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carpenter83
1 2,545 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts207 Forum posts44 Forum upvotes142 Current upvotes142 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceFebruary 27, 2022
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Still standing... still breathing.

Recent forum posts
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Loneliness is a terrible feeling
General Support / by carpenter83
Last post
 February 14th
...See more I've never felt this lonely in my entire life, and I will say that loneliness is a straight up horrible feeling. The feeling of knowing you have not one person to turn to if you need someone, is heartbreaking. I used to have quite a few really good friends, but they turned away from me when times got rough. Any relationship I've had since my ex wife and I split 3 years ago hasn't lasted long, they all leave once they hear my story. Im not so good at being alone, I get I my own head and that's not my favorite place to be, so I turn to the only friends that never turned on my... alcohol and drugs. I know it's wrong, but when I'm alone, I can't help it, it's the only coping mechanism I've ever known.
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Positive Post
35 & Over Community / by carpenter83
Last post
 June 27th, 2024
...See more Over the last 3-4 years I've posted to 7cups plenty of times looking for support, whether it was about my mother's death, the traumatic car accident, or the slow painful crumbling of my marriage. I always found great listeners and amazing groups full of people willing to listen or give advice. The last 4 years have been a struggle to say the least and I was a the point of just thinking that maybe happiness just want in my future. And my sadness was bleeding onto all other aspects of my life. Once I was finally able to stand up and say how I felt and tell my ex wife that I was no longer going to endure her verbal abuse and just wanted to be happy and I knew that was never going to be with her again. She sometimes forgets it was her infidelity that caused the rift and broke this family apart, I never claimed to be innocent in that, obviously she wouldn't have done that had she been happy in the marriage, but I also never cheated on her I couldn't. And after being alone for some time I began thinking that I would never find anyone. Then, then I found someone. I found someone that I was beginning to believe just didn't exist. Someone that makes me feel incredibly special, happy, and excited every time we are together. Even the concept of dating someone was so foreign to me (I was with my ex since high school. 19 yrs) I started talking a woman on a dating app who lives my hometown that I'd never met before. We texted back and forth for 5 weeks getting to know each other. I honestly don't think I could have more in common with a person, ever. Text sessions would last 6 hours, all night text sessions. I couldn't believe someone so amazing would even give me a chance in ***. Well she did, and I'm so lucky she did. She is bringing me back to me, slowly bring the old me back out. I'm happier than I might have ever been in my life. I guess I wanted to make this post because I think I've only ever posted about my pain, my trauma, all the bad *** that was happening to me. I wanted to make a post thanking the 7cups community for always being there for me, I honestly am not sure I would have made it through the last 4 years without you all. And I wanna say to anyone who thinks happiness isn't attainable in their life, or who feels so low they may never get back up... don't ever give up. Keep your head up and know that happiness is out there. It may take awhile to find you, but it will. And until it does know that 7cups will always be there to help you through the hard times. Thank you 7cups communities and listeners you have no idea how much you helped me get through it all. You're all amazing.
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Mothers day is possibly the hardest day of the year
Grief & Loss / by carpenter83
Last post
 May 6th, 2024
...See more 21 years. 21 mothers days. 21 birthdays. 21 Christmas. 21 years my mom's been gone and it's still hurts. I think about her everyday. But these days, the special days are always the hardest. And I know it's probably childish and immature but I get angry and kind of *** off when I see people buying mothers day cards and gifts and flowers. It really comes down to the fact I'm jealous and envies that they have a mother to be with. I'll do what I always do tomorrow, tearfully write my mom a letter saying how much I miss her, need her, and tell her how great of a grandmother she would be and how proud she'd be of her grand daughters. Then I'll go to the cemetery, clean up her headstone and the surrounding area and I'll dig a little hole and bury the letter. To everyone who has lost their mother, especially those who lost theirs way to young like myself, I feel your pain.
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Why do I still have these feelings?
