Family
I love my family. I really do.
But sometimes I feel like running so far away from them, somewhere across the world. I’m turning 21, and am the youngest in the family out of the 5 of us siblings (all girls). They’ve been my support system and I spend more time with them than I do with my friends. (Context: We’re in an Asian household so its not common to move out or away). I love them, but sometimes they exude so much toxicity that I feel like I desperately want out. My parents are the worst. I love them to death and I appreciate all their sacrifices, but I’ve only recently come to realised that they’re so, so toxic to my mental health.
As the youngest child, the responsibility of taking care of my parent’s wellbeing has fallen onto me. My parent’s expectations have all been placed onto me after they’ve tried their luck and were disappointed in how my other sisters have turned out. Its so suffocating. I don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to communicate my feelings, my mom always finds a way to twist it and guilt-trips me. I’ve been shrugging it off as the youngest person in the house but I feel like I’m at the tip of the iceberg. To witness my parents argue over the smallest to biggest things, at this point all I do is plug in my AirPods and pretend that I’m unable to hear anything and simply disassociate.
Recently, there was a time my parents fought during the wee hours of the night and I was in the dining room studying. It almost got violent but I still couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it because I was simply sick of it. I had my priorities, and they weren’t it. It stemmed from a childhood of witnessing an abusive marriage, but above all, I felt like I was conditioned to it. I didn’t feel like stopping the fight, to talk sense into my mom and dad separately. The only person who has ever witnessed the shit that goes on first hand will always be me, the youngest child. As my older siblings live their own lives, they’re not the one witnessing the shit that goes down in the house. At the end of the day, I got called ‘useless’ by my eldest sister for not doing anything to stop the fight. To me, my parents are adults and are mature enough to think through their actions. Whatever the outcome is, I’m not going to reconcile their differences. Thats on them. I’m tired of picking up the pieces.
I’m tired of my dad’s temper. I’m tired of mom’s constant victim playing. I love them. But for the sake of my mental health, I just want to run far away. Somewhere no one, not even my sisters, are able to ask me for a favour. I just want out. No more expectations. No more bad temper. No more guilt tripping. No more favours. I just want them to leave me alone.
I’d love to share more of the context and of my other emotions, but I feel like it’ll take forever because of build up trauma and childhood emotions. It goes down deeper than this. If you’ve read it this far, thank you :)
@atinybit Hi!
Just wanted to quickly respond since I read through it all, and I hope you do not mind my contributing my 2 cents. Today is a holiday but, I just came here since it's still early in the day.
So, I just want to say that, everything you are saying makes sense. I am not Asian, but my parents were like what you described when I was growing up, and you are right not to let them or others get to you. Seems like you already figured this out, so I say that's a good thing. Focusing mostly on your priorities and what your needs are in order to function normally in society and with others outside of your household sounds like a good idea. I am not a therapist, so I will not give you my advice, just commenting since I can relate to this. I know how painful it is, because you do care about them, but you should also have the right to live your life without being controlled and manipulated.
Not sure how helpful this is, but, I was out for a walk and it was too cold, and I decided to come home.
I hope you have a nice rest of your day
I really appreciate this! I feel heard and less guilty of my feelings now. Though I’d like to add on, sometimes the tension and the bad vibes they radiate after they argue with me really affects me.
What did you used to do to disassociate whenever that happens? I’d like to try out different methods other than blocking it out with music.
@atinybit Hi, great question. The best thing is having a hobby or something that you are passionate about, maybe something that you can work and build on over time, that you can dedicate your time to, maybe an aspiration for a kind of job or just an interest. It could be something that turns into something important for you over the course of your life. Make sure to make this a priority and something you can turn to when there is no one else around, not just regarding your family but also other people in your life. It's important to have that as it keeps a person grounded when other people are not available. Hope that makes sense to you and is somewhat helpful, although the last part is maybe not related to youe specific question, but I think it's important to mention that you have to have something that is only yours, and that no one else can "touch"
Sorry for the delay and good luck!
@atinybit p.s. also, I just want to add, make sure that whatever you decide to dedicate your time to is something that will help you in the long run, something healthy. I know it's easy to get bored, and sometimes that still happens to me lol. You might be able to find a distraction of some kind but make sure it's healthy and has a positive impact on your life, something that is not based on addiction. Personally I liked being outdoors when possible or I had an interest in locations and geographies and learning about the world so whenever my mom would travel she would bring me back these booklets about the locations she had been to. Remember not everything about your parents is bad, it's just a good idea for you to maintain your separate identity, and if you are serious about it and show them you have goals they might end up respecting you more for it in the end too.
Hey there, I'm new to this platform so I'm still tryna get used to it and stuff, but man I can really really relate to this, and I'm so glad I found this almost instantly.
I also have a family that I feel is so toxic towards my mental health, in basically the same ways you've mentioned there - my dad always drinks a lot and I suspect he still smokes too despite his poor health, which contributes to his bad temper and argumentative and snappy nature, whilst my mum twists and guilt trips me too, and my sister in the midst of it all is sometimes so lovely and the only family member I feel I can properly open up too, but also is the worse because she is so egotistical and always has a bad temper whenever something small happens. I've also been in that situation when my parents are arguing MULTIPLE times and just like you, I've almost become desensitised to it by either tryna study or listen to music. Both of them expect me to do something as the older child (so I'm opposite to you in that nature) to try calm them down or make ends meet.
But for me, I have bigger priorities, see I'm 17 rn and I'm in the middle of my A Levels. I have a big year ahead of me and I need to get it right. Unfortunately I feel as if all the things that have happened to me that I thought didnt affect me have started to take a toll on my mental health. I feel so much more demotivated nowadays and find myself getting easily distracted by YouTube or video games. What makes things worse is that I can't seem to get a social life, as whenever I get asked by friends if I wanna go out I have a gut feeling that my parents will say no. And so I lie sometimes saying they said no or I say straight up that they'll prob say no. On the rare occasion I ask, they say no or a maybe - which as an Asian person yourself, means no basically.
My question is, it's been 2 years since you posted this, I wanted to know, how are things now for you? And how did you get over it? Did the hobby thing workout for you? And what tips would anyone suggest to overcome the stuff I mentioned?
Hope you are at a better place now. I really understand your situation, I'm going through the same. Accept that I'm the elder one. It feels like constantly walking on egg shells.
I really want to be at a better place, a better environment.
@atinybit
Family love can't be divided.