am i imagining symptoms? anxiety? or is it just stress?
Hi. This is my first post on the site, and hope this makes sense.
I was recently diagnosed with depression, probably major depressive disorder. I say probably, because even though I see the diagnosis on the official record, I somehow think it's a mistake and even worse, that I've somehow tricked all the psychiatrists and psychologists into believing I'm depressed.I've shared the concern with my therapist and I'm slowly learning to embrace that yes, I am struggling and that the help I'm asking for is legitimate,
Anyways, being a student, I started working on the assignments oh so long overdue this weekend, feeling like I can actually achieve something. I had talked to some of my professors earlier in the week and they were all very sympathetic and kind enough to offer leniency with deadlines. All this added to a better mood from the meds.
Except that.. spending the entire day on my paper, I'mfeeling increasingly flustered. And suicidal. I do feel like the only way to really make myself feel better is to catch up with work ASAP, and that's what I've been doing-- and hope to do. And i know this is genuine. But at the same time, I'm finding myself on the verge of tears and my hands shaking, feeling that knot in my stomach like something horrible's going to happen any minute, that heavy feeling back on my chest...I haveurges to pull my hair out and hurt myself all over again...
and then Icatchmyself at my desk, imagining myself carrying out my ultimateplan. I mean, I've had the thoughts all along, some worse than others. I've been more successful at pushing them out last couple of days (meds are finally working i guess), and I keep distracting myself from it, but it kind of pops in and makes me nauseous. And what's worse is that I can't even tell if I'm in "crisis," because...I don't know, I don't know if the urge is strong enough. I kind of feel like I'm so antsy I can just head out and carry it out, but I'm also not "determined" if that makes any sense.
I'm just really confused. I'm telling myself that this is probably just stress, and trying to calm myself down w/ some quiet music/breathing,but I'm also wondering if anyone has advice or has had similar experience. I'm mostly concerned that I still have the urge to hurt myself despite improved mood (and withall the meds I've been on last two months)..
I have the same fear or concern, that I'm going to tell the therapist what I need to tell her/him that will allow him/her to diagnose me as depressed. I think, maybe I'm just being dramatic and overstating my symptoms. This is a trick that a depressed persons brain plays on itself and it's probably due to the extreme guilt that depression causes. We can't even believe we have earned or are worthy of our own diagnosis!
Is it normal to have suicidal thoughts even though your mood has improved? Well, I'm not sure if it's normal but I have the same experience. Maybe it's because I know that even though I'm feeling decent now that I'll be feeling like shit again the next day. It's that damn cycle that we go through, we know trouble is around the corner.
I wish you all the best, don't ever give up and just take it one day at a time.
I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety and a depression as a result of that. I am also on medication.
from what I have discussed with my doctor and from my own research it is highly likely that you can develop anxiety as a result of having depression (and vice versa!). I find the way to recognise anxiety over stress is when you are feeling worried/scared/anxious but you can't pin point why. For me if I am stressed I can often explain to someone what I am stressed about (work/money etc) but with my anxiety I feel it in the pit of my stomach but can't explain why.
the medication I am on (anti depressant I am on a second drug as the first one my body wouldn't tolerate) carries many side effect warnings. In fact both the anti depressants I have tried have warned that you can potentially feel worse and suicidal. If this happens the advice is to go back to the doctor. They may change meds, I'm not sure but if you are feeling that bad might be worth another chat or more frequent counselling.
Im sorry you are feeling this way an
(Sorry phone messed up!)
i am sorry you are feeling this way and I hope you start to feel better soon.
im glad you have spoken to your teachers. It is surprising how many people have experienced depression and as much as it can be scary to tell people I have found in my personal experience that telling people so they know why I won't come out as much etc has been really good.
keep moving forward, you are not alone but you are individual. Everyone's mental health journey is a very personal one and no two people are the same. Things will get better it just takes a while :)