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castilloLuna08
1 55 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceMarch 1, 2022
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Do I Hate Men/Letting go
Personality Disorders Support / by castilloLuna08
Last post
 March 5th, 2022
...See more Hi, I’m 29 y/o and recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It had been a lot of ups and downs for a really long time and we were both suffering. We were long distance but could never agree on what the next step was. I felt really stuck in place for the last 2 years. We’d broken up before when we first tried out the distance but when we got back together 7 months later I really thought going into it consciously and willing to work through our issues would make things work. But no. I threatened to hurt myself during our last argument because I was so upset. This is out of character for me (no past history with physical self harm) and that moment kind of snapped me out of it and I knew officially I was not okay. It’s been almost 3 months and although I’m making progress and going through the motions, everything feels like it’s moving really slowly. Sometimes I wonder if he’s doing fine or if he’s Even relieved not to be with me anymore. And it makes me feel pressure to also be fine about the break up but I’m not. I wonder if I just don’t want to let go out it even though I know I made the right decision. We couldn’t communicate at all and everything was a fight. I have a lot of support and see a therapist regularly but something in me keeps comparing my journey to what I think his journey is (we have had zero contact, and I deleted social media). I know time heals all. I’ve been here before. But ironically I’m still scared to never get over him when I feel he’s probably doing fine without me. The breakup didn’t help. He was acting very childish during the whole thing and I understand it was because he was in pain, but I tried to be really civil and kind and acknowledge that I was grateful for the relationship. He has no idea how much a simple sentence of appreciation for my presence in his life would’ve allowed me to be at peace. I still need that but won’t be getting it. Instead he blamed it all on me which hurt a lot. Secondly, I also recently lost a male friend who was adding no value to my life. I know that was also the right call but I keep questioning myself there too. I’m starting to wonder: do I have a problem with all men or have I just chosen wrong men to be in my life and now is when I’m clearing them out? It’s a painful process because I’m starting to feel alone/like I can’t have a healthy relationship with a man. And I’m starting to feel a bit bitter towards the gender in general since I have no one really in my life who’s a male who I really look up to. It feels like a lot of my relationships are falling apart because they’re not made to be in the next decade of my life but it’s all very lonely and keeps me wondering if the problem is me.
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