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i dont know where to turn with this, if anyone could offer some advice i would feel so much better.
i just want to disclose i suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and was diagnosed at the age of 21, things have been extremely tough and before i met my ex (lets call him paul) i was coping very well with life. going the gym, had a stable job, good money, friends, i looked after myself and never smoked. i would also like to point out i had a traumatic childhood and now im 23 it still effects me to a certain extent.
so me and my paul met through instagram, which is a normal thing these days and he was ever so nice, we spoke for about a week, i wasnt over the last man i dated. it was 3 months before me and paul spoke (he was a nice guy just didnt want commitment)
so me and paul agreed to a date. was very nervous and wasnt 100% sure on moving on too quickly. on new years even he picked me up from my house and i took a liking to him straight away. he was fun but he had no fliter, on the first date he was telling me his dad is a crackhead. he gave off a few red flags but i had such a good time with him.
we went on a further 4 dates and i could feel myself getting feelings, went and played golf, had a meal and we both decided to go out drinking. paul hadnt made a move on me yet so i did instead. was so drunk could not remember most of he night other than waking up in his bed in the morning and we continued to have sex throughout the day.
this is where the problems started. i felt as if his attitude changed after that, he didnt really care what he said. he asked me how many men ive been with (2) and he bragged on about himself sleeping with 75 women for money, 4,000 he was paid.
so we are in bed togetehr and he tells me all his exs are crazy, one of them lied about a brain tumour (i think he lied because his story changed to cheating) and another left him for another man in germany (which turned out to absolute rubbish) i never seen his point behind the lies, im not gonna judge him for being honest. he goes on to tell me about a one night stand and he could be a dad.
for somone who has many issues, i felt this was all a bit too much for me to deal with. i continued to sleep with him for a while and all he went on about was his sexual conquests, banging sex line girls from tinder etc. i dont know why he made me feel so insigificant and disrespected? i went out shopping with one of my friends and brought some underwear. she was unaware i was dating someone and when i told her what hes like (good and bad) she said he sounds like bad news. be careful, we were having casual sex for about a month before he asked me to be his gf. during this time he was speaking to loads of other girls, it made me feel not enough and awful.
he asked me to be his girlfriend before i called things off, there was a horrific gut feeling i got whenever i was with him it was butterflies and doubt
he took me away to london, we headed out to his base and stayed the night. the whole trip he never held my hand, kissed me or even touched me in public but would pass comment on every girl he seen. he said some woman tried to touch him in the shop when she never. on the journey home, his ex (the girl who left him for another man) messaged him and said i miss you. i felt a bit uneasy but he reassured me it was nothing. i later learnt the truth about her. she didnt leave him for another man at all, he led her on for two years by continueing to have sex wuth her after she told him she loved him. i suppose the girl put up with anything just to keep him in her life. he didnt have very much nice things to say about her either,felt some smypathy for her. she still loves him even after a year.
paul was in a relationship with me but still gave her hope in a way. i cried majority of the car journey home because i had spent over 500 in london and he ruined every moment of it.
paul brought more of his sexual conquests up, he must have thought i was ok with hearing it, i never said a word although i was very upset . paul had a girl best friend and i was looking forward to meeting her, however he told me they had dated before him and i met.
paul was inside me once and started going on about cumming in another girl before me, i lost my mood very quickly. he paid me a backhanded complimet by squeezing my boobs together and went well.... they are big enough to feed kids at least. i began wearing a bra during sex after that or lingerie. he rarely paid me compliments his words were "it creates a spoit brat complex" much to his awareness i suffer with bdd also and comoliemnts really help me from my partner. anyone else it makes me feel strange.
felt like i was begging for affection or attentiom from him. it was always me spending money on paul his excuse was he drives home every week to see me but he came home to see his family too.honestly felt like i was being taken for a mug all the time,
the only time i felt as if i had his attention was during sex. one night i got ready to go out with my friends and he was very angry. he told me my clothing is too revealing and men are gonna look at me. (a pair of skorts and a tshirt) nothing too wild. i didnt end up going out after that. infact i sulked because his entire friends list was either girls hes fucked or random girls (some people he knew) and he wouldnt even allow me to wear a pretty outfit on a night out.
