Mothers day is possibly the hardest day of the year
21 years. 21 mothers days. 21 birthdays. 21 Christmas.
21 years my mom's been gone and it's still hurts. I think about her everyday. But these days, the special days are always the hardest. And I know it's probably childish and immature but I get angry and kind of *** off when I see people buying mothers day cards and gifts and flowers. It really comes down to the fact I'm jealous and envies that they have a mother to be with. I'll do what I always do tomorrow, tearfully write my mom a letter saying how much I miss her, need her, and tell her how great of a grandmother she would be and how proud she'd be of her grand daughters. Then I'll go to the cemetery, clean up her headstone and the surrounding area and I'll dig a little hole and bury the letter.
To everyone who has lost their mother, especially those who lost theirs way to young like myself, I feel your pain.
@carpenter83 that's really sad 😢 I'm so sorry sweetie 😥 I bet she's in heaven watching over you and her granddaughter s. Holidays are always the hardest time, it's ok to feel angry, jealous, envious, and any other feelings that come with it. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤squeezes you tightly ❤❤ I know it's hard, but your gonna be ok. She's proudly watching from heaven so much love for her baby, that grew up to be the wonderful man you are today ❤❤
I appreciate the kind words, but I really don't think she would be proud of me. The way I handled her death initially was not 0good. I basically went on a 10 year drinking and drugging rampage, drinking anything and taking anything I could to numb the pain I felt with losing her. I was looking for the love I lost when I lost her and never found it. Thankfully my daughter came into this world and saved me. But the lasting emotional effects are deep and lasting. I'm not proud of who I am and I don't think she would be either. I suppressed my emotions for so long I honestly don't know how to be happy. When I do feel happy it never seems to last long and l always self sabotage and hurt myself in someway or another.
@carpenter83 many people in your situation, would of reacted the same as you did, to young to understand, but drink and drugs helps make those thoughts the sadness go away. I understand all that, then God blessed you with a angel, a miracle, your daughter ❤❤ when you want to see and feel true happiness, just look into her eyes ❤ I strongly believe your mum loves you very much ❤ and is so proud that you made it through the dark side and now shine in the light ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I'm always here if you need to talk ❤
Sometimes I just want to go back to the numbness, go back to those days of darkness where there is no pain, no anger, no sadness. The struggle is real. And when a traumatic event happens and I have no real coping skills and all I've ever known is to block out those feeling one way or another. Honestly I scare myself sometimes with how easily I can just turn off my emotions and feel nothing. But coming back from that place is not always easy.
@carpenter83 it's ok sweetie ❤ it's not a easy path, you've been through and lost so much, so young😥 my heart goes out to you ❤ but your not alone, never alone I'm right here with you and I ain't gonna leave. Special occasions/events are really hard, and instead of addressing your feelings, you want to numb and ignore them. Cause that's how you've always coped. But not anymore, your stronger than that now, with a tiny miracle to keep you on the right path ❤ this is not gonna be a easy journey for you, but you don't have to struggle alone anymore, I'll be here with my arms wide open to hug you, I'll hug you close to my heart always and be here to wipe your tears, and support you in any way I can, we are all here for you ❤ it's all gonna be ok ❤ you can do this, I got you ❤
I don't understand how it can still hurt this much all these years later. Am I ever gonna be normal, be able to.be happy without punishing myself for it?
There was a point when I thought I was maybe starting to get a step ahead of all these mental health issues and thought I would be ok. Then I had a car accident that put me so far back, and that's when I began thinking that I must not be meant to live a normal happy life. One night while I was driving to the store 3 years ago a guy, a pedestrian walking decided it was me and my car he would use to commit suicide. He darted out from some bushes and I didn't even have a chance to slow down. I still have nightmares about it and sleepless nights. Nights where I don't want to go.to sleep cuz i don't want to go back there, or go.back to that hospital room where I held her hand as she took her last breath. If I don't sleep I at least know I won't be going back there.
God I so screwed up.
@carpenter83
Offering you much hugs and support. I can't imagine the pain of losing your mother, especially before you're ready to be without your mother. What you are going to do for your mother sounds very sweet. I am sure she looks at you and is proud of you. Please let us know how we as a community can offer you support, especially with Mothers Day coming up.
