arch33 Member Profile

...See more Hi. This is my first post on the site, and hope this makes sense. I was recently diagnosed with depression, probably major depressive disorder. I say probably, because even though I see the diagnosis on the official record, I somehow think it's a mistake and even worse, that I've somehow tricked all the psychiatrists and psychologists into believing I'm depressed. I've shared the concern with my therapist and I'm slowly learning to embrace that yes, I am struggling and that the help I'm asking for is legitimate, Anyways, being a student, I started working on the assignments oh so long overdue this weekend, feeling like I can actually achieve something. I had talked to some of my professors earlier in the week and they were all very sympathetic and kind enough to offer leniency with deadlines. All this added to a better mood from the meds. Except that.. spending the entire day on my paper, I'm feeling increasingly flustered. And suicidal. I do feel like the only way to really make myself feel better is to catch up with work ASAP, and that's what I've been doing-- and hope to do. And i know this is genuine. But at the same time, I'm finding myself on the verge of tears and my hands shaking, feeling that knot in my stomach like something horrible's going to happen any minute, that heavy feeling back on my chest...I have urges to pull my hair out and hurt myself all over again... and then I catch myself at my desk, imagining myself carrying out my ultimate plan. I mean, I've had the thoughts all along, some worse than others. I've been more successful at pushing them out last couple of days (meds are finally working i guess), and I keep distracting myself from it, but it kind of pops in and makes me nauseous. And what's worse is that I can't even tell if I'm in "crisis," because...I don't know, I don't know if the urge is strong enough. I kind of feel like I'm so antsy I can just head out and carry it out, but I'm also not "determined" if that makes any sense. I'm just really confused. I'm telling myself that this is probably just stress, and trying to calm myself down w/ some quiet music/breathing, but I'm also wondering if anyone has advice or has had similar experience. I'm mostly concerned that I still have the urge to hurt myself despite improved mood (and with all the meds I've been on last two months)..

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