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cherrryslush
157 M Embraced 1
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2020 Member sinceSeptember 4, 2020
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I always feel guilty, yet I never feel valid.
Eating Disorder Support / by cherrryslush
Last post
 September 21st, 2020
...See more I have never been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, but for the past 8 years, I have struggled with what I consider ednos. Symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia unfortunately find their way into my life in cycles. Heavy restriction for a period of time. Binging and purging for a period of time. Maybe an overexercising phase for a few weeks. Nothing ever lasts, but I suspect that is because of my BPD, which makes it difficult for me to see tasks through to their end. Because of this, I feel like I'm not even "good" at having an eating disorder, as sick as that sounds. I find it so easy to compare myself to others. This is especially true compared to other people I know with eating disorders. One of my close friends has struggled with disordered eating, but during lockdown, their anorexia consumed them, and they are now severely underweight. Though I am small for my size, I am not dangerously small. I know it is messed up, but I can't help but wish I was as small as my friend. Part of me wishes I had the strength to restrict like her and become as skinny as she is. Which I know is beyond disgusting is a thought, to wish for something so cruel, but I can't help but want it. Bevause instead of restricting constantly, I only do it sometimes. I try to fast when I can, but not always. Lately I have been cooking and eating normal dinners with my boyfriend. Maybe it's because he's around, but I don't feel as anxious or guilty when eating (cont)
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