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bestMaple4303
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 18, 2025
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marriage stress...no one to talk to. Long post.
Relationship Stress / by bestMaple4303
Last post
 May 13th, 2025
...See more I constantly have disagreements with my husband. Seems almost all feelings I share with him turn into some form of a disagreement. I often feel like I am the problem. He is not a bad person; he doesn't do bad things like lie or hurt me etc. He is an avoidant type. He buries emotions and I am emotional so we clash. Disagreements are often left unresolved. I am so frustrated that every time I share any emotions or feelings that aren’t about sunshine and rainbows he gets defensive and can't take my words or even really listen to them and immediately gets upset at me and often says things like "apparently I always do this or that" or "I guess I am just angry all the time" or flips my feelings onto me and points out that I do those things too sometimes...I can't tell him that he is shifting blame because yet again he gets upset about that. I have tried every approach, calm direct language and “we” statements and assured him I am not attacking etc but nothing changes his reactions. In fact, if I start with “please understand I am not attacking you but I would like to say something if you could listen (my therapist told me to say this) he will immediately sigh or his demeanor and body language will change because he knows it will be about him doing something wrong or at least I assume that is how he sees it. I also end up confused in the middle of a lot of arguments. It is as if he hears something totally different coming from me than what I am actually saying and he then says something else and it totally confuses me so I have to ask what he means a lot and he gets frustrated explaining or talks to me like I am stupid like I just don’t get it or I am struggling to grasp my point because I am lost in what is actually being talked about and stuttering, it makes me look like I don’t know what I am actually talking about. Then I will say something about how that made me feel stupid or his tone being a certain way and he just doesn’t think he did anything wrong and usually says I am “reading too much into it” or “over thinking it” or being too sensitive or hearing it wrong. I am not sure if this is done on purpose, or maybe he just doesn’t realize or he is so set in his ways and he can’t see that he might be in the wrong? Also, I might mention that in 6 years he has apologized maybe a handful of times. He thinks his actions and words are intentional and has said that he wouldn’t do or say something it if he didn’t mean it so he rarely apologizes. I apologize too much, imagine that. Communication between us is very poor. Clearly. Understanding of each other is very low. He is a man that would do anything for anyone, including me, and everyone thinks he is a great man...but...as my therapist says to me...but... I know he probably sees himself as a huge failure when I bring an issue up and that is not what I want and I don't feel that way at all but I don’t like feeling like I should keep my mouth shut or bury my feelings to avoid upsetting him or "causing" a fight again...he dislikes fighting, dislikes disagreements and I know this cycle we are in is stressing him out too and I feel he is tiring of it. He is a very rigid thinker, like his way or thought processes make sense to him more than yours does so that means his way is the only way and he will argue with anyone about it until they give up. Literally all his friends and family call him bull headed so this is well known. This is also an issue for my 16-year-old who never challenges him and walks on eggshells and feels he messes up all the time due to how my husband reacts over things, he is a tough love type and I am not, so naturally he feels I am responsible for my teens negative behaviors because I give in all the time and he is spoiled…I call it being kind and loving, but ok… This resentment feeling boils and boils and some days I feel we can't get past this and we will never be truly happy together. Other days are better, like when we go out or something or when we are both in good moods. Little back story...he lived with his parents until he was in his mid-30s and I was the first woman he got serious with. First woman he ever lived with. A lot of firsts with me. Before me he never took relationships seriously or would leave them quickly. He has been hurt as well. But so far, he is sticking with me even though I have these emotions he can’t seem to handle. He speaks about other relationships he witnesses or other women dating his friends who are “crazy” like he would be gone by now if it were him…when those women are similar to me. He had a reputation for being a womanizer before me which interestingly enough he despises his father for being the same way. He avoids his past and I know to some degree he is ashamed of some of it. I feel he never learned some pretty important skills to be in a serious relationship. Lately he has also gotten on me about having friends so it takes some pressure off him to be my support system. I am 38 now, work full time and I am introverted big time. I live in a small town that he grew up in... surrounded by all these people that know him. I left all my friends back in another state when I moved to where I am now to be with him. Making friends is not easy for me at all but I feel like I am failing him by not having any. He thinks I am intentionally not making friends because I am not a big people person and I am not open to meeting others and choosing to be friendless. Not the case at all. He is not introverted so he has no clue that putting myself out there is pretty hard. Also, and please tell me if this is wrong to feel, I find it challenging to pick who I can look into for possible friendship since a lot of the women my age in this small town that