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bearfriend
273 M Embraced 2
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts45 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJune 13, 2022
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What happens when nothing makes you happy?
Depression Support / by bearfriend
Last post
 July 16th, 2022
...See more I’ve had depression pretty much my entire life, and I’ve had good and bad points. Recently my mental health has plummeted. I’ve had panic attacks constantly and have had to go to urgent care and call crisis lines many times to get through dark points. I’ve fully stopped having an appetite or eating, and have dropped 25lbs in a few months (I’m only 5’1”). Making safety plans for a crisis is always more hurtful than helpful- I can never answer honestly about why I want to continue living or what activities make me happy. Nothing distracts me from the trauma I’m currently reliving, and I’m currently in a situation where I have no control over the things that I’m going through. I’ve fought for myself and lost in a lot of major life decisions, meaning I’m now going alone with someone else’s choices with no say in the matter. I used to be able to dissociate and go into auto-pilot during work hours, but now time is impossibly slow and I feel like I’m treading water constantly. How do you get through this? Everyone always suggests activities to try, but none of them really help. The best I can do is tasks like cleaning to stay busy and pass the time.
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Do cats know?
Hobby Zone / by bearfriend
Last post
 August 30th, 2022
...See more I was a veterinary assistant in cat only practice for 5 years, so i feel well-versed in cat behavior. But it still shocks me that cats can be such good supporters. I’ve been going through an extremely rough time, my partner left me alone at home through it and I’ve done not much other than sob or take sedatives and sleep between visits to urgent care, time with parents, and calls to various crisis/mental health professionals. My normally grumpy/standoffish old lady cat has perked up and met me at the door whenever i get home from an appointment, and then parks herself right next to me in bed (she normally sleeps at the foot of it and keeps her distance), and i even catch her watching me sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night. She also purrs loudly out of nowhere, like she’s trying to soothe me. does anyone else have pets who go out of their way to soothe them?
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Partner blaming all problems on my BPD?
Personality Disorders Support / by bearfriend
Last post
 August 21st, 2022
...See more In short my [25F] partner [27F], have been having a rocky relationship since moving in together a year ago. Mainly, these have been due to her drastically changing her mind on life goals we had established, and being extremely unhelpful with upkeep of the apartment (our roommates have also been awful on this front, so I’ve been working my butt off to make up for all three of them). This is the first time I’ve moved away from my parents as well, and have been honestly miserable since moving. Unfortunately, my gf has also made habits that triggered my abandonment issues and have made me a lot more delicate than the average partner. She has a very concrete understanding in her mind of what a healthy relationship and lifestyle is, which she asserts pretty heavily in a way that makes me feel crazy, even when I’m trying to ask for very basic things. She’s extremely intent on taking care of herself first and foremost, even if it’s hurtful to me, and refuses to believe any of this behavior is toxic. It’s scary, because some days she comes home and is genuinely the sweetest, most enthusiastic partner I could ask for, and the next she’s yelling at me to back off and leave her alone. I understand that my emotions are extremely difficult to deal with, but constantly being treated like it’s my own fault that I’m unhappy and refusing to take any accountability (her favorite thing to tell me is if she isn’t making me happy, i need to find happiness elsewhere), is simply not right on her part. Even the healthiest person in the world would be unhappy in a circumstance where they were taking care of 3 other people (oh, financially as well), and also had to ask their partner for attention, only to be denied it most of the time? I feel that she looks down on me and treats me like I’m too unstable to truly know what’s good for me, and it’s humiliating. It’s also ironic, because she has blatant dependency issues on her own friends, and her main coping mechanism is to game nonstop and not take care of chores, her hygiene, or anything else. If I show concern for her not taking care of herself, she gets extremely defensive and acts as if I’m trying to control her instead of trying to help her. In general, she’s extremely defensive of what she’s decided is healthy for herself, even if it’s hurtful to herself and others in reality. If I suggest she get professional help, she says that’s her own problem and she’ll deal with it however she wants. Despite all this, some days she’ll suddenly start apologizing for her wrongdoings completely unprompted and be as sweet as can be, almost like she reverts to her personality when we started dating (she was an extremely loving partner and essentially lovebombed me for 6 months straight). She tried to end our relationship and made it clear that I couldn’t change her mind even if I had a gun to my head, then suddenly came home one day and said we were fine again, and she’s maintained that she doesn’t think we’re going to blow up again for some reason. We had a fight today because I’ve recently been through a traumatic event and specifically asked for company and help with chores, and she specifically made plans yesterday and today to leave me alone. She ended up yelling at me and then apologizing profusely and said she wants to be better, despite during this argument vehemently refusing to get therapy or do anything else that would “cross her own boundaries”. How do I communicate with her more effectively? I hate fighting the way that we do. I just want to feel loved and taken care of. I feel that she needs therapy as well to work through some of her own problems, but when I mention it she just accuses me of trying to force her to fix herself to make myself happy. Am I being irrational? Am I splitting on her? I know sometimes I can be irrational and not realize until much later. I know she has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and I’ve tried to research the two to see if I could get any insight on how to approach the situation but haven’t had any luck. if anyone has any tips, insight, resources, or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
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Finding help?
