soothe your feelings growing up then it becomes hard to shut it down.)

I was attached to an online friend deeply. (I can see you have been looking to feel loved, understood, accepted and cared all this time, it was the main reason the attachment was formed too quickly) But he left. (This is definetly will cause you to feel this overwhelming pain, and then you will feel tons of emotions combined at once. This will also trigger your past hurt, and then you will be probably be dealing with more than him leaving) He was a listener on 7cups. I knew him several months ago due to I had a problem to fix.

When we talked on 7cups for the 1st time, he told me the only friend who understood him was dead by suici*d. (It must had been really hurtful for him to go through this, i believe this will make him feel abandoned and alone) I comforted him a little bit. At the end of the talk, he asked if we could communicate via e mail. I thought it was not a big deal, so I told him my mail address, then we communicated via mail from time to time.

One day when we were talking on 7cups, he asked if we could talk on whatsapp. I didnt think it was necessary, as we already had 7cups and mail, but again I didnt think it was a big deal and I was happy to have someone to chat with me, so I added him. We talked on it happily like good friends for a couple of days, about life and other things. Until one day, I talked too much, for 3 hours. (I don't think you talked too much, i think there was a lot of things you kept inside for years and it came out) He told me subtly that he didnt want to talk with me on whatsapp any more, as he was not a phone person and was not used to stay on the phone too much, and that he didnt want intimacy, (He felt uncomfortable with emotions and with closeness, so he started to withdraw from you. People like him can only handle a certain amount of closeness, if they get uncomfortable then they start backing away) all he wanted was to help me. I still felt hurt, but I could not force him, so I deleted my whatsapp account and continue to communicate with him on 7cups and mail. I began to depend on him and get attached to him during communication. (I could see why this would happen, he had certain qualities that made you feel comfortable and safe to express yourself. I do believe you projected unmet needs on him, just like he did the same with you)

He said he was an introvert and had no friends for deep communication before. (This kind of tells me he has certain unresolved issues going on here) One day, I asked what did he think of the meaning of life, which was a question that he asked me before. He e mailed me, replied with a dark and depressed answer and told me he felt down and suic*dal. (This is a very serious issues, it does indicate he felt powerless and helpless about his situation, so he started to feel suicidal and down. It's so important he seeks help when he has those thoughts) I panicked, so I called him ( as I knew his phnoe number) asking him not to do it. He didn't, and said he would be ok and he promised me to stay as long as possible. Also, he was grateful to my caring for him, because no body called him for a long time and I called from a different country.

From that day on, somehow I felt anxious and worried about his intention and always worried that he would do it. (This is completly normal, its quite scary knowing a person you care has suicidal thoughts) He would lost his internet for 2-3 days from time to time, due to he would go to a house in the mountains to avoid summer heat. When that happened, I felt anxious. I sent sms to to him twice, during he was away from internet. (I understand why you would do this, you felt concerned and worried, but you have to be careful when you send messages without waiting for a response) He was thankful when I sent it for the 1st time, but the 2nd time, he told me not to worry and he would be ok. (This was his way to push things under the rug and minimize how he felt)

One day, a big misunderstanding happened. He told me he would lost internet for 3 days and asked me not to worry. I said ok and told him that I would not sms him this time, since I knew he would go to the house. But on the next day, when I logged in, his listener account disappeared. I panicked and thought he deleted account and would do it, so called him for about 10 times. (I see you felt anxious, scared and worried of losing him, but your anxiety made you lose emotional self control. It's so important to only call once, if not the oher person will feel smothered. You tried to soothe your anxiety by attempting to gain certainty) But he didn't pick up the phone, and turned it off finally. Then I sent so many sms to him, telling him I could not live without him and if he would do it, I would too. (At this point I could see you felt very scared and worried about this person because you care deeply, but you said and did all of this to feel close to him)