i couldnt take his double standads anymore and problems started occuring.
i worked in the healthcare indutry and my shifts were 24 hours long at time (wth breaks and sleep) i sat down after seeing the patients put to bed and he rang me asking about the gym, asking how much i could lift. i always thought the bar weighed 30 and i assumed i could lift 50 (i was a newbie to the weightlifting world) he sent me pictures of half naked instagram models which set off my bdd and he almost tried to pursuede me into getting a bigger ass. i showed him a physique i wanted to look like. he said shes too skinny and has no ass. that is all he was interested in. i felt instantly not good enough for him as if i didnt already. paul reffered to girls on his instagram as the one with the big tits or said things like im convinced every girl on my friends list has had a boob job. he told me im too sensitive for being upset.
he rang me another night whilst on shift and started talking about this girl who had followed him and he said shes easy all his mates have had a go. he sent me a picture of hi genitals on snapchat and i couldnt sext him back due to being in work. during this time his snapchat score went up (i was suspicious of this girl and lets face it hes acted disrepectful to me before) it increased rapudly. next day i went to his and had a good day. woke up in the morning and needed to do my makeup
he was in the bathroom and my phone was dead so i trawled his room for a mirror, i didnt root through anything but i found a pair of girls underwear under his bed that wasnt mine (i dont see how he could have cheated though because he was always at work and came home on the weekends) still couldnt find a mirror. so i used his snapchat camera instead (he wasnt bothered about me using it for maps, music etc) dropped the blusher and the phone at the same ime. it went sideways onto his chats and this girls name was at the very top. recieved 2 days ago and this was the time he was sending me pictures of his junk. it was obvious they had been snapchatting quite a fair bit because of the emojis. i messaged the girl before him and blunt but nice. she said shes a lesbian but she had an on?off bf so it didnt make any sense to me whatsoever,
i accused him of cheating and he went mad, took it all out on me instead of calmly reassuring me.
later that night he had gone though my phone snooping at my messages to my friends and he stormed out in a huff (i had told my friends he doesnt treat me very nice and they said you need to leave him) had been very angry at the time and said hes a waste of my time etc
i opened up to him for the first time and he completely diregared my feelings again and said im too sensitive. he had asked me to get a flat with him within two month of dating and i was bit shocked! so i went with his wishes and got one set up for us, he changed his mind soon after because we argued again over him slagging me off to his friend about my clothing and she said i dress like a slut (my family would be the first to tell me if i did) he had said to this girl mate of his that im trying to trap him with a flat (it was his idea and the council said he would need to put his name down if he wants the get me home fund) that hes only staying with me to get his birthday money
i was heartbroken over all this, i couldnt believe he was twisting things and leading me on for money.
a girl had messaged him about his past cheating and said she seen him bringing girls into his room when he had a gf (His ex beofre me) and that hes a horror, also trued to rape a girl.
for my birthday he did me a half assed card, no meaning to it and he brought me a neckalce (i was over the moon with it, didnt cost much but it was from him and i loved it) we went fishing for my birthday not really what i wanted to do and i paid. he promised me he would take me out the next day for drinks but he forgot his jeans so we couldnt go.
after all this this girl suddenly came back into it, she was tagging him in things three years ago when they were a "couple" but he said that she was just some girl his mates had been with. i knew he was lying to me about her it was pathetic he made it into such a big deal over nothing.. i followed my instincts and messaged her again. i was convinced he was lusting after her and she agreed to message him to put my mind at ease. this account sent me screenshots and on this screenshot it said he wants to fuck her
i blew my lid and cofronted him yet again and he said he knew its a fake account and accused me of making it. called me some horrible stuff like slut and a psycho. i poved to him it wasnt me but he made my life hell
i was tired of all the drama and tried to end it with him but he dumped me first and begged me back an hour later. we had a good couple of days after breaking up and we felt better about everything. clean slate. went to A BBQ with his family the weather was very warm and i put a bikini on. he wasnt so fussed at first but he did what he always does and brought a third party into it, his mum. he tried to say his mum found me wearing a bikini disrespecful. he then stripped naked in front of everyone even people on the footpath which were girls, the whole neighbourhood could see him but he made me feel bad for wearing a bikini. he tried to tackle me in the pool and i grabbed onto him beacsue i didnt want to get wet, i bruised him a little but didnt mean it.
