marriage stress...no one to talk to. Long post.
I constantly have disagreements with my husband. Seems almost all feelings I share with him turn into some form of a disagreement. I often feel like I am the problem. He is not a bad person; he doesn't do bad things like lie or hurt me etc. He is an avoidant type. He buries emotions and I am emotional so we clash. Disagreements are often left unresolved.
I am so frustrated that every time I share any emotions or feelings that aren’t about sunshine and rainbows he gets defensive and can't take my words or even really listen to them and immediately gets upset at me and often says things like "apparently I always do this or that" or "I guess I am just angry all the time" or flips my feelings onto me and points out that I do those things too sometimes...I can't tell him that he is shifting blame because yet again he gets upset about that.
I have tried every approach, calm direct language and “we” statements and assured him I am not attacking etc but nothing changes his reactions. In fact, if I start with “please understand I am not attacking you but I would like to say something if you could listen (my therapist told me to say this) he will immediately sigh or his demeanor and body language will change because he knows it will be about him doing something wrong or at least I assume that is how he sees it.
I also end up confused in the middle of a lot of arguments. It is as if he hears something totally different coming from me than what I am actually saying and he then says something else and it totally confuses me so I have to ask what he means a lot and he gets frustrated explaining or talks to me like I am stupid like I just don’t get it or I am struggling to grasp my point because I am lost in what is actually being talked about and stuttering, it makes me look like I don’t know what I am actually talking about. Then I will say something about how that made me feel stupid or his tone being a certain way and he just doesn’t think he did anything wrong and usually says I am “reading too much into it” or “over thinking it” or being too sensitive or hearing it wrong. I am not sure if this is done on purpose, or maybe he just doesn’t realize or he is so set in his ways and he can’t see that he might be in the wrong? Also, I might mention that in 6 years he has apologized maybe a handful of times. He thinks his actions and words are intentional and has said that he wouldn’t do or say something it if he didn’t mean it so he rarely apologizes. I apologize too much, imagine that.
Communication between us is very poor. Clearly. Understanding of each other is very low. He is a man that would do anything for anyone, including me, and everyone thinks he is a great man...but...as my therapist says to me...but...
I know he probably sees himself as a huge failure when I bring an issue up and that is not what I want and I don't feel that way at all but I don’t like feeling like I should keep my mouth shut or bury my feelings to avoid upsetting him or "causing" a fight again...he dislikes fighting, dislikes disagreements and I know this cycle we are in is stressing him out too and I feel he is tiring of it.
He is a very rigid thinker, like his way or thought processes make sense to him more than yours does so that means his way is the only way and he will argue with anyone about it until they give up. Literally all his friends and family call him bull headed so this is well known. This is also an issue for my 16-year-old who never challenges him and walks on eggshells and feels he messes up all the time due to how my husband reacts over things, he is a tough love type and I am not, so naturally he feels I am responsible for my teens negative behaviors because I give in all the time and he is spoiled…I call it being kind and loving, but ok…
This resentment feeling boils and boils and some days I feel we can't get past this and we will never be truly happy together. Other days are better, like when we go out or something or when we are both in good moods.
Little back story...he lived with his parents until he was in his mid-30s and I was the first woman he got serious with. First woman he ever lived with. A lot of firsts with me. Before me he never took relationships seriously or would leave them quickly. He has been hurt as well. But so far, he is sticking with me even though I have these emotions he can’t seem to handle. He speaks about other relationships he witnesses or other women dating his friends who are “crazy” like he would be gone by now if it were him…when those women are similar to me. He had a reputation for being a womanizer before me which interestingly enough he despises his father for being the same way. He avoids his past and I know to some degree he is ashamed of some of it. I feel he never learned some pretty important skills to be in a serious relationship.
Lately he has also gotten on me about having friends so it takes some pressure off him to be my support system. I am 38 now, work full time and I am introverted big time. I live in a small town that he grew up in... surrounded by all these people that know him. I left all my friends back in another state when I moved to where I am now to be with him. Making friends is not easy for me at all but I feel like I am failing him by not having any. He thinks I am intentionally not making friends because I am not a big people person and I am not open to meeting others and choosing to be friendless. Not the case at all. He is not introverted so he has no clue that putting myself out there is pretty hard. Also, and please tell me if this is wrong to feel, I find it challenging to pick who I can look into for possible friendship since a lot of the women my age in this small town that I know of have been…well, with him...He thinks that is ridiculous of me to feel. What do you think?
Also, on that note he says this stuff to me about friends which would take some time away from him and my family…but also gets upset that I am not gung-ho into his interests as much as he is…to paint that picture he is a mechanic by trade and then he has projects he does outside of work. Lately he works all day, comes home and eats food I make then goes to his own shop and works on his projects until 10-11pm. I have gone out there from time to time to help but he gets upset that I don’t do it as much as he wants me to. Then he says the reason we don’t see each other is because I am not going out there because I know he is busy and has work to do, that me going to his shop to would solve that issue…this puts all the fault on me for not going rather than any at all on him for choosing to spend all his time out there working on his stuff. Am I in the wrong on this? I am so confused and I feel like I suck but I also feel he needs a partner that is basically his identical twin with the mentality or personality of a man with no emotions…
@bestMaple4303
First of all you don’t suck. You are not too much. Your emotions are not a burden. You're a person trying desperately to connect, to feel seen, heard, and valued in your relationship. That is not wrong. That is not unreasonable. That is not dramatic or “crazy.” That is human.
