azureSpruce880 Member Profile

...See more I grew up in a poor country. My mother believed that our ticket to a better life is good education. my father worked abroad to provide. They enrolled me and my brother in a school with english curriculum. My mom didnt know a single english word. with limited resources they helped my brother with tutors. Things were easier for him. I was struggling. My mom suggested that Im a girl I dont have a chance anyway so she wanted to get me out of school. my father disagreed... he paid for my tuition like my brother but with no tutors, and yet they beat me for any bad grades. It was so much pressure for me. I never complained at that time.Instead I worked very hard. I studied day and night. By the first year in high school.I was top of my class. one day I felt desperate all of a sudden. I was in a balcony at school .I had this strong thought that I should throw my self and die. I lost concentration a little bit everyday. my memory was getting worse. I felt no need to eat or sleep. my limbs started to shake at night. I didnt know that my uncle was bipolar. my mom knew that he was on meds but why or which kind she had no idea. no one cared enough.they didnt even know the name of his diagnoses. There was a phsycatrist working almost for free in a charitable medical center nearby. they took me there. she asked my father about our family history. he said my uncle suffered from something but he didnt know the exact diagnoses. the doctor prescribed antidepressants for me. I became better for about a year untill every thing collapsed. I experienced severe phsycosis. terrifying visual hallucations. I couldnt speak a word out of fear from what I saw. I had important exams coming. my mom thought I was playing games by telling her I see nonexisting stuff. they kept giving me antidepressants. I lost control over my body I couldnt move I couldnt speak. finally they took me to another doctor. he knew it was bipolar disorder treated wrong. but it was too late. the only solution was ECts. After finishing Ects I had memory loss. I took mood stabilizers and many other medications for bipolar. my exams were very close. I had not enough time to study what i messed. I had bad grades. my mom was furious that after all these years of me being top of my class. at the final most important exams i failed for something she couldnt understand. where I grew up you dont choose what to study. they assign you a college according to your grades Because its a free education. If you want to choose you can pay in a private college.any way i was assigned accounting which i dont like. I hate numbers. I finished college. started a job. had a manic eposide. couldnt take an execuse. left my job. I knew i could not finish anything or choose anything because an episode can hit me anytime and I have no execuse. I lose everything each time. to be continued......only if anyone cares to know what happened next :)

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