Struggling, Not Sure What To Do
Hey everyone,
Thought maybe I could find some comfort and support here, because I am really struggling. I'll try to keep things brief; there are so many details and complications here that... it would take so long for me to get through them all...
Anyway, four weeks ago, my first boyfriend broke up with me, after a two and half year long distance relationship. He was from London, me from Michigan. Things were wonderful those first two years, but then 2016 came along and it seems shit hit the fan for me too.
As I said, I don't want to go into too much detail... there's so much to cover and all and I've spoken about it so much, it almost feels redundant. I know how it makes me feel and how that makes me feel is terrible and I don't kno wwhat to do or how to get past it.
For the shortest version I can come up with, it's like my boyfriend broke up with me due to a combination of not wanting to deal with my struggles with depression and becasue he cares more about his friends and his favorite game than he does me. Really, thinking about it all, and when most of our disagreements and fights happened, it correlates to events and things for his game and it feels SO much like he dumped me so I would stop getting in the way of his beloved game. I was asking for too much of his attention I guess... I wanted him to actually set aside some time for us with no background distractions - like chats with his friends or his game - but that just didn't seem to be important to him.
It all really makes me feel like trash... like I'm unimportant and useless and just no good enough. The entire breakup itself was so sudden that it sent me reeling and I don't know how to deal with it becasue I just don't understand it. He had asked for a break - notably during a big event for his game - and when I tried to ask him to talk to me about it, he just decided it was a good time to break it off. He didn't even give me the time of day to talk things out; he was too busy talking with his friends and settling things with his game and his projects that working out our relationship just didn't matter.
I just don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to be suffering any emotional fallout and when he broke up with me, he was so calm about it; it's like he was just throwing me away and wouldn't give me a good answer as to what had happened or why. He just said he had "drifted away" and no longer felt the way he used to, despite saying such flowery things as wanting to spend his life with me or us growing old together. It all makes me feel so terrible - I had been so accomodating to him and so supportive; all my plans I had was to somehow get me over there and with a job so we could be together. I was so willing to uproot myself from my home and family to be with him, because I believed in those things he told me he had wanted as well.
And the more I think about it, the more it just feels like it's all my fault. I didn't get better well enough and I wasn't good enough compared to a game. He couldn't put in the time or effort or patience for me in the long run; it's like he rather just be with his game and his friends. I actually started to feel like the "other woman" to the game. It was always more important to him.
And it REALLY makes me feel like trash. Like I'm not deserving or worth the love or effort. It hurts so much because I put so much into it. I feel like an idiot for caring and loving someone so much, just for them to "drift away" and give up on me, mainly becasue I'm not happy all the time and because I was asking him to give me more attention than his game.
I just don't know what to do. I don't see a point in anything a lot of the time. Why bother? I tried so hard and I did everything right I thought, or at least tried my hardest to, and it just didn't matter. I feel so worthless and useless... I really feel like I'm so undeserving of such care that I would be better off dead. If he, who claimed he loved me SO much, couldn't be bothered to be patient with me while I tried to "fix" myself, then why would anyone else? I just feel like no one will ever want to put that time and effort in for me. I just don't feel worth it. I feel terrible, I feel worthless, I feel like trash.
I'm trying really hard, but I'm struggling so much and I'm just not sure what to do.
@bestPenguin3115
If there were better words to try and comfort you, to somehow lessen the pain you're feeling, I'd say them. But the only words I have are that I'm sorry for the difficult time you're having with this and that I really hope you feel better soon. For what it's worth, I think the way your ex treated you was unfair and lacking in compassion. Maybe he really did make you happy. But you're better off this way because it would have only been a waste of time to try to convince him to be someone he didn't want to be anymore.
He was just a first boyfriend. Certainly not the last. And it might feel like you'll never be loved again. But how could that make sense if you've already known love? It's unlikely that you expected it, that you somehow earned it before you ever had it- it just happened and it felt good. You were worth loving before and so you are worth loving again- and next time by someone who will appreciate all the unique things about you that are beautiful and captivating. You're so close to despair because of this one ending when there's another beginning waiting for you if you want to find it. This broken heart will heal, not all at once, and in lengths of time that seem to stretch out forever, but eventually it will get better.
