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carefulBirch9798
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2026 Member sinceMarch 17, 2026
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All the small things but none of the big
Relationship Stress / by carefulBirch9798
Last post
 March 17th
...See more I read all time that it’s all the small things in a relationship that matter. But what if your husband does lots of the small things but has never been interested in any of the big ones?  Example: cooks dinner all the time, but I have to do all the household repairs and upkeep including the yard work.  Remembers flowers in all the holidays and brings me snacks and treats all the time, but we have a nearly non- sexual relationship. I am almost never touched, kissed or perused- for 20 years or more.But he swears he’s not gay. I sort of wonder if I married an asexual that didn’t know he was asexual.  He helps to clean - only if I ask- but I am the one that makes sure everything is done, including  locking the doors at night. He just goes to bed whenever he gets tired  and I close up the house. doesn't even take out trash, and up until recently I’ve made 3 times what he does in income for our whole relationship.  He is kind , patient and gentle and when the kids were small he was an amazing hands on caregiver sharing in all child care work. But now he’s hardly even ‘palpably alive’ , ‘like a bowl of vanilla flavored air and ice’ and I am loud and passionate and feel like I’m starving or living with a ghost.  I’m tired of being the architect, author, funding, designer, vision, operator and execution for our whole life. And we have 5 teenage - adult children to parent.  And yes we have talked about all of these things at length. Over and over. He just stares at me blankly and says ‘I don’t know’, ‘ I’ll do better’. Agrees to therapy and then won’t go. Tried it.  Usually immediately after confrontation he spends time convincing our grown kids that I’m an f’ing unhinged psycho- but I won’t tell them the things about their father they don’t need to know. I just look exhausted and crazy and he looks pleasant and gentle. what am I doing wrong? What did I do wrong?
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