Trying to keep my marriage together. Can't communicate effectively with my wife.

@braveSkies7153

First time poster, so I apologize if I didn't follow the rules.

I also apologize for how longwinded this all is, but I wanted to construct the narrative as clearly as I can remember so I can provide adequate context. (Thank you for such a detailed post, this must have been such a difficult one to write.)

I am trying to save our marriage from further erroding. I want us to be in love again. I don't know if I can get it back though. (You can but whether you will depends on whether she wants the same too. )

I've been with my wife for about 8 years; 6 of them married. What initially drew me to her was her wit and her ability to challenge me. The fact that she was gorgeous didn't hurt either. She's very strong willed and angry at times. I attribute it to a long history of chronic migraines and ovarian cysts that plagued her for most of her adolescence. That definitely would make me pissed off at the world at times. (This shows that she is intelligent, opinionated, cares about how she looks and over the years has learnt to cope with physical pain/discomfort.)

We have two beautiful children that are 1.5 and 3 years old. Both of us adore them and try our best to be the best parents we can be. When we were pregnant with our first, we were under the impression that my Mother was going to assist in childcare (she volunteered without being asked). That way we could both keep our jobs. My wife is isanely smart and has a masters degree which we're still paying heavily for, but she always did best when she was in a work setting. (This is a very important aspect of understanding her happy quotient dependencies) However, my family decided to decline supporting us in the 11th hour (This is betrayal from your family, whom she trusted because of her relationship with you, and she might at that point choose to connect the betrayal with you) and I was transitioning out of my job after a merger.

Things were very stressful to say the least. I ended up getting a job that allowed us to live off of one income and she left her job after the birth of my first born. We agreed that was the smarter play. (It might have been financially smarter at the time, but the immense human cost of her happiness, contentment, aspiration, satisfaction with life, peace in the marriage were not factored into calculations. Essentially your mother's unpredictable behaviour and betrayal caused your wife to suddenly make an unplanned sacrifice. Was this fact acknowledged and considered in your appreciation of her sacrifice? Sometimes just acknowledging acts of love can make it better)

Unfortunately that job didn't pan out. We had relocated, but it didn't last past 30 days. We were living in my sister in law's unfinished basement while we were house hunting, but now it became an extended stay. They weren't particularly supportive either as they charged us rent and had little qualms about bursting in unnanounced to grab something from their pantry. (Again, you were taking help from your family and their behaviour did nothing to strengthen bonds. You both did the best you could under the circumstances but when it's your family, the usual thing is for you to step up to sort issues rather than her) Luckily I had negotiated a decent severance from my previous employer and was getting unemployment to sustain us.

My wife's migraines came back with a vengance and was constantly debilitating her while she had our newborn child. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out my next job. We were arguing constantly. I'm not entirely sure about what. I think she was upset with our situation and blamed me for it. (Perhaps by now, she has realised that her needs personally and professionally are not anywhere near the top priorities for the family. Sometimes you can't do anything immediately about things, but talking about them and acknowledging that something needs to be done, that it's on your mind and agenda can help alleviate the insecurity and disappointment) We were in that basement for 6 months.

Eventually I got another job that required us to move to another state, far away from our support network. She was not happy about the relocation, but we needed to start making money again. (So this was a known unhappy situation that you both took because it was the best option at the time based upon both your priorities. You had both accepted the unhappy move for the money) I was miserable there. The objectives weren't clear and my boss was terrible. I would come home tired and upset and was met with an increasingly frustrated wife. (Having a known situation, once your immediate need of making money was being taken care of, perhaps she wanted her needs to be thought of next, rather than optimal work situations for you. So far in this entire narrative, her priorities are not mentioned even once except for the fact that she had given it all up suddenly because it made financial sense when your mother backed out of an agreement at the last moment. If you look at the context I'm stating, perhaps it will help you understand her transition from that witty gorgeous intelligent smart charmer to the resentful disconnected wife) We were down to one car because hers broke and she wasn't within walking distance anywhere. So she stayed home and watched TV and tended to our first born.