@ShadesBluer
Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying really hard to move past it; I do feel slightly better as the days go on, but whenever I get stuck in a thought cycle regarding it, I just feel so worthless...
It's like all the hard work and love I put into it didn't mean anything. I feel like a fool for caring and love so much for someone who didn't want to put the effort in for me in the end. It really hurts; it makes me feel like I'm really not worth the time or the effort and that I'm just too broken for someone else to want to deal with. My ex used to say how much he loved me and how much he wanted to be with me and that he would help and support me, but then he turns around and said that my being sad was too much for him.
Things were so nice there... I tried so hard to keep them that way and for us to move forward... But it just feels like I was too broken for it to matter.
I am trying to not think that way; I know I did all that I could, but it's just so hard. I'm just so afraid that no one else is going want to deal with me. I'm so afraid I'm just going to be alone and have to deal with it all myself again. It felt like such a miracle that he had come along and it feels like I just messed everything up by... being me.
@bestPenguin3115
Hi. I am sorry youre struggling. It sounds like you are really hurting. It also sounds like your ex really istn ready for a committed relationship. It sounds like he still wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it without considering the feelings of the person he is in a relationship with. Please try not to take this personally. It sounds like it has more to do with him and where he is at in life then you. It sounds like the only plan moving forward is to move on and create a new life for yourself. Easier said then done sometimes, but with time and healing you will make it. Please dont get stuck in thoughts of self blame, give yourself grace, we all have our own struggles.
@ali1112
Hey, thank you for responding.
And yeah, I understand that I guess. It's just so confusing, because he talked about wanting something more committed, more "forever". I thought he wanted to to move forward with it, so that's why I was so eager and involved to do something to make it happen. I spent so much time and energy trying to find a way to make things the way he kept saying he wanted them.
But when I started to actually go towards it, he seemed to get hesitant... Like he didn't really think I'd go for it or something even though I made it pretty clear that he did make me happy and I wanted the same things he did - to be together and all that.
I guess the other thing that hurts is, I became one of the things he talked about, but never really did. He did that a lot; talked about getting a new thing or doing something, but never really doing it. He even admitted he did that and really, I know everyone does. I didn't want to become one of those things that was just... a speculative thought. That's why I tried so hard and maybe why I was too agressive about it... I wanted to become a thing that actually happened before I became one that didn't, and I feel either A) worthless that I did become the thing I didn't want to be or B) upset that my eagerness to move things forward cause me to become the thing I didn't want to be.
I just wanted to be... as important to him as his games, you know? They were always super important to him. The game he likes the most was actually how we met; he was looking for someone to help him with a project related to it and that's how we started talking. But they always seemed to be his center of attention... He was always forgetting to do things he promised me to go play with his friends, he always made the time and effort to go to the big events or watch the events related to the game. But when I wanted to plan for a visit or just wanted him to spend a little time with me, over playing his game, it just seemed like a big hassle...
But it always seemed to be mixed messages with him. He would say I was more important than his games and friends one second, and the next, go off to play games with them when he had promised to help me with something earlier. It's like with the committed relationship thing - he used to say how much he needed me and wanted me to be with him forever. He used to make random comments pretaining to marriage, asking if I ever thought about getting married in a castle or "if you don't find a job over here soon, I guess we'll just have to get married", yet when I actually tried to talk to him more seriously about it, he got all uppity, saying those were all jokes and he wasn't ready for it.
It's just hard for me to deal with and I just don't know what is what anymore it feels like. People say it's not my fault and I know that it's not, but I still feel like it is, because I'm just used to being told flip-floppity things all the time... I just... I don't understand what I did wrong, even though everyone tells me I didn't do anything wrong, because even though I tried, he still broke up with me, because he just drifted away. I just don't get how, when he was saying such nice things before.
I just feel if he really meant them and felt that way, he wouldn't have just drifted away. More would've been done to fix things... And it just feels like its all my fault somehow... like I wasn't good enough really for any of the things he was saying, that I wasn't good enough to keep trying for...
I tried really hard to keep things together... to make him happy. I've been really hard too to get over my depession and I feel so bad that I still get sad and upset sometimes over really dumb things... I didn't want any of that to drive him away because of it... I just don't understand what I did wrong.
