Partner blaming all problems on my BPD?

In short my [25F] partner [27F], have been having a rocky relationship since moving in together a year ago. Mainly, these have been due to her drastically changing her mind on life goals we had established, and being extremely unhelpful with upkeep of the apartment (our roommates have also been awful on this front, so I’ve been working my butt off to make up for all three of them).

This is the first time I’ve moved away from my parents as well, and have been honestly miserable since moving. Unfortunately, my gf has also made habits that triggered my abandonment issues and have made me a lot more delicate than the average partner. She has a very concrete understanding in her mind of what a healthy relationship and lifestyle is, which she asserts pretty heavily in a way that makes me feel crazy, even when I’m trying to ask for very basic things. She’s extremely intent on taking care of herself first and foremost, even if it’s hurtful to me, and refuses to believe any of this behavior is toxic. It’s scary, because some days she comes home and is genuinely the sweetest, most enthusiastic partner I could ask for, and the next she’s yelling at me to back off and leave her alone. I understand that my emotions are extremely difficult to deal with, but constantly being treated like it’s my own fault that I’m unhappy and refusing to take any accountability (her favorite thing to tell me is if she isn’t making me happy, i need to find happiness elsewhere), is simply not right on her part. Even the healthiest person in the world would be unhappy in a circumstance where they were taking care of 3 other people (oh, financially as well), and also had to ask their partner for attention, only to be denied it most of the time?

I feel that she looks down on me and treats me like I’m too unstable to truly know what’s good for me, and it’s humiliating. It’s also ironic, because she has blatant dependency issues on her own friends, and her main coping mechanism is to game nonstop and not take care of chores, her hygiene, or anything else. If I show concern for her not taking care of herself, she gets extremely defensive and acts as if I’m trying to control her instead of trying to help her. In general, she’s extremely defensive of what she’s decided is healthy for herself, even if it’s hurtful to herself and others in reality. If I suggest she get professional help, she says that’s her own problem and she’ll deal with it however she wants. Despite all this, some days she’ll suddenly start apologizing for her wrongdoings completely unprompted and be as sweet as can be, almost like she reverts to her personality when we started dating (she was an extremely loving partner and essentially lovebombed me for 6 months straight). She tried to end our relationship and made it clear that I couldn’t change her mind even if I had a gun to my head, then suddenly came home one day and said we were fine again, and she’s maintained that she doesn’t think we’re going to blow up again for some reason.

We had a fight today because I’ve recently been through a traumatic event and specifically asked for company and help with chores, and she specifically made plans yesterday and today to leave me alone. She ended up yelling at me and then apologizing profusely and said she wants to be better, despite during this argument vehemently refusing to get therapy or do anything else that would “cross her own boundaries”.

How do I communicate with her more effectively? I hate fighting the way that we do. I just want to feel loved and taken care of. I feel that she needs therapy as well to work through some of her own problems, but when I mention it she just accuses me of trying to force her to fix herself to make myself happy. Am I being irrational? Am I splitting on her? I know sometimes I can be irrational and not realize until much later.

I know she has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and I’ve tried to research the two to see if I could get any insight on how to approach the situation but haven’t had any luck.

if anyone has any tips, insight, resources, or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!