Eventually I got another vehicle for us and had sold off some of my investments to get us ready for a down payment on a house (which is what she had been waiting for since the last job). (This shows she has not even mentioned going back to work because it was assumed for her being home and away from the atmosphere where you said she was best.) Things were better for a bit. Then we found out she was pregnant again. We were elated, but also concerned about how she was going to manage while I was away. We had tried to get her in to see numerous specialists for her chronic migraines, but it didn't get anywhere.

Then I found out that my current employer was looking to merge and my boss wasn't a fan of mine, so I started looking to not be caught off guard. This proved to be correct later as my counterparts all eventually got laid off. I found another job back in my home town. It paid quite well. And we would be closer to my family. (Was this her desire as well to be closer to your family?)

We ended up staying with my parents for three months. My wife hated it because she didn't get along with my family and their dynamic. My Mom is very... delicate when it comes to becoming offended. And her constant religious music and inability to be depended upon made it difficult to be pregnant, with a small child.

When my 2nd born was... well... born, things were particularly difficult at my parents house. My 20 something siblings were all still living at home and were not particularly understanding that playing the TV loud at 3 AM with a newborn upstairs was not a great idea. Then my wife and my mother got into an argument and essentially my mother wouldn't speak to us for days. And when it came time to 'pick sides', I hesitated because I figured we were in their space and I didn't want the rock the boat too much in case we needed a few more weeks. (I understand your difficult financial situation but it put a lot of additional stress and put your wife in impossible situations. Was this ever talked about? The fact that she has had to go so many extra miles because of the difficult financial situation?) We moved out for some temporary housing that was alloted to me for a week from my relocation as a reprieve. We fought a lot during that time. (I'm hearing the increasing lack of mutual respect. Lack of affection, lack of trust that your partner has your best interests at heart and the lack of the bond where you feel you can share all your troubles because your partner wants to listen. All of this is missing by this stage)

All the while were were looking for a house. That too was a stressful process. But eventually we found a nice home that was a bit of a fixer-upper, but significantly undervalued. We figured we would fix it up and sell it for a nice profit when we were done with it. Once were were moved in, there was a brief releif as we had hit another milestone. We had our own place. (This was another great opportunity missed as a couple where you had a moment of breathing space and might have focused on her personal or professional needs for that moment)

Then my job got far more demanding. They essentially had me doing two people's job for the better part of a year without additional compensation or title. It stressed me out so bad. I wanted to quit, but was terrified about losing my job and defaulting on our mortage (By this time if she had been given some space to find work it might have helped your family finances too, and helped take some of the pressure off of you) (funds were tighter for a while because we put down a 20% down payment). Or having to relocate just shortly after buying our first home. We also needed another car because one of ours had run it's course. I HAD to (in my mind) be super effective at work to ensure my family was taken care of financially. (There was another choice. To allow her fair space to do what she did best, which is work.)

Well I didn't do a great job of compartmentalizing it. I'll wholly admit. I was so stressed and worn out when I got home I just wanted to vent to a sympathetic ear. And for a time, my wife was supportive. (This proves that she loves you insanely even until this point because despite all her personal, physical and professional challenges, she wants to put you first every time. She has zero expectations of fairness from you or your family and wants to make life better for you) But it wore thin quickly. She sat me down one night and had explained that I needed to create appropriate boundaries at work so I could be present with the family. (This is where she has realised you are not going to see her needs beyond your own, so she still wants to give you the chance to fix what went wrong. She is now clearly expressing her needs in a way that you can understand and does not wait for you to see that balls have been dropped) She also wanted me to take anti-depressants again (I had tried briefly once before, but didn't think they did much).