I know of have been…well, with him...He thinks that is ridiculous of me to feel. What do you think? Also, on that note he says this stuff to me about friends which would take some time away from him and my family…but also gets upset that I am not gung-ho into his interests as much as he is…to paint that picture he is a mechanic by trade and then he has projects he does outside of work. Lately he works all day, comes home and eats food I make then goes to his own shop and works on his projects until 10-11pm. I have gone out there from time to time to help but he gets upset that I don’t do it as much as he wants me to. Then he says the reason we don’t see each other is because I am not going out there because I know he is busy and has work to do, that me going to his shop to would solve that issue…this puts all the fault on me for not going rather than any at all on him for choosing to spend all his time out there working on his stuff. Am I in the wrong on this? I am so confused and I feel like I suck but I also feel he needs a partner that is basically his identical twin with the mentality or personality of a man with no emotions…
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new here...lost on life, big relationship stuff, just everything
Women's Issues / by bestMaple4303
Last post
 March 9th, 2025
...See more I am in my late 30s and I have no friends, I have mental health issues from years of deep trauma and I do see a psychologist but I just feel like I need to hear from a regular person who might relate but I have no one to talk to. I am married but my husband doesn't feel like a safe space. I have learned through the years that I just can't talk to him. We communicate very poorly and he takes everything I say as criticism and only seems to get defensive or shifts blame on me and doesn't really hear me, so I stopped talking as much. He also has anger issues, always has since he was a kid, so that is his first and usually his only reaction to any kind of "negative" issue. It feels so lonely. I think my husband sees me as a mom. I do everything for the house, cook, clean, laundry, pay the bills, take care of my teenager, make his dr appointments and work full time and he does what he's always done and rarely takes any of that off my shoulders. He thinks (he has said this) that by working and providing more money than I do that that should be all he has to do and that house chores etc. aren't his responsibility. Also taking my son to the doc or something is my job because I bring in less income so if I miss work it’s not as big of a deal. I am burnt the heck out. I feel there is resentment and there is definitely unresolved conflict and I really don't know if it will ever be addressed, even my therapist thinks he may not be someone who can be reasoned with. He would never do therapy with me he thinks therapists are "quacks". I just can't bring things like this up to him because he gets upset and I end up feeling like it's my fault for ever opening up. He tells me he struggles with me because I am not happy all the time like I once was and I don't smile much anymore.... but I feel this strain on me and I can't talk to him, so yes, I would agree that I am not as happy anymore. Sometimes I feel like I need to fake smiles so he is happy. He doesn't put in effort anymore; not like he did to get me. He has big hobbies that he spends most of his extra time doing. He will get home from work and eat what I cooked then go out to do his side work he enjoys and come home anywhere between 9 and 11 or 12. We are rarely intimate, definitely not outside the bedroom anymore and I noticed very recently I don't even want to. Honestly it scares me that I have that feeling. I used to all the time and I craved his affections, cuddling etc. but it just became less and less over time and I got tired of kind of asking for it so it just is this way now and no one does anything to change it. I am noticing I feel a disconnection. I honestly don't know how he feels all the time because he wont talk about emotions even when I set up a space for him to unload and ask him how he is doing. He seems very disconnected with his emotions and I am very connected to mine so it is tough. I think all the time he spends doing his work is a big distraction for him.  I don't know much of who I am and I am almost 40. I have no passions, my job is just a job I got one day and I am not happy in it but I live in a small town with very little options, also, I would love to move to be around more things or jobs but my husband wont because it would mean not living close to his parents...of which he has a very very close relationship with and they are always involved (he lived with them until his mid 30's and I was the reason he finally moved out)...all my family is very far but I have not been close to many of them since my parents were a big part of the trauma I experienced, my dad died years ago anyway. I also have ADHD and this has been tough, I found out a little over a year ago and it explains a lot about me but my husband is struggling to accept some of that still. I feel he thinks some of it is not real or is an excuse. He is the "just get over it" or "just don't think about it" type. It is hard to make friends, I am such an introvert. I had a bunch some years ago because I was a heavy drinker after losing my sons bio-father to suicide when we were 24 years old. It is easy to be surrounded by people when you are always drunk at a bar...I quit drinking about 6 years ago when I met my husband (he has never drank before) and now I have no one except my husband, my son and my sister who is 3 hours away.  I am learning through therapy I don't know how to set boundaries or really even know what healthy ones are. I don't know how to stop pleasing or put myself first and it is hurting me mentally, I don't feel like I know who I am or what I am here for. Sometimes things feel so empty and I feel like I am missing my spark. 
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