he had been making me out to be crazy for months now and i felt super awkward around his family like they hated me .
i even tried to help them out in a difficult siuation by offering them a place to stay and support. he was due to go away and we spent the last weekend together which turned bad again. we got into this habit of constant arguing. he would do something and i would get upset and kick off. this time it was over the same girl yet again, he said to his mate hes gonna fuck her to hurt me for accusing him and i left at that moment. he said he would take me home soon and we never speak again. i was so so hurt by his behaviour. i messaged a guy to get back at him he seen and ordered me out to the car, i asked him why
he said he may as well cheat with her after everything ive done (what refused to be a doormat?) i got hysterical as my mental health declined over the course of this relationship. he sped up drove dangerously and for the first time i shouted at him. he said get out the fucking car now before i throw you out, had no money, 2% battery and was 20 miles away from my home at 1am. he didnt care told me he couldnt care if i got raped or robed.i didnt get out and he got verbally abusive, grabbed my phone off me and tried to throw it out the window because i had the camera open, i begged him not too. he punched his mirror and said ill fucking hit you in a minute. i was so scared.we sorted things out and went back to his, his mum didnt seem to pleased with me but her son could do no wrong in her eyes, all my fault.
we said goodbye the next day as he left and i was upset not gonna lie. before he went he was joking about fucking prozzies and i couldnt take anymore of it specially when some where in the hotel with him and was making advances. we argued an awful lot split up. he came running back begging me agin for another chance. all good again until he dumps me and accuses me of cheating without evidence. he told me im not loved and that he hates me. he came back again!! stupid me took him back every time. enough was enough with him i found out he was talking to other girls during the break up and his sole intention of the break up was to do that. i left this time and told him never to speak to me again. during this period i came across another man inthe same situation as me and we agreed to go out as mates. he was so understanding, listened to evry word i said and offered good adivce. he didnt let me pay for anything and he looked msde up with me. we kissed after drinking (me and paul were split up a week) i needed to get over him as the relationship was toxic and i couldnt go back. we had sex and it wasnt like it was with paul. he wasnt forceful or the pleausure wasnt centred around him but on both of us. he held me all night and i felt really safe, we seen each other again the next day and went out. he knew the situation with paul and supported me. paul came back again saying he fucked up and asked me to marry him. i loved him still so i said yes and got back with him. this guy easnt angry or mad he understood. i told paul abut this guy although i shouldnt have, paul got angry and returned to his old ways making me leave. i went back to this other guy and we were having fun
i forgot about paul until he harrasseed me again and asked if i had left him for someone else, of course i didnt. i left due to his ways not changing. he came back with marriage proposals again and the usual;. even gave me money towards food because i couldnt afford any. i promised we will work on it and not let stupid things get in the way. he was still being disrespecful but i accepted it in the end. this other guy was telling me pauls gonna hurt me agsain. he was right. on saturday i discoreved hidden files in my house relating to my childhood. they were stashed away. abuse went on and my brothers still in care 5 years later. it was saying i displayed behaviors of being sexually abused and as i read that it felt like id been shot. it reffered to all the abuse that had happened and how child proetection were involved muliple times. i cried as i still live with one if the abusers. i told paul right away and sent him the documents from the courts. he said dont worry i love you im not gonna leave we will get through this together. the next morning he accused me of cheating, said im mental and he hopes i fuck up my life, he left me and made it seem like i was the poblem i was crushed. he then dragged third partes into it again and had gaslighted me to them.
at that moment in time i tried to take my own life by standing on a chair and using a belt to hang myself with. paul was the only peson i felt close so i needed his support. i think hes gone and told everyone about the sexual abuse and showed people the dpcuments. hes demanding his money back off me when i have nothing saying he will come to my house if he has too. im scared of him not going to lie. these past few days have been hard, ive veen drifting out of suicidal thoughts and slept. i feel so betrayed and hurt by him/family, not to mention dealing with flashbacks of the abuse.