It was a difficult talk, but I started to change some unhealthy habits. I made sure I was home to put my kids to bed and read them a bedtime story the overwhelming majority of the time. This gave my wife a reprieve from the chaos of two small children for a bit. It wasn't without consequence at work though because my reduced output now made my supervisors view me as dropping the ball even though I had repeatedly tried to show how one person wasn't sufficient for what was required of the job.

Things were better for a while. We got a nice minivan, new appliances, and I was home more often. But then my wife started to drift away from me. (She is probably seeing that you are complying with expressed demands but still are not making the effort to actively understand her needs) I didn't recognize it early enough, but when I finally confronted her on it, she told me that she didn't have the time to pursue the projects she wanted to or go back to work. (Again here she has expressed further, her needs that have been neglected all these years while she waited patiently) I hadn't been doing my fair share of the household chores. I apologized and said I'd do better, but I didn't. I just wasn't in the right headspace to do it. Things got worse. (This probably made her give up on trying to communicate her needs or get them addressed by a person too involved in their own issues to think about her situation)

We started to have more intense fights of my insensitive nature (according to her). (Now as you can see, the fight is no longer about issues or situations, it has become personal) She was also mad that I lied to her about dumb things like taking out the trash (which I would intend to do later, I just didn't want to be nagged). Things became less about the situation and me as a person. I started getting angry and hurt. (By now she is probably done trying to deal with issues and wants to provoke you into showing her your worst so that she can find reason to end this unhappiness) I would push back citing I was working hard to provide a comfortable lifestyle and she needed to cut me some slack. Then these arguments would culminate with her threatening divorce which immediately shut me down. (It's only a threat if you believe she didn't mean it. If she would have followed through, it's not a threat just an option offered) I was terrified of her leaving me. What it would do to our kids. I would immediately shut up and beg for forgiveness.

This unhealthy cycle would continue for a few months more. Intimacy would become even less frequent. Even just hand holding or flirtation essentially stopped. We would have the arguments, I would claim I was doing better, she'd threaten divorce (she probably doesn't want to go into detailed discussions any more and is using this keyword to gain compliance), and I'd try super hard to do what I could to make things better.

Then I started realizing that I had a relatively unhealthy co-depency on her. Threatening divorce is nuclear option that should never be repeated. Yet it was frequent. (This needs serious thought. Was she intending to follow through or did she say it just to make you do whatever she needed doing? Or did you know she meant it and temporarily changed behaviour to prevent this happening? so when the promised change fell through she had to revert back to the original offer since the counter offer fell apart?) And while I would strive to get up early and take care of chores before work and be home at a reasonable hour to relieve her of child duty so she could take a bath. Or work remotely when she got another migraine and be working and parenting (not effectively) at the same time. None of these things seemed to be making her happier. I discussed love languages and what I needed from her. I was speaking to hers (acts of service). She claimed she would do better, but it hasn't really been better. (Has she emotionally checked out of the marriage?)

Then one day she threatened it again, and I calmy said that I wanted us to see a couples counselor. Clearly we weren't communicating well and working well together. She got insanely mad. Said I always made it about her. I needed to shape up. I needed to do better. I was the cause of the problems. I insisted. She said I could go, but she wouldn't. (She has decided to make this personal and maybe solving issues isn't what she wants. Going to a counsellor is supposed to address issues and help solve them as a couple. At this stage it looks like she prefers to personally attack you instead.)

One weekend while she was out of town I was able to text her how frustrated I was that we weren't effectively communicating. That I wanted us to be closer again and be a good example of how our kids would treat their significant others one day. I wanted counseling. She hemmed and hawed, then eventually conceeded to looking at some options. She also claimed that she would try to be more affectionate. But in the interim she wanted me to provide her 3 nights a week where she was off of kid duty when I got home so she could work on writing her book or work on a home project. She also wanted us to start going to the gym regularly. I agreed, but I didn't get a solid set of time. (This is really good, you're both making the effort to listen to each other and to express your own needs. It shows all is not lost, there is hope and at least as of this point, the motivation to stay or leave is only dependant on your relationship. There is no external factor or person influencing this decision)

I've been going to the gym and relieving her of kid duties. I've been trying to keep the house as clean as I can. Doing the dishes and laundry (which she abhores). I'm taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Not talking as much about work. Trying to be present. Honestly, it's exhausting. (You have taken note of what she asked for, you are going over and beyond to provide it even if it feels unfair to you. This is your way of showing your commitment to fixing things in your marriage. To find common ground to build it back.)