Grief & Loss / by carpenter83
Last post
 April 27th, 2024
...See more Why has it never gotten easier? Why am I still so sad and angry? My mother passed away when I was 20 years old, I'm now 41 and I still feel all the sadness and anger I did then, maybe even more. My mom got sick when I was 16 and I watched her slowly die in front of my eyes for 4 years. I held her hand as she took her last breath and it's a moment I can still see so vividly in my mind. I had basically no support as my dad was trying to find a new girlfriend and my brother went to live with my aunt. The support I had came in the form of drugs and alcohol. It was the worst decision I ever made. For 10 years after she passed life was a blur of bars, parties, girls, whatever I could do to numb the pain and try to fill the void I had from losing her. She was an angel of a woman. Honestly there were times I just thought it would be easier to be with her, wherever that is, at least then I would feel the way I did. Now I'm.so emotionally *** up, I don't know if I even have feelings, I feel like I have no emotions, no feelings. I don't know what to do. Am I just gonna be this "robot" forever? I'm so *** up and I don't know what to do or where to turn.
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No one is there for you
General Support / by carpenter83
Last post
 April 10th, 2024
...See more Why is it that I try so hard to be there for any friends and family that need me with whatever they need. Drop everything on a dime to help to be there, but when I'm down and I need help and I'm suffering and I reach out they're all too busy or just completely ignore me? Is that how friendships are supposed to work is that how family works? Feels a little one-sided to me and as much as I would like to say no next time I get those calls I know I won't because I'm a sucker I guess. Nice to know who's there for you.
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Who am I without the sadness?
Trauma Support / by carpenter83
Last post
 March 4th, 2024
...See more I'll start with saying that I've lived with trauma most of my life. When I was 15 my mother got sick and I had to watch her condition slowly worsen till her eventual death March. 14 2003 when I was 20. I still feel emense guilt about how I handled her sickness and her death. I just drank and drugged the pain into non existence and did that for 10 years. When my first daughter was born I was so happy, I was clean for the first time in forever. Then the anger came on, the anger that my mother who was a angel on earth, no word of a lie she never drank, smoked, nothing. She was the most gentle person. The fact that she would never know my daughter and my daughter would never know her angered me greatly. Although I found joy in my daughter the anger and sadness was always there. And I relapsed a few times over the years trying to numb it again. And then I found out my wife and partner of 18 years had cheated on me and it destroyed me soul. I felt broken beyond repair. We stayed together trying to work through it, and during this time I had a car accident. Iit was July 4th around 1030pm and that's when I guy, a pedestrian about the same age as me decided he was gonna use me and my 2005 Honda Civic to commit suicide and he lunged from the bushes... I hit him doing about 45km/h. In a split second he was up, almost through the windshield and then on the ground laying beside my car. Move forward a couple years, I'm still dealing with all this trauma and my wife and I have finally said, this is enough and have separated. Now I've met someone online who makes me incredibly happy but I feel like I don't deserve this happiness, and I'm scared in a way because I don't even know who this happy person is. It like I can't even accept the happiness life is showing me because I've never known a happy me since I was 15 and I'm 41. Who is happy me at 41? I just have a lot going on in my mind and I've regressed into a bad pattern of self harm in some sick way of punishing myself for being happy. Whoa that was a lot. I'm just needed to get that out.
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Why did it happen to me?
35 & Over Community / by carpenter83
Last post
 June 25th, 2023
...See more [Trigger Warning: Mentions of Ending Life] Why did that guy choose my car to jump in front of? Why did I have to be driving down that street at that time? He could have chosen any other way to try and kill himself, instead he figured he'd take down someone with him. That someone was me. I've always had it kind of hard, dealt with trauma in my past but was always decent at keeping those bad feelings and thoughts tucked away, but when that guy jumped in front of my car, it did something to me, unlocked something in me from down deep and now I can't put it back. I *** hate him for this! WHY ME? WHY MY CAR? WHY THAT NIGHT? THERE IS NO LESSON, NO MORAL TO THE STORY, JUST PAIN AND ANGER AND SUFFERING. [Edited by Forum Moderator @SuryanshSingh to include Trigger Warning]
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