Advice Please - Stay or Divorce

@beachliving

Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.

I've been with my husband for 25 years, married for 20 this August and I feel like it's time to leave him and divorce, but I am really struggling with it. I feel like if I told anyone our story they would look at me like I was crazy for staying as long as I have. I feel like I'm probably attached to him and can't seem to let go, I have a lot of guilt over thinking about leaving him and divorcing...I feel like I have responsibility over his mental health and well-being even though I know that is not normal. (You are not responsible for his health or feelings, he is the one responsible for those kind of things. He is an adult now, and you are not the caregiver, you are his wife. It's important to remember this) To summarize- he's always stolen, lied, hid purchases and smoked marijuana for years. I thought he would grow out of this as adults tend to do. (This doesn't sound good, those are red flags he is showing. The thing is that sometimes people tend to over look this thinking the person would change or that they would change him, but it's not the case since these are strong issues he is showing). He's been in the roofing industry for his entire life except for a 4 year stint in the Navy. So, his friends have always been questionable...into drugs, jail etc... (At times, not always you got to look at the people he surrounds himself with because more than likely he will attract people with the same issues as him, so this is another flag here). The big one that happened in 2001 was he was kicked out of the Navy for marijuana (thats the first time I questioned why people leave each other.) All our dreams and plans gone. That was a pretty big mistake, one that he promised would never happen again, we struggled for years (This sounds like you went through a very rough time, I'm sure it was not easy going through all of this), I went back to school, I noticed a lot of weird things with him but just didn't know what to do. Long story short- -he lost his sight one week, we went to numerous doctors, finally determining he had a benign brain tumor. (This is terrible to have, hopefully he is doing better soon. Losing his sight for one week must had felt scary and hurtful for him to go through.) He's been on medication for it to control the growth. When that happened everything got considerably worse. His anger, his aggression, everything. He became even more weirder. (We don't know exactly the cause of this, however these kind of behaviors are unhealthy so it will mess with your comfort and safety in the marriage. You no longer feel safe and comfortable beause of this behavior, he is bringing a lot of stress and tension to the marriage, so its turning this marriage into an unhealthy one). I did so much-- research on doctors, appointments, counseling, read tons of books and studies, sought people out online who had the same things etc..... he showed no interest in any of it, didn't take care of himself. (You are being a wonderful, patient, caring wife, its truly amazing your dedication and love. You are doiing everything you can, but he is not willing to help himself so it'll make you feel tired at some point. He is just stuck on a certain mindset and not willing to improve at this point). I took over everything-- his medication, bills, you name it....He couldn't remember anything....his anger and aggression just became scary and weird. (This is starting to get very serious, stressful for you. I could only imagine what you went through all of this. Well anger and agression can be quite scary, its like a short time bomb when it comes to his temper). I think he might have a mental illness, the medications he's on are known to cause problems of course. I mean, he would yell at people in parking lots for looking at me (Yelling at people in parking lots who looks at you comes across insecure and controlling, losing emotional self control. He seems like a control freak. A man with high self esteem and confidence would not behave this way), yell at people for any reason, correct people, scream at people from his car window, flip people off, follow people, scare people to think he as going to hit them, (This is unhealthy and toxic behavior coming from him, this is the way he solves things through yelling, stalking, threats of hitting them. It's impossible to have a healthy marriage with someone like this). road rage, I thought I was going to die in a car accident many times, etc.... so many fights and arguments and threatening to leave and counseling got alll this to calm down. (I could tell arguments comes from mostly him when he loses emotional self control, it doesnt make you feel safe and comfortable. You are not feeling heard and understood by him. His toxic and unhealthy behaviors pushed you away to the point you wanted to leave).

