bestPenguin3115 Member Profile

...See more Hey everyone, Thought maybe I could find some comfort and support here, because I am really struggling. I'll try to keep things brief; there are so many details and complications here that... it would take so long for me to get through them all... Anyway, four weeks ago, my first boyfriend broke up with me, after a two and half year long distance relationship. He was from London, me from Michigan. Things were wonderful those first two years, but then 2016 came along and it seems shit hit the fan for me too. As I said, I don't want to go into too much detail... there's so much to cover and all and I've spoken about it so much, it almost feels redundant. I know how it makes me feel and how that makes me feel is terrible and I don't kno wwhat to do or how to get past it. For the shortest version I can come up with, it's like my boyfriend broke up with me due to a combination of not wanting to deal with my struggles with depression and becasue he cares more about his friends and his favorite game than he does me. Really, thinking about it all, and when most of our disagreements and fights happened, it correlates to events and things for his game and it feels SO much like he dumped me so I would stop getting in the way of his beloved game. I was asking for too much of his attention I guess... I wanted him to actually set aside some time for us with no background distractions - like chats with his friends or his game - but that just didn't seem to be important to him. It all really makes me feel like trash... like I'm unimportant and useless and just no good enough. The entire breakup itself was so sudden that it sent me reeling and I don't know how to deal with it becasue I just don't understand it. He had asked for a break - notably during a big event for his game - and when I tried to ask him to talk to me about it, he just decided it was a good time to break it off. He didn't even give me the time of day to talk things out; he was too busy talking with his friends and settling things with his game and his projects that working out our relationship just didn't matter. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to be suffering any emotional fallout and when he broke up with me, he was so calm about it; it's like he was just throwing me away and wouldn't give me a good answer as to what had happened or why. He just said he had "drifted away" and no longer felt the way he used to, despite saying such flowery things as wanting to spend his life with me or us growing old together. It all makes me feel so terrible - I had been so accomodating to him and so supportive; all my plans I had was to somehow get me over there and with a job so we could be together. I was so willing to uproot myself from my home and family to be with him, because I believed in those things he told me he had wanted as well. And the more I think about it, the more it just feels like it's all my fault. I didn't get better well enough and I wasn't good enough compared to a game. He couldn't put in the time or effort or patience for me in the long run; it's like he rather just be with his game and his friends. I actually started to feel like the "other woman" to the game. It was always more important to him. And it REALLY makes me feel like trash. Like I'm not deserving or worth the love or effort. It hurts so much because I put so much into it. I feel like an idiot for caring and loving someone so much, just for them to "drift away" and give up on me, mainly becasue I'm not happy all the time and because I was asking him to give me more attention than his game. I just don't know what to do. I don't see a point in anything a lot of the time. Why bother? I tried so hard and I did everything right I thought, or at least tried my hardest to, and it just didn't matter. I feel so worthless and useless... I really feel like I'm so undeserving of such care that I would be better off dead. If he, who claimed he loved me SO much, couldn't be bothered to be patient with me while I tried to "fix" myself, then why would anyone else? I just feel like no one will ever want to put that time and effort in for me. I just don't feel worth it. I feel terrible, I feel worthless, I feel like trash. I'm trying really hard, but I'm struggling so much and I'm just not sure what to do.

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