atinybit Member Profile

...See more I love my family. I really do. But sometimes I feel like running so far away from them, somewhere across the world. I’m turning 21, and am the youngest in the family out of the 5 of us siblings (all girls). They’ve been my support system and I spend more time with them than I do with my friends. (Context: We’re in an Asian household so its not common to move out or away). I love them, but sometimes they exude so much toxicity that I feel like I desperately want out. My parents are the worst. I love them to death and I appreciate all their sacrifices, but I’ve only recently come to realised that they’re so, so toxic to my mental health. As the youngest child, the responsibility of taking care of my parent’s wellbeing has fallen onto me. My parent’s expectations have all been placed onto me after they’ve tried their luck and were disappointed in how my other sisters have turned out. Its so suffocating. I don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to communicate my feelings, my mom always finds a way to twist it and guilt-trips me. I’ve been shrugging it off as the youngest person in the house but I feel like I’m at the tip of the iceberg. To witness my parents argue over the smallest to biggest things, at this point all I do is plug in my AirPods and pretend that I’m unable to hear anything and simply disassociate. Recently, there was a time my parents fought during the wee hours of the night and I was in the dining room studying. It almost got violent but I still couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it because I was simply sick of it. I had my priorities, and they weren’t it. It stemmed from a childhood of witnessing an abusive marriage, but above all, I felt like I was conditioned to it. I didn’t feel like stopping the fight, to talk sense into my mom and dad separately. The only person who has ever witnessed the shit that goes on first hand will always be me, the youngest child. As my older siblings live their own lives, they’re not the one witnessing the shit that goes down in the house. At the end of the day, I got called ‘useless’ by my eldest sister for not doing anything to stop the fight. To me, my parents are adults and are mature enough to think through their actions. Whatever the outcome is, I’m not going to reconcile their differences. Thats on them. I’m tired of picking up the pieces. I’m tired of my dad’s temper. I’m tired of mom’s constant victim playing. I love them. But for the sake of my mental health, I just want to run far away. Somewhere no one, not even my sisters, are able to ask me for a favour. I just want out. No more expectations. No more bad temper. No more guilt tripping. No more favours. I just want them to leave me alone. I’d love to share more of the context and of my other emotions, but I feel like it’ll take forever because of build up trauma and childhood emotions. It goes down deeper than this. If you’ve read it this far, thank you :)

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