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braveSkies7153
8,965 M Pacing Forward
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts178 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2023 Member sinceMarch 24, 2019
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Trying to keep my marriage together. Can't communicate effectively with my wife.
Relationship Stress / by braveSkies7153
Last post
 April 1st, 2019
...See more First time poster, so I apologize if I didn't follow the rules. I also apologize for how longwinded this all is, but I wanted to construct the narrative as clearly as I can remember so I can provide adequate context. I am trying to save our marriage from further erroding. I want us to be in love again. I don't know if I can get it back though. I've been with my wife for about 8 years; 6 of them married. What initially drew me to her was her wit and her ability to challenge me. The fact that she was gorgeous didn't hurt either. She's very strong willed and angry at times. I attribute it to a long history of chronic migraines and ovarian cysts that plagued her for most of her adolescence. That definitely would make me pissed off at the world at times. We have two beautiful children that are 1.5 and 3 years old. Both of us adore them and try our best to be the best parents we can be. When we were pregnant with our first, we were under the impression that my Mother was going to assist in childcare (she volunteered without being asked). That way we could both keep our jobs. My wife is isanely smart and has a masters degree which we're still paying heavily for, but she always did best when she was in a work setting. However, my family decided to decline supporting us in the 11th hour and I was transitioning out of my job after a merger. Things were very stressful to say the least. I ended up getting a job that allowed us to live off of one income and she left her job after the birth of my first born. We agreed that was the smarter play. Unfortunately that job didn't pan out. We had relocated, but it didn't last past 30 days. We were living in my sister in law's unfinished basement while we were house hunting, but now it became an extended stay. They weren't particularly supportive either as they charged us rent and had little qualms about bursting in unnanounced to grab something from their pantry. Luckily I had negotiated a decent severance from my previous employer and was getting unemployment to sustain us. My wife's migraines came back with a vengance and was constantly debilitating her while she had our newborn child. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out my next job. We were arguing constantly. I'm not entirely sure about what. I think she was upset with our situation and blamed me for it. We were in that basement for 6 months. Eventually I got another job that required us to move to another state, far away from our support network. She was not happy about the relocation, but we needed to start making money again. I was miserable there. The objectives weren't clear and my boss was terrible. I would come home tired and upset and was met with an increasingly frustrated wife. We were down to one car because hers broke and she wasn't within walking distance anywhere. So she stayed home and watched TV and tended to our first born. Eventually I got another vehicle for us and had sold off some of my investments to get us ready for a down payment on a house (which is what she had been waiting for since the last job). Things were better for a bit. Then we found out she was pregnant again. We were elated, but also concerned about how she was going to manage while I was away. We had tried to get her in to see numerous specialists for her chronic migraines, but it didn't get anywhere. Then I found out that my current employer was looking to merge and my boss wasn't a fan of mine, so I started looking to not be caught off guard. This proved to be correct later as my counterparts all eventually got laid off. I found another job back in my home town. It paid quite well. And we would be closer to my family. We ended up staying with my parents for three months. My wife hated it because she didn't get along with my family and their dynamic. My Mom is very... delicate when it comes to becoming offended. And her constant religious music and inability to be depended upon made it difficult to be pregnant, with a small child. When my 2nd born was... well... born, things were particularly difficult at my parents house. My 20 something siblings were all still living at home and were not particularly understanding that playing the TV loud at 3 AM with a newborn upstairs was not a great idea. Then my wife and my mother got into an argument and essentially my mother wouldn't speak to us for days. And when it came time to 'pick sides', I hesitated because I figured we were in their space and I didn't want the rock the boat too much in case we needed a few more weeks. We moved out for some temporary housing that was alloted to me for a week from my relocation as a reprieve. We fought a lot during that time. All the while were were looking for a house. That too was a stressful process. But eventually we found a nice home that was a bit of a fixer-upper, but significantly undervalued. We figured we would fix it up and sell it for a nice profit when we were done with it. Once were were moved in, there was a brief releif as we had hit another milestone. We had our own place. Then my job got far more demanding. They essentially had me doing two people's job for the better part of a year without additional compensation or title. It stressed me out so bad. I wanted to quit, but was terrified about losing my job and defaulting on our mortage (funds were tighter for a while because we put down a 20% down payment). Or having to