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ataylor
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PathStep 18 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 13, 2017
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What do I do? (Trigger Warning)
Trauma Support / by ataylor
Last post
 May 16th, 2021
...See more About two weeks ago I went on a date with a 23 year old guy (I’m 18). We had previously had conversations about what I would be comfortable with and we established that sex was off the table, and that I was a virgin, but I told him it was just because I didn’t trust anyone enough to not pressure me into things, not for religious or spiritual reasons or whatever. He said that consent is important and that he would never try to pressure me into anything. Fast forward to our date, I said that I was fine with making out, and we did, but it gradually got more and more sexual. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said I wasn’t sure, and that we didn’t have protection so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. He said that we could just try it, and that protection wouldn’t matter if he just didn’t go all the way. I have this stupid fear of people hating me for little things, and every guy who has ever liked me has made his affection for me dependent on if I would do sexual things and so I’ve never been in a relationship because I always say no and then they leave. I know what men want, and so when he pushed towards having sex my mind kind of went blank and I said sure, but he didn’t stop when I told him it hurt or when I stopped responding to him (which seemed weird for someone who had told me how much he valued consent). My brain was in some sort of fog and it was like I wasn’t really there, but eventually I panicked and asked him to stop so he did. I feel really gross about the whole thing because I could’ve just said no and he would’ve respected it, but I can never stick up for myself. I feel like I can’t even call this sexual assault because I said yes but I still have just that feeling of dread and shame and self hatred and I don’t know what to do with it. I texted him the day after and told him that I was uncomfortable with the situation, and he said that he was really sorry for making me feel that way but that he could tell I liked it. Just yesterday I called again and he seemed genuinely sorry, and he said that he never should’ve put me in that situation and he should’ve picked up on my nonverbals and he seems really genuine about it, so I agreed to keep seeing him. But there’s no way to tell if he’s lying about everything and he meant to hurt me, or if it really was just an honest mistake and I have no clue what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
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