Personality Disorders Support / by bearfriend
Last post
 June 21st, 2022
...See more I’m not diagnosed, but feel strongly that I’m struggling with BPD. Does anyone have experience finding a therapist to help in this specific circumstance? It’s important to me because I feel that I’ve had no luck communicating with anyone about my recent mental health problems unless they understand and sympathize with BPD specifically. Unfortunately, suicidality is very involved, so speaking to a listener here is off the table. I’ve seen a couple’s counselor, but she forgot about everything I opened up to her about trauma-wise by the second session we had together, favored my partner intensely, and poked at my triggers without any understanding of the effect it had on me. I’ve called the suicide hotline a few times now. I do not have support at home. My insurance situation is potentially changing, which makes matters more complicated, especially when the need for help is urgent. Any help or resources are very appreciated. Thank you.
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BPD? DPD?
Personality Disorders Support / by bearfriend
Last post
 June 18th, 2022
...See more I’m diagnosed currently with generalized anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I’m questioning now if I have BPD, and am looking for advice dealing with some symptoms associated with it. I mostly struggle with a major fear of abandonment, and dependency issues. I feel like I can relate the feelings associated with having a FP to my romantic partners… they become my entire world, I tend to “split” on them (one minute they are my world, the best thing to ever happen, the next I’m disgusted with them for how they treat me, and I bounce back and forth between if my anger is justified). My first major relationship was one where an adult groomed me from age 12 to 20, so I was manipulated into dependency to a point. The problem is that with my most recent partner, who has treated me healthily, I’ve been the same way. I’m disgusted with myself for how I treat her at times.. and at other times, I feel entirely justified for being angry or upset. We’ve had relationship issues, and she has ultimately decided she is done, which has led to me spiraling- I literally feel like I could die from her abandoning me. I’ve been struggling every minute of every day, I’ve never recalled being in this much agony. All over a breakup, where she isn’t even threatening to actually leave me- she’s still here holding me while I cry every day. On the flip side, we agreed to attend therapy together, and she agreed today that she would be open to us getting help to mend the relationship if the therapist felt it was the right move… I instantly felt my brain clear, I could eat, I could see a future again. After weeks of not being able to work up an appetite or even consider not dying. I feel much better, and can’t deny that- but the rational part of my brain is appalled! I feel like the swing back to healthy behavior being so instant and powerful, even more than the spiral into a dark place, was more confirmation that I have this dependency issue. I feel that the rest of my relationships are healthy. In general, I feel like I’m a well-adjusted person. I thought that these struggles existed only when I was being groomed and abused. I want to be better, but I feel like when I speak to anyone about this, they treat me like I’m crazy and toxic and just need to get over it- which isn’t super helpful. I want to be better and not hurt the people I love the most. All I know how to do for now is apologize for my past actions and take full responsibility for them, while also trying to explain my experience with confusing and volatile emotions. I mostly just don’t want my ex to take the blame I misplaced onto her for my pain. I’m pursuing both couple’s counseling and individual therapy for this. However, I am looking for advice from others with similar experiences. How do you manage your emotions effectively? How do you communicate about what you’re experiencing (to loved ones or professionals)? Just any advice or resources would be appreciated.
