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I've been with my husband for 25 years, married for 20 this August and I feel like it's time to leave him and divorce, but I am really struggling with it. I feel like if I told anyone our story they would look at me like I was crazy for staying as long as I have. I feel like I'm probably attached to him and can't seem to let go, I have a lot of guilt over thinking about leaving him and divorcing...I [/] feel like I have responsibility over his mental health and well-being even though I know that is not normal. To summarize- he's always stolen, lied, hid purchases and smoked marijuana for years. I thought he would grow out of this as adults tend to do. He's been in the roofing industry for his entire life except for a 4 year stint in the Navy. So, his friends have always been questionable...into [/] drugs, jail etc... [/] The big one that happened in 2001 was he was kicked out of the Navy for marijuana (thats the first time I questioned why people leave each other.) All our dreams and plans gone. That was a pretty big mistake, one that he promised would never happen again, we struggled for years, I went back to school, I noticed a lot of weird things with him but just didn't know what to do. Long story short- -he lost his sight one week, we went to numerous doctors, finally determining he had a benign brain tumor. He's been on medication for it to control the growth. When that happened everything got considerably worse. His anger, his aggression, everything. He became even more weirder. I did so much-- research on doctors, appointments, counseling, read tons of books and studies, sought people out online who had the same things etc..... [/] he showed no interest in any of it, didn't take care of himself. I took over everything-- his medication, bills, you name it....He [/] couldn't remember anything....his [/] anger and aggression just became scary and weird. I think he might have a mental illness, the medications he's on are known to cause problems of course. I mean, he would yell at people in parking lots for looking at me, yell at people for any reason, correct people, scream at people from his car window, flip people off, follow people, scare people to think he as going to hit them, road rage, I thought I was going to die in a car accident many times, etc.... [/] so many fights and arguments and threatening to leave and counseling got alll this to calm down.
The breaking point-- he had a really great state job several years ago-- long story short, he did not lose his job because of drugs even though he WAS doing them while employed, but they basically got rid of him because of how he would treat people. He was written up many times and the guy he had to work with hated him, so they came up with some kind of excuse and fired him. Again, great job, everything lost because of him. health insurance, savings drained from his expensive meds with no insurance no job etc ... quickly found another roofing job. He is doing great there now. Popped positive for marijuana when he started there- for some crazy reason(he is very experienced in his field), they let him though and told him he could not do drugs and they wouldn't test him at anytime. He agreed---so Thanksgiving 2015 I caught him smoking weed once again in the yard. When questioned - he always acts like I'm the one with the paranoid problems,, he said, they are't going to test me, and if they do, I'll just find another job. So along with this-- also very heavy drinking for years, drinking mixed with medications, and him still being rude to people in public and rude to me and just all around weird - I told him I was done. We stopped having sex, I didn't want him to touch me, I moved into the spare bedroom. August 2016 I went home for one month and stayed with my family for a break from him, stopped wearing my ring. Came back of course to a trashed house, nothing taken care of, just weirdness. Asked him to move out- he moved out for a month, came back. WE just haven't been getting along since. He told me he was sorry, he wanted me back, willing to do anything, I just ignored him for months, we stayed out of each others way. I told him to move out again last month-- he's been gone for a month and a half -- and I was trying to see myself submitted papers for divorce. But I just can't, I feel like I can't walk away, he's asking for another chance. I feel bad because I should have done all this years ago, but just didn't have the tools, or the know, or the courage. Now- he's willing to give me everything, the house, everything in it, the car because he is so sorry. Alot of the violence and aggression has ceased - he now just has to catch himself with driving and being rude to everyone including me. He has has a werid sense of humor and likes to correct everyone around him. He still drinks, too much for me. I think he's very confused, doesn't know how to act around me. Is constantly apologizing for everything.
He was supposed to go to counseling, but it is so very difficult to find the right councilor or the right help for your situation and also very costly. We spent the last week together just to see how we get along, I was thinking about having him move back in for finances temporarily because I'm not sure if I can afford the house. The last week was not good and I feel like I'm carrying around too much, I'm always tired and my chest and heart hurts.I just don't know the right order to do everything in, everything is just overwhelming. I think I could afford the house after we actually go through the divorce and certain changes are made. He said he's sorry, wants to also move back in get his finances straight, and give it one last try. If we can actually get along, but if not, will move back out for good and be divorced.
Of course- I'm terrified of starting over and being on my own, but I know I can do it. If I'm honest with myself I've been alone for a very long time. It's just the investment of 25 years and also not wanting to make a mistake and have regrets. I wish I had had the courage and knowledge to do this sooner. I just woke up one day and had enough. I feel like I cant even go through with the divorce- it just feels wrong. Like I shouldn't. Like it's not finished yet. But my gut is saying just go - you've had enough. I don't want to waste any more of my time being unhappy, scared and stressed. I feel like I need to go through with this even though it feels wrong. Is that crazy? I feel like you should be absolutely sure of a decision.I don't want to make a mistake or have regrets. It's just tearing me apart. I'm also afraid something bad will happen to him and then I will carry guilt for the rest of life. I feel very stuck.