Reading everything you shared, I can feel how exhausted and emotionally drained you must be. You’ve been trying so hard choosing your words carefully, seeking therapy, showing patience, trying to reach him where he is. You’ve even twisted yourself in knots to avoid triggering defensiveness, and yet you're still left feeling misunderstood, blamed, and emotionally isolated. That is a deep kind of loneliness, especially when it’s coming from the one person who’s supposed to be your safe place.
It sounds like you’re constantly managing his emotions and yours and probably your teen’s too while no one is really holding space for yours. And that imbalance is not sustainable. You're not asking for grand romantic gestures or perfection you're just asking for someone to listen and not turn your feelings into a war zone.
Your husband may not be intentionally hurting you, but that doesn’t mean you’re not being hurt. Intent does not erase impact. And just because he’s “not a bad man” doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to want better communication, mutual empathy, and emotional safety in your relationship. You deserve that. Love should not feel like walking on eggshells.
You’ve shown tremendous self-awareness and insight in how you’ve described everything how you even understand where he might be coming from emotionally. That’s powerful, but also heartbreaking, because you’re doing all the emotional labor alone.
As for the friend thing no, it’s not ridiculous to feel uneasy trying to build friendships in a place where your partner has a past with many of the people around you. That’s a very human feeling. And him pushing you to build a support system while simultaneously acting territorial, dismissive, or controlling about how you feel… that’s not fair. It feels like he wants you to be less dependent on him emotionally, but only in ways that are convenient or don’t make him uncomfortable.
And this expectation that if you just spent more time in his shop, things would magically get better? That puts all the weight on you again. Relationships are a two-way street. It’s okay if you don’t share all of his interests you’re a whole person, not an extension of him.
You deserve partnership. You deserve to be met halfway. You deserve a relationship where your emotions aren’t seen as weapons, but as invitations to understand and grow together. It shouldn't feel like you’re constantly trying to convince someone to care better.
You're not broken. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not imagining things.
You are someone who loves deeply and feels fully , and that is something to be proud of not something to suppress for someone else’s comfort.
Please keep holding onto your truth, and keep trusting your gut. You’re not lost you’re just stuck in a place where you’re not being heard. That’s not on you.
And if you ever need to keep talking this out I’m right here.
@16peacefulBraveheart01 this comment made me tear up. It feels like a little weight is lifted knowing that someone can really see it, see me. I mean everything you said helped me to see the things I am feeling are valid and I am not this terrible wife to have who is constantly ruining his days with all my emotions. I wish he could see this too. It is draining. My spark has faded. It is also somewhat sad that a person who has never met me can see this deeply in a few paragraphs and my partner of 6 years can't when I am right in front of him. I tell myself often that I need to stop talking about my feelings but then I fight myself on that and say, no, I will not abandon myself anymore...which leads to these situations.
@bestMaple4303
You are not alone. Many are living in similar situation. People do not have to be a bad person that has nothing to do with his behavior. So many couples going through this look on outside that things fine.
I have lived this and it does not get better for many. I wish I had moved on or did more at your age. It has been a roller coaster for me. he gets better for a short time and then back to defecting etc... Make friends or connections for you. While he thinks it takes pressure off him .. He may find when you are having fun and enjoying yourself without him and NOT missing him he may wake up.
Some of the best friendships I have had were with others whom for some reason or another I had ruled out at first. If ladies in small town had previous dating/ short lived relationship with him .....that was year ago and people moved on. that may wake him up to you losing patience with your situation if you are friends with others who may actually have a perspective on him from another angle.
I did the friend thing ..... and he suddenly saw I no longer felt need to check on him or try to include myself in his interests. I was busy and did not include him. At this point we are roommates. I no longer play along with pretending happy couple for others.
I no longer suggest we do anything together and my spouse is trying to pay attention and frankly too little and too late.
Can you do things with your teen as well. The reality is after walking on eggshells and avoiding Dad.as a teen. When they become adults they no longer feel obligated to appease dad. 2 of my kids have zero to do with their dad because this. He misses out on seeing our kids and their lives and knows why. It is not too late to show him he will be an old man no one wants anything to do with.
Many couples talk/ argue but do not communicate.. that takes work and not being defensive. If he has not learned by now sadly he may not. mine told me he never learned but that is a lame excuse as he made huge strides once i showed him i was not waiting for him to be present and give a crap about my feelings.
The other poster covered many great points.
I think it is really brave for you to be open and honest with your feelings. I am in a similar situation with my husband. We’ve been together almost 7 years and our communication is horrible. I have worked on my communication and myself, but he never does. I have been on a self awareness and self healing journey for a couple of years and feel like we will never communicate well and our fights will continue to always escalate and end up being really hurtful.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope some day you can find peace in your marriage and begin the repairing and healing process.