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Major life changes following a breakup
Relationship Stress / by bearfriend
Last post
 June 17th, 2022
...See more I recently posted about the situation with my ex-gf here, but in short, she recently broke it off in the midst of us seeking help and it has been very shocking and difficult for me to cope with. That’s putting it very lightly… every minute has felt like I’m fighting to cope and go on. As I explained in my last thread, I have trauma regarding being groomed for nearly 10 years growing up that could have caused these severe, difficult to explain dependency issues. the problem is that it’s not all just my irrational brain going wack, but that there are very real consequences… we’re on the verge of having to renew our lease, or decide to separate, and we aren’t just living by ourselves… there is a teenager my ex is caring for who is dependent on us, and my friend is another roommate in the situation. To top it off, the living situation has been very difficult, with me taking the brunt of the housework and financial responsibility (along with having to take on new jobs that have been traumatically abusive to be able to afford the situation), so staying in the apartment will be an extremely unhealthy move for me, especially while watching my partner who i still love move on from me. I’ve considered my options, moving in with my parents again- which is shameful to me, and also difficult for them, since they are trying to retire and downsize… I may have to quit my new, well-paying job due to the commute change as well (I rely on community transit). I could talk to my friend/roommate, but my mental health is teetering so much that I worry I will not be alive for long and abandon him if I end up living with him… not to mention that our living arrangement thus far hasn’t been a happy one for me. i have basically begged my ex to reconsider given the circumstances, since she still wants to live together and ultimately doesn’t want a ton to change, but she’s made up her mind that she just doesn’t want it. We’ve started seeing a couple’s therapist who saw me for an individual appointment and will see her in a few days, and while my ex has said she’s open to possibilities, she also says she’s going to stick to her guns and tell the therapist she’s done and just wants us to have a healthy breakup, so I’m not confident that even a professional will be given permission to help us mend things. I’m really torn on how to go forward. I can not afford to live by myself. I do not feel it’s healthy for me to stay in our shared apartment, even if it’s practical. Part of me wants to stay to stay close to her, but I feel it’s unfair to both of us to do that. any advice on what feels appropriate? Do you think there’s a way for us to mend things, if approached in a different way? We aren’t on bad terms at all, but she strongly feels she isn’t ready for the commitment of a relationship. Thank you for reading.
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Dependency issues during a breakup
Relationship Stress / by bearfriend
Last post
 June 17th, 2022
...See more I’ve lived with my (now ex)girlfriend for about a year. We’ve had some issues after moving in together, largely due to her changing her mind on many of our core values as a couple. She’s also more interested in gaming and flying out to see her friends every month than be serious about our relationship, despite me spending a large sum of my savings on our apartment- something she pays me back for slowly, and frequently misses payments. I’ve been miserable, but have wanted to fix things consistently. I love her and want better for us. During these fights, she consistently says that she refuses to change and that I’m asking her to change her core values for me. She also says that she refuses to let me learn to deal with them to keep the relationship alive, so I’m not exactly sure what she wants me to do when I’m unhappy with her decisions. We eventually decided to go to couple’s therapy, and I was truly expecting us to get better, until one day I came home and she said she was completely done, no questions to be asked. We continued as normal, as we live together still, and it was so sudden that I can barely believe it’s happening. I also have an extreme fear of abandonment… a counselor explained to me that my dependency issues are likely caused by a trusted adult grooming me from age 12-20, as grooming requires the victim to be made very dependent on the groomer. I have explained to my gf that I feel this breakup is sudden and extreme, and that for me it feels absolutely life-crushing. The fear of splitting up is so extreme that if I truly accept it, I feel I have no option but to die. Unfortunately, she’s seen this reaction as me being abusive towards her and not respecting her decision, despite us going to therapy soon and me looking into my own individual therapy. I’ve had no intention of trapping her in an unhappy relationship… I feel strongly that we can recover from this and I want to help us get better. I’m meeting our couple’s therapist alone tomorrow, who only knows my partner’s point of view, which is that we broke up and my partner just wants me to be able to cope with it. I plan on giving her my perspective, that I’m extremely scared in this situation but also have genuine love in my heart for my partner and want to get better if there’s any way to get there. I’m very afraid of getting through the days between therapy sessions, as it feels like I’m terrified and causing my gf to hate me more each day. I’ve truly been so torn up about this that I haven’t eaten for days and spend most of my time in a blind panic or sleeping. I’ve had to call many crisis counselors to try to cope while I wait to be matched with a therapist. Does anyone have any advice for coping with this level of fear of abandonment brought on by dependency? Is there any way I should communicate with my ex that will help soothe the tension between us? Thank you for listening.
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