What do I do? (Trigger Warning)
About two weeks ago I went on a date with a 23 year old guy (I’m 18). We had previously had conversations about what I would be comfortable with and we established that sex was off the table, and that I was a virgin, but I told him it was just because I didn’t trust anyone enough to not pressure me into things, not for religious or spiritual reasons or whatever. He said that consent is important and that he would never try to pressure me into anything. Fast forward to our date, I said that I was fine with making out, and we did, but it gradually got more and more sexual. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said I wasn’t sure, and that we didn’t have protection so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. He said that we could just try it, and that protection wouldn’t matter if he just didn’t go all the way. I have this stupid fear of people hating me for little things, and every guy who has ever liked me has made his affection for me dependent on if I would do sexual things and so I’ve never been in a relationship because I always say no and then they leave. I know what men want, and so when he pushed towards having sex my mind kind of went blank and I said sure, but he didn’t stop when I told him it hurt or when I stopped responding to him (which seemed weird for someone who had told me how much he valued consent). My brain was in some sort of fog and it was like I wasn’t really there, but eventually I panicked and asked him to stop so he did. I feel really gross about the whole thing because I could’ve just said no and he would’ve respected it, but I can never stick up for myself. I feel like I can’t even call this sexual assault because I said yes but I still have just that feeling of dread and shame and self hatred and I don’t know what to do with it. I texted him the day after and told him that I was uncomfortable with the situation, and he said that he was really sorry for making me feel that way but that he could tell I liked it. Just yesterday I called again and he seemed genuinely sorry, and he said that he never should’ve put me in that situation and he should’ve picked up on my nonverbals and he seems really genuine about it, so I agreed to keep seeing him. But there’s no way to tell if he’s lying about everything and he meant to hurt me, or if it really was just an honest mistake and I have no clue what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
Hey sorry you experienced your first sex in a way you didn't want and when you weren't ready. There is a fine line between having sex when you aren't really ready or interested and a sexual assualt Ofcourse the guy crossed the line and, consciously or subconsciously he knows that, he was aware of that but he would not want to admit it to himself, so ot isn't easy to figure out if he is lying or not, maybe you know it, be brave and aak yourself, what do you think, maybe you know he is not sorry but you are not ready for him to let go, but if you don't accept, it may bother you more, that anger you hold is could be because you know something and you still feel weak, Remember, it's a process so take your time, understand yourself, when you are ready ask yourself question on what happened and why, what is making you believe him or not believe him, this needs courage, because maybe like you said you are not ready another guy to leave you for sex, specially jow when you had sex but remember letting him stay for the wrong reason may affect your confidence, specially if he hurts you more I hope you realize that it's not your mistake, even though you were there half way but what happened wasn't your fault, you need to forget yourself. It's the first step, accept what happened, then forgive yourself, take action what you feel right, forgive the other person or not, Hope you heal soon, meanwhile don't blame yourself, you will realize this later that none of this was your fault, Remember this is coming from someone who made all mistakes and hopefully forgiven herself and is at better situation. Take Care :)
@ataylor I'm so sorry that you've been through this, had your first experience tainted in this way. Speaking as a male, the way that he handled the situation, interpreting both your verbal and non verbal cues points towards him entirely disrespecting your right to consent, him ignoring your well-being and him focusing on what he wanted out of the situation at the expense of your mental and physical well-being. This is not ok - guys tend to listen to their bodies first when physically aroused, and the hormones, emotions and adrenaline can be the primary concern. But despite this, it doesn't negate the fact that any guy is quite capable of maintaining sufficient control over his emotions and bodily response to treat you with the respect you deserve. It is not for me to judge whether you should consider breaking up with this guy - only you can make this choice - but give yourself the time to listen to how you feel inside, and don't second guess the decisions you make when your focus is on self preservation and your own well-being. Look after no 1 as if this guy is special enough to acknowledge what he's done wrong, and to accept that his response to you afterwards was not ok, then he might just be worth investing the time into. Otherwise, I'd advise you to think again, and remember that your right to respect should never come as an after thought in a healthy and balanced relationship. 🤗 Grits
Hello I like that you are responsible about the choices make. If you are not ready no one has the right to force it. If they do not stick around because of the choice you made. Then they were there for one thing. Keep making right choices! Good luck