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blueFarm9963
547 M Embraced 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceOctober 29, 2023
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Unhealthy relationship with food
Eating Disorder Support / by blueFarm9963
Last post
 January 16th, 2024
...See more My New Year’s resolution is to get myself to a healthy weight but I suffer with two challenges. The first being I’m an emotional eater and the next one being that I’m scared of food. I know my body needs it but I just feel scared to eat. I can’t help but count every calorie. If I even think I ate more than the calories I allow myself to eat then I won’t let myself eat nearly anything for a day or so. I can’t help but feel as if food is the enemy at times. I’ve never have had a healthy relationship with food. When I was younger it felt as if it was the only thing I had and it became this crutch but now I’m trying to work through that but I find myself on the opposite spectrum of completely not slowing myself to eat. I know I physically can but I just can’t get passed this mental barrier. I’ve barely eaten in the past 3-4 days. I literally probably only eat a small bowl of soup or a slice of pizza but I feel so guilty that I won’t allow myself to eat until the next day.
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Feeling Trapped
Depression Support / by blueFarm9963
Last post
 November 26th, 2023
...See more For just about a year now, I've felt increasing trapped in my circumstances. I'm quite aware that part of this is my fault. However, there's also so much thats simply out of my control. For starters, I'm a hard working student. This year alone I'm taking 5 AP classes and 1 college math class and participating in just about every after school activity I can in order to build an impressive academic resume. I'm my schools valedictorian and I do what so many people would consider to be a lot but it still never feels enough. Especially when considering that because of the area in which I live in, I have little to no access to actual meaningful and helpful programs that correlate with my future career. When I sit down and compare myself to those around me, I constantly feel that I'm so behind and aren't doing enough. I previously worked a job for two months but that's kinda it. Many of the places around me either don't want to hire me or won't pay me a decent wage. Getting payed less than $10 an hour is insane and I'm not leaving my house for that. My first ever job in fact, I was payed $7.25 an hour... despite this, I know every adult around me is looking at me expecting me to find another job and to finally get my license. I know these things are what's expected for someone my age to be doing but it doesn't make it any less stressful. I feel so much anxiety trying to drive a car, many people say that I'll get over the fear if I simply just do it but the thought of even trying to drive makes me panic and want to cry. Sometimes I just wish I was given a bit more patience and grace. I'm doing almost everything that's asked of me and yet what I'm not doing is the thing that I just can't seem to shake or let go of. On top of this, I want to do out of state college but have no access or resources to actual decent scholarships that would help cut down the cost. My parents think my academics is enough for many schools to consider giving me a full ride or close to one. However, I disagree, I'm just one of many valedictorians around the world, I'm not impressive or even that smart, I'm quite average in fact. There's no way that any school that I actually want to go to is gonna want to give me a good scholarship. I just don't feel enough or as if I'm doing enough, I feel like a failure and feel as if I'm failing myself and my parents. I'm not at all where I want to be in life and not in any aspect of my life. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother to try. I see people who don't even put any work with much more fulfilling and successful life's. There's so much more going on in my life but I just don't know how to express it, how to stop feeling so trapped and overwhelmed but most of all, useless. 
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