relocate just shortly after buying our first home. We also needed another car because one of ours had run it's course. I HAD to (in my mind) be super effective at work to ensure my family was taken care of financially. Well I didn't do a great job of compartmentalizing it. I'll wholly admit. I was so stressed and worn out when I got home I just wanted to vent to a sympathetic ear. And for a time, my wife was supportive. But it wore thin quickly. She sat me down one night and had explained that I needed to create appropriate boundaries at work so I could be present with the family. She also wanted me to take anti-depressants again (I had tried briefly once before, but didn't think they did much). It was a difficult talk, but I started to change some unhealthy habits. I made sure I was home to put my kids to bed and read them a bedtime story the overwhelming majority of the time. This gave my wife a reprieve from the chaos of two small children for a bit. It wasn't without consequence at work though because my reduced output now made my supervisors view me as dropping the ball even though I had repeatedly tried to show how one person wasn't sufficient for what was required of the job. Things were better for a while. We got a nice minivan, new appliances, and I was home more often. But then my wife started to drift away from me. I didn't recognize it early enough, but when I finally confronted her on it, she told me that she didn't have the time to pursue the projects she wanted to or go back to work. I hadn't been doing my fair share of the household chores. I apologized and said I'd do better, but I didn't. I just wasn't in the right headspace to do it. Things got worse. We started to have more intense fights of my insensitive nature (according to her). She was also mad that I lied to her about dumb things like taking out the trash (which I would intend to do later, I just didn't want to be nagged). Things became less about the situation and me as a person. I started getting angry and hurt. I would push back citing I was working hard to provide a comfortable lifestyle and she needed to cut me some slack. Then these arguments would culminate with her threatening divorce which immediately shut me down. I was terrified of her leaving me. What it would do to our kids. I would immediately shut up and beg for forgiveness. This unhealthy cycle would continue for a few months more. Intimacy would become even less frequent. Even just hand holding or flirtation essentially stopped. We would have the arguments, I would claim I was doing better, she'd threaten divorce, and I'd try super hard to do what I could to make things better. Then I started realizing that I had a relatively unhealthy co-depency on her. Threatening divorce is nuclear option that should never be repeated. Yet it was frequent. And while I would strive to get up early and take care of chores before work and be home at a reasonable hour to relieve her of child duty so she could take a bath. Or work remotely when she got another migraine and be working and parenting (not effectively) at the same time. None of these things seemed to be making her happier. I discussed love languages and what I needed from her. I was speaking to hers (acts of service). She claimed she would do better, but it hasn't really been better. Then one day she threatened it again, and I calmy said that I wanted us to see a couples counselor. Clearly we weren't communicating well and working well together. She got insanely mad. Said I always made it about her. I needed to shape up. I needed to do better. I was the cause of the problems. I insisted. She said I could go, but she wouldn't. One weekend while she was out of town I was able to text her how frustrated I was that we weren't effectively communicating. That I wanted us to be closer again and be a good example of how our kids would treat their significant others one day. I wanted counseling. She hemmed and hawed, then eventually conceeded to looking at some options. She also claimed that she would try to be more affectionate. But in the interim she wanted me to provide her 3 nights a week where she was off of kid duty when I got home so she could work on writing her book or work on a home project. She also wanted us to start going to the gym regularly. I agreed, but I didn't get a solid set of time. I've been going to the gym and relieving her of kid duties. I've been trying to keep the house as clean as I can. Doing the dishes and laundry (which she abhores). I'm taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Not talking as much about work. Trying to be present. Honestly, it's exhausting. But when it comes to pushing on her to follow through with some of her comittments, she gets angry and claims I always try to blame someone else for my problems. She gaslights. Then that threat of divorce comes up again. I know it's becomming harder to conceal what I interpret as growing contempt. Our first born commented on how much "Mommy yells at you" and asked "does Mommy love you?". That really killed me. I feel like I can't get her to get out of this space she's in. I know her migraines have been debilitating and well as her ovarian issues. I know she feels unfulfilled intellectually at home. I try to show affection and I try to do everything I can to make her happy. But I think she just inherrently resents me now. And I worry that she's being cold and distant to force me into going through with a divorce. Forcing me to get her out because she doesn't feel she has reason to. I can't talk to her about it. I feel very isolated. And I want love. I still love her. I don't want to break up our family. But I can't get her to talk honestly with me without getting defensive. I would appreciate any advice anyone may have. Thanks
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