A few hours later, I received his reply via sms. He seemed annoyed and not know about his account was deleted. (He either deleted it or they gave him a lot of warnings) He asked me why worryied about him, (I could see in the past people didn't really worry about his needs or what he wanted, so it confuses him when someone is worried about him) and told me I should not depend on him so much. (People like him tend to be way too self-sufficient and often would push away others if they see another person depends on them. Us human can't do everything alone, at times we need to depends on others, however in your case you did relied heavily on him) And that how things was going was making him uncomfortable and it would hurt me. (He was feeling smothered with calling him 10 times and sending him tons of messages, and he tried to let you down by saying "it would hurt me")

When he got his internet back, he mailed me, telling me that his listener account was banned and he understood why I was so worried. I replied that I was still very worried and had gone anxious about it, (You did great expressing how you really felt) and asked him to promise me to stay safe. He seemed upset in the mail. He asked me not to worry about him and that he didn't need me or my help, (Ouch...honestly i would have felt so hurt if someone would have tell me this. I could only imagine how you must had felt when you read those words. I honestly believe it was his way to sabotage the friendship because he felt the closeness, people like him will say hurtful things like this knowing it will push you away) if he needed help, he would call someone local instead of me who was in a different country. (Thats pretty rude of him to say) Also, he asked me not to call him or sms him ever, because my calls and sms were so disturbing to him.

Several days later, he got his account back, but he never logged in since then. I asked the reason, he told me he decided not to use it when he felt like using it. (He is being cold, rude and incosiderate of you. It's very important to not continue to chase this person) I doubted if he stopped using 7cups due to he didnt want to talk with me lively on it, but he denied.

He told me he would go to university in Oct. Itll be the most important phase in his life, because he would need to focus on study in the first year, to pass a big exam, so that he could pick his dream major, so we would have to communicate way less than before. (I feel from the outside it would be easier to say "it sounds normal, he will be busy with university", but in reality he is saying all of this to create distance between the two of you) We used to communicate via mail everyday. He also told me that he deleted his whatsapp account and said goodbye to everyone there, because there was basically no one to talk to him on there, he could not endure the failure on expectation of receiving msg from others, so he deleted his account.

He even didnt tell me when he entered uni. Just one day in a mail, he told me he was already in uni and was overwhelmed by studying. Since Sep, I proposed to mail each other once a week, so that . (I believe you shouldn't be proposing him these kind of things after the hurtful things he has to say to you, he needs to value and respect you. I would have waited for him to reach out first because of his behavior) He replied very briefly, unless I had problems to solve. (He is being cold in order to push you away) So in order not to lose his caring, (You felt anxiety and overwhelmed with thoughts of losing him) I almost vented in every mail, (This was your way to pull him closer and force him into being connected with you. In these moment you will mostly become focus on soothe the anxiety without observing his behavior) which seem to have made him tired and overwhelmed. (Sorry to say this, but it made him feel smothered)

On Oct 21, I needed to add somebody on whatsapp, so I got my account back. When I added, I found his account was in the whatsapp list. I clicked his name, finding him last active time was on Oct 20. (I had feeling what he said about Whatsapp sounded like him being dramatic and lying) I didnt know when he got his account back and began to use it. I felt upset and betrayed, (It's normal you feel this way after he said "I said goodbye to everyone on whatsapp etc")as I felt he prefer to chat lively with someone there, but he avoided to chat with me lively on even 7cups. (I could see why you would feel this way after all of the things he said) I was so angry and sent a farewell msg to him on whatspp, told him not to mail me any more and that I would go to his country after his exam in a year, to punch him as a farewell, which is a promise that I made to him: (I see you felt immense anxiety and hurt, but you tried to force a reaction out of him and hoping it would make him closer to you. These kind of things never work, it will always have the opposite effects of what you expect) He didnt like to be ghosted, so I promised him that if I ever decided to leave, I would let him know specificlly and I would go to his country to punch him in the face as a farewell.