The breaking point-- he had a really great state job several years ago-- long story short, he did not lose his job because of drugs even though he WAS doing them while employed, but they basically got rid of him because of how he would treat people. (He has a lot of self destructive behaviors to the point its affecting everyone around him, including you) He was written up many times and the guy he had to work with hated him, so they came up with some kind of excuse and fired him. Again, great job, everything lost because of him. health insurance, savings drained from his expensive meds with no insurance no job etc ... quickly found another roofing job. He is doing great there now. Popped positive for marijuana when he started there- for some crazy reason(he is very experienced in his field), they let him though and told him he could not do drugs and they wouldn't test him at anytime. He agreed---so Thanksgiving 2015 I caught him smoking weed once again in the yard. (He actually could had lost this job, he is just lucky they let him off the hook, but from the looks of it seems he can't keep a stable job or be on a job where he doesn't let his issues and addictions take over him) When questioned - he always acts like I'm the one with the paranoid problems,, (he is disorting reality at this moment, so basically he is smoking weed, but then calls you paranoid. He is also being abusive by saying those things) he said, they are't going to test me, and if they do, I'll just find another job. (Look at his mindset...he knows he shouldn't be doing this, what would cause, but he is not caring about it. Look at what he said "they aren't going to test and if they do, ill just find another job", this person its not behaving like an adult). So along with this-- also very heavy drinking for years, drinking mixed with medications, and him still being rude to people in public and rude to me and just all around weird - I told him I was done. (This is more self destructive behaviors, all of this will make you behave even worst). We stopped having sex, I didn't want him to touch me, I moved into the spare bedroom. August 2016 (Of course you wouldn't want sex with him, he is rude, mean, disrespectful and abusive. He doesn't make you feel heard and understood, it doesn't make you feel safe on this marriage) I went home for one month and stayed with my family for a break from him, stopped wearing my ring. Came back of course to a trashed house, nothing taken care of, just weirdness. (I'm not surprised that things became this disorganized without you, he doesn't know what to do, this is starting to feel as if you are his parents, not his wife) Asked him to move out- he moved out for a month, came back. WE just haven't been getting along since. (This is starting to sound like a cycle, you know he treats you poorly, but yet you continue to take him back, you are enabling his behavior at this point) He told me he was sorry, he wanted me back, willing to do anything, I just ignored him for months, we stayed out of each others way. (Actually no, he actually wanted you back to soothe (calm down) his issues, couldn't live without you, so this wasn't because he really wanted to make this work.) I told him to move out again last month-- he's been gone for a month and a half -- and I was trying to see myself submitted papers for divorce. But I just can't, I feel like I can't walk away, he's asking for another chance. (Ask yourself this; Does he makes me happy? Is he interested in how I'm as a person?, Do i feel safe and comfortable with him?, Does he makes me feel heard and understood?, Does he really loves me?, Is he the right person for me?, Is he going to change?, if the answer is no to all of them then this marriage needs to ends for good. He is asking for a second because you have become an object to him so soothe his own issues, a week or two later his old behaviors will come back and then you'll experience so much hurt). I feel bad because I should have done all this years ago, but just didn't have the tools, or the know, or the courage. Now- he's willing to give me everything, the house, everything in it, the car because he is so sorry. (It's strange, why he didn't behave this way when you were with him? why now when you are leaning more towards leaving? it's because he is doing whatever he can to makes you closer to him because he can't live without you, he needs you to survive which is very unhealthy. Nothing good will come out of this). Alot of the violence and aggression has ceased - he now just has to catch himself with driving and being rude to everyone including me. (He won't change by himself, it'll take therapy and an extreme dedication to overcome this. He is still doing those old behaviors, whether they ceased or not). He has has a werid sense of humor and likes to correct everyone around him. (In other words he doesn't value people opinions, it's all about him and what he thinks) He still drinks, too much for me. I think he's very confused, doesn't know how to act around me. Is constantly apologizing for everything. (This is just insecure behavior, not acting confident. He is still drinks which will highten his behavior and will make him even more aggressive.)

He was supposed to go to counseling, but it is so very difficult to find the right councilor or the right help for your situation and also very costly. We spent the last week together just to see how we get along, I was thinking about having him move back in for finances temporarily because I'm not sure if I can afford the house. (Well he is acting different because you two are living separately so obviously he will put his best foot forward, but things will start soon as you two start living together). The last week was not good and I feel like I'm carrying around too much, I'm always tired and my chest and heart hurts (It's normal to feel this way, you have put everything in your shoulder, so you are bound to feel worn out and tired. It's stressful doing this, you are carrying with too many responsabiities that you shouldn't have when it comes to him). I just don't know the right order to do everything in, everything is just overwhelming. I think I could afford the house after we actually go through the divorce and certain changes are made. He said he's sorry, wants to also move back in get his finances straight, and give it one last try. If we can actually get along, but if not, will move back out for good and be divorced. (You gave him far too many chances, and not even once he changed. Who is to say he won't behave the same way again?)

Of course- I'm terrified of starting over and being on my own, but I know I can do it. (Yes you can do it, you are more than capable to achieve this). If I'm honest with myself I've been alone for a very long time. It's just the investment of 25 years and also not wanting to make a mistake and have regrets. (He has been abusive, disrespectful, rude, mean to you, the mistake is staying with him. You deserve a man with high self esteem and confidence who will treat you respectfully). I wish I had had the courage and knowledge to do this sooner. I just woke up one day and had enough. I feel like I cant even go through with the divorce- it just feels wrong. (It shouldn't feel wrong, you gave him tons of chances and not even once he changed. He lost you for good for his own behaviors) Like I shouldn't. Like it's not finished yet. But my gut is saying just go - you've had enough. I don't want to waste any more of my time being unhappy, scared and stressed. (That is the perfect mindset, it's madness to keep this going, specially when you deserve far far far better than this. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, he didn't appreciate you like he should have). I feel like I need to go through with this even though it feels wrong. Is that crazy? (You are actually doing the right thing by ending the marriage, he turned this relationship into a toxic and unhealthy one) I feel like you should be absolutely sure of a decision.I don't want to make a mistake or have regrets. It's just tearing me apart. I'm also afraid something bad will happen to him and then I will carry guilt for the rest of life. I feel very stuck. (You are not responsible for him, you tried to help, but he didn't try to help himself. He didn't improve one bit throughout the marriage. He didn't met your needs and wants, and didn't make you happy. It's time you focus on your own happiness and well being, not on his).