All the small things but none of the big
I read all time that it’s all the small things in a relationship that matter. But what if your husband does lots of the small things but has never been interested in any of the big ones?
Example: cooks dinner all the time, but I have to do all the household repairs and upkeep including the yard work.
Remembers flowers in all the holidays and brings me snacks and treats all the time, but we have a nearly non- sexual relationship. I am almost never touched, kissed or perused- for 20 years or more.But he swears he’s not gay. I sort of wonder if I married an asexual that didn’t know he was asexual.
He helps to clean - only if I ask- but I am the one that makes sure everything is done, including locking the doors at night. He just goes to bed whenever he gets tired and I close up the house.
doesn't even take out trash, and up until recently I’ve made 3 times what he does in income for our whole relationship.
He is kind , patient and gentle and when the kids were small he was an amazing hands on caregiver sharing in all child care work. But now he’s hardly even ‘palpably alive’ , ‘like a bowl of vanilla flavored air and ice’ and I am loud and passionate and feel like I’m starving or living with a ghost.
I’m tired of being the architect, author, funding, designer, vision, operator and execution for our whole life. And we have 5 teenage - adult children to parent.
And yes we have talked about all of these things at length. Over and over. He just stares at me blankly and says
‘I don’t know’, ‘ I’ll do better’. Agrees to therapy and then won’t go. Tried it.
Usually immediately after confrontation he spends time convincing our grown kids that I’m an f’ing unhinged psycho- but I won’t tell them the things about their father they don’t need to know. I just look exhausted and crazy and he looks pleasant and gentle.
what am I doing wrong? What did I do wrong?
@carefulBirch9798
You did nothing wrong. You are not alone. You are not having your needs met and you still want and need physical affection. You are talking with him but not communicating. The " I will try better" or nodding is infuriating as we know it is just to placate us. Counseling will only work if both are willing participants. Like going to a gym but only sitting on a bench does not help.
When we speak of the small things it is the small things we need or desire.... Not what they want to give. Mine buys me things he says are my favorite that are his fav not mine.
Mine, his Help is not worth it, if I need to fix it or redo it. Mine has time off so he says he will cook ... I am starving because most is inedible. Never paid attention to where we keep things and then make a mess or goes and buys new ended up 4 jars of a specific seasoning.
Find a way to reach him no distractions and ask point blank what you want to know. I used the "I feel" statements to good effect that way it was not accusing but just how I felt and they have a hard time trying to turn it on me do tell me how I feel was wrong.
As we get older some may claim asexual but maybe a hormone unbalance. That is why there is a whole industry of medications or supplements to "help". Mine barely touches me or hugs thinking I would want more and he is unable to deliver. age and specific medication have made us permanent roommates.
Grown kids are not something you need to put on an act for. You do not need to let them hear him make jokes or talk and then play nice... he opened that door. I told mine exactly what was wrong in our marriage because I was tired of being portrayed as the hostile or crazy one.
My mom hid things from us about my parents' life. I wish when we were grown, we knew would have made our relationship better. Finding out after she was gone made me bitter that we could have gotten along and understood each other so much better.