After an hour, I felt so regret to send that msg, but I cant take it back. So I sent a mail to him, telling him I felt regret about sending the msg. But also, I wrote every previous doubts and even questioned his motivation of adding me on whatsapp. (I would have definetly feel doubts and wondering why he said all of those reasons and then comes back to whatsapp as if nothing happened, but its so important to read cues when it comes to this) The mail was super long, full of accuses and doubts.(You felt disconnected, and this was a way to pull him closer to you) When we talked on whatsapp or 7cups, or via e mail, he talked about his life, his thoughts, his worries about how he chased a girl and etc. But after that misunderstanding he didn't talk about anything about him any more. I asked him if he was distancing from me, but he denied and said he was just not a person who liked to open up much or to talk about his daily life. (Those are excuses he is saying) I asked him why he talked about himself before, but suddenly became someone who didn't talk anything, either small talks or deep talks. I even asked him if he added me on whatsapp just to pass his boring summer holiday. (Be careful here, you let your anxiety and insecurities get the better of you here)

After sending that mail, I regret again. Feel I should not question his motivation, it will hurt him and chase him away, so I send the 2nd mail. I told him I was so sorry for questioning his motivation. I said I realized I was still attached to him and I was hurting us and our friendship, so I decided to reduce the contact to once or twice a month, if he still would like to forgive my hurtful words. (I wouldn't have offer the reduce the contact, I would have back away completly until he does all of the reaching out first after the hurtful things he said and how he backed away. The problem here is that you are willing to settle for less than what you want, and would do anything to keep him in your life while he is not doing the same)

But he replied with farewell. My brain frozed. He explained my doubts, and seemed my doubts were just overthinking. But he said he wouldn't contact me anymore and asked me to delete him. (He is being dramaitic with the whole "delete me") He said I must detach in this hard way, and we better end it our friendship as adults, in a friendly and understanding way. I msg him on WhatsApp and sent him mails, asking him not to do this but to give me a little time to detach from him, but he refused. (I could see you felt so much anxiety and hurt) I felt so painful. I thought about it and cried for the whole day. (It's important to let the tears fall because it was hurtful what happened, and it helps you let it all out) At the end of the day, I realized it was pointless to ask him to stay and wait for my detachment. (One of the hardest things is walking away from another person when you care and love them, it brings so many emotions and feelings, but at the end of the day your self-respect is first) I sent a farewell mail in a friendly way to him too. I expressed my apology and gratitude.

Our friendship is over. I lost him forever. (The thought of this probably brings you a lot of sadness, hurt and regret, but at some point you will be okay.)

Though I accepted the truth, I still feel like killed. I feel like falling in hell. (it's completly normal how you feel, its like this gap or hole in your chest that makes you feel so overwhelmed and down. You formed a connection and bond with him, so its normal you are grieving regarding the friendship with him) I don't know what I can do to get over the pain. (The number one thing is to accept and acknowledge how you feel without postponing it, put words in those feelings. Sit down and feel all of those feelings without avoiding them, and after a certain time it will feel less. The pain you feel has to do more with the abandonment you went through in the past than him) I won't receive his weekly mail now, it feel so hard. (It's understandable how you feel, you became used to his emails and calls, and now not having that comfort makes you feel hurt and sad) I tried to do things to distract myself. (I wouldn't do these kind of things unless you are acknowledging how you feel and feeling those feelings) But still can't hold back my tears. (You shouldn't because its normal to cry after what happened, if you hold them back then it will make you feel suffocated and as if you are falling into sea endlessly) And the pain relapsed once I am back alone and quiet. (Unfortunetly...you will have ups and down regarding this) I still miss him. Still think of him. It's too painful. It hurts so much. What I do to get over it. (I wish I had the answer, but I don't. It's so important to acknowledge and feel all of those emotions over and over again on order heal. Deattachment is not something that happens right away, it takes a long time on order for this to happen. Time and becoming aware of what goes inside of you are key to overcoming this)

@affectionateLunch2285

Yeah i can feel it bro, close friend became stranger :'( we have some problem, just difference case where u cannot contact him anymore and 1 working in one roof with her but we dont close or talking like before

I am new in here so i dont have suggestion for ur but i thought better with try to find something do that we can try to forget them :'( i know its hard n stupid suggestion but we just hope them happy

Im reading through this thread and wondering if that listener friend was unsure of what he was looking for? I certainly hope he wasnt taking advantage of those coming to him and confiding in him about their problems ... that would make such problems worse, not better.

Maybe that Listener hasnt had many true friends that he feels he can truly care about?