But when it comes to pushing on her to follow through with some of her comittments, she gets angry and claims I always try to blame someone else for my problems. She gaslights. Then that threat of divorce comes up again. I know it's becomming harder to conceal what I interpret as growing contempt. Our first born commented on how much "Mommy yells at you" and asked "does Mommy love you?". That really killed me. (This is her showing you that she is not invested in working towards building back what you had. She has the easy option of the keyword divorce to get one sided, unreasonable demands met without keeping her end of the deal. She still uses this situation to attack you personally and does it in front of the kids, which is unacceptable.)

I feel like I can't get her to get out of this space she's in. I know her migraines have been debilitating and well as her ovarian issues. I know she feels unfulfilled intellectually at home. I try to show affection and I try to do everything I can to make her happy. But I think she just inherrently resents me now. And I worry that she's being cold and distant to force me into going through with a divorce. Forcing me to get her out because she doesn't feel she has reason to.

I can't talk to her about it. I feel very isolated. And I want love. I still love her. I don't want to break up our family. But I can't get her to talk honestly with me without getting defensive.

(I think the first thing might be to understand whether she is using divorce against you repeatedly because she has caught on to your weakness, or whether she really wants out. Without temper, calmly, when she next mentions it, it needs to be called out. Ask if she really wants it and what her plans are. Regarding money, house, kids, everything. The more detailed your questions, the more her answers would show you whether she is serious and has made plans. If she is lost on the answers then it is merely a threat being used against you. Once you understand the reasoning behind it you will be better able to know how to deal with the situation)

I would appreciate any advice anyone may have.
(I wish you well, it is commendable that you are fighting so hard to keep your marriage and love together. Please feel free to share any further thoughts and I'll respond as best as I can)

So things have been somewhat improved. Still very little in terms of genuine affection. Everything is just very business-like transaction. We discuss what needs to be accomplished. We dote on our children. I take the kids the majority of the time when I get home. It's been really trying with work and now classes I am taking to improve my work credentials. But I've been hitting the gym, cleaning, and taking care of business at home.

I have been leaving little handwritten notes around the house, in her purse, in the car. Each one of them has a note about love or a fond memory of us. So far it's gotten what I would describe as the thanks one would give if they received a birthday card with no gift with it. These were the gestures she used to love when we were a young couple.

I want to ask for a little acknowledgement in terms of an unprompted hug and a thank you, but asking for it seems counterintuitive. And quite frankly, I would expect a lecture on how you don't always get thanks for doing the right thing.

It hurts. All I want now is to not be taken for granted. Maybe she felt that way in the past. But I can't ignore these intense feelings of wanting to explain my hurt and demand some consideration. Of course, I know this would be a foolish endeavor. So I've been channeling the energy into something productive if I can.

Some days it's easier than others, but I figure if her conditions were we 'work on ourselves' before attempting therapy, then funneling all that frustration and converting it into being more productive around the house, working out, and spending one on one time with my kids would check that box. And then after a few months of noticeable positive changes, I can say that I've taken her view into account. However, I do expect there will be resistance and 'moving of the goalposts' as it were.

I keep on coming back to this thought that if in the next year we don't start working on being a closer couple again, I'll consider forcing the issue. I don't want to walk on eggshells for the remainder of my life. And quite frankly I think her projections of her frustrations and anger on me are unfair, especially if we can't discuss it as equal partners in the marriage.

Is my attempts to convert those negative feelings into something a smart coping mechanism?