Do I Hate Men/Letting go
Hi,
I’m 29 y/o and recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It had been a lot of ups and downs for a really long time and we were both suffering. We were long distance but could never agree on what the next step was. I felt really stuck in place for the last 2 years. We’d broken up before when we first tried out the distance but when we got back together 7 months later I really thought going into it consciously and willing to work through our issues would make things work. But no. I threatened to hurt myself during our last argument because I was so upset. This is out of character for me (no past history with physical self harm) and that moment kind of snapped me out of it and I knew officially I was not okay. It’s been almost 3 months and although I’m making progress and going through the motions, everything feels like it’s moving really slowly. Sometimes I wonder if he’s doing fine or if he’s Even relieved not to be with me anymore. And it makes me feel pressure to also be fine about the break up but I’m not. I wonder if I just don’t want to let go out it even though I know I made the right decision. We couldn’t communicate at all and everything was a fight. I have a lot of support and see a therapist regularly but something in me keeps comparing my journey to what I think his journey is (we have had zero contact, and I deleted social media). I know time heals all. I’ve been here before. But ironically I’m still scared to never get over him when I feel he’s probably doing fine without me. The breakup didn’t help. He was acting very childish during the whole thing and I understand it was because he was in pain, but I tried to be really civil and kind and acknowledge that I was grateful for the relationship. He has no idea how much a simple sentence of appreciation for my presence in his life would’ve allowed me to be at peace. I still need that but won’t be getting it. Instead he blamed it all on me which hurt a lot. Secondly, I also recently lost a male friend who was adding no value to my life. I know that was also the right call but I keep questioning myself there too. I’m starting to wonder: do I have a problem with all men or have I just chosen wrong men to be in my life and now is when I’m clearing them out? It’s a painful process because I’m starting to feel alone/like I can’t have a healthy relationship with a man. And I’m starting to feel a bit bitter towards the gender in general since I have no one really in my life who’s a male who I really look up to. It feels like a lot of my relationships are falling apart because they’re not made to be in the next decade of my life but it’s all very lonely and keeps me wondering if the problem is me.
@castilloLuna08
Hi, I'm sorry to hear about the recent breakup. 💜
If I'm understanding, you were in a long-distance relationship and things had been up and down for a while. But during the last argument, you were really upset to the point of threatening to hurt yourself, which isn't something you've usually struggled with. So at that point you reflected on things and felt like, "Wow, something must be really wrong here for me to do that."
You wonder how he's feeling about things and feel some pressure to be "over" the breakup (based on imagining that maybe he's moving on more quickly) even though it's affected you a lot and there are still some unresolved feelings with it.
During the breakup itself, he sort of blamed everything on you when you were trying to be more even-handed, empathetic, and appreciative. And you wish he hadn't done that and had shown some good will at the end since you're still carrying those words/feelings that he expressed.
You also had another male friendship recently that collapsed. In both cases, you feel confident that you made the right call by ending things, but it raises this question for you of, "What is going on with males such that all of my relationships with them seem to be in bad shape? Did I just pick bad people, or are most of them like this? Or is it something with me?" 😊
If you'd like to have a 1-on-1 chat with someone, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept chats on breakups.
Hi! I totally understand how you mean about that feeling that you might never move on, but I promise you you will! I was in this 1 year relationship that seemed to be going oerfect, we went out to eat for our anniversary, and my partner had written me a letter, saying how lucky he is to have me, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. 3 days later he broke up with me without giving me any explanations. I has completely shattered! And the hardest part was that even though I had rebuilt myself, I was comparing every male interaction with what I had with him. No one cane even close to reaching the standard that he put in place. But after 3 years (yes thats a lot but at least it got better) I now see him, and realize how my vision was tinted by my need for him. I did love him, but more than that I needed him. Because he filled the void I constantly felt. But I am here on the other side of all that hard work and I can assure you that it gets better. If he is in fact happy now, then you weren’t meant to be, which means you will find even better then what you had! And like I said i know right now you automatically compare, but people with bpd tend to idolize loved ones sometimes. I don’t want you to ever think you are the problem! Yes being around someone with bod can be hard, and draining, but we are so much more than that! And whoever doesn’t see you for you can leave!
here to talk if ever you need to💕