I always feel guilty, yet I never feel valid.
I have never been formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, but for the past 8 years, I have struggled with what I consider ednos. Symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia unfortunately find their way into my life in cycles. Heavy restriction for a period of time. Binging and purging for a period of time. Maybe an overexercising phase for a few weeks. Nothing ever lasts, but I suspect that is because of my BPD, which makes it difficult for me to see tasks through to their end. Because of this, I feel like I'm not even "good" at having an eating disorder, as sick as that sounds.
I find it so easy to compare myself to others. This is especially true compared to other people I know with eating disorders. One of my close friends has struggled with disordered eating, but during lockdown, their anorexia consumed them, and they are now severely underweight. Though I am small for my size, I am not dangerously small. I know it is messed up, but I can't help but wish I was as small as my friend. Part of me wishes I had the strength to restrict like her and become as skinny as she is. Which I know is beyond disgusting is a thought, to wish for something so cruel, but I can't help but want it.
Bevause instead of restricting constantly, I only do it sometimes. I try to fast when I can, but not always. Lately I have been cooking and eating normal dinners with my boyfriend. Maybe it's because he's around, but I don't feel as anxious or guilty when eating (cont)
Hello @cherrryslush. I am proud that you found the courage and strength to come onto this platform and share your story. I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you and it's hard to make sense of it right now. I really do hope you get the clarity that you need for this and it gets better for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out to a listener if you'd like to talk more 
Thank you @CheeryMango, you don't know how much your message means to me. Thank you for your support.
@cherrryslush
Honestly that perfectly describes my situation! I've always been kinda on the chubby side, and it wasn't until last year that I actually lost a significant amount of weight (15 lbs. I gained 5 back though). I'm about 5'2" and about 118-122 lbs right now, but I really really really want to get down to between 95 and 100 pounds. I want so badly to finally be skinny. Think Jennie or Lisa of BlackPink, Nana of After School, Gayoon of 4Minute, or Wheein of Mamamoo. That's what I'm supposed to look like. People always tell me I am skinny and I am beautiful and perfect as I am but I don't feel that way. I don't feel skinny or beautiful. I don't feel okay. I want to. It's weird. I have this positive and healthy mentality, then I also have this negative and sick mentality. I honestly want to purge or not eat. I only eat so people don't worry and I don't purge because we only have one bathroom and I can't get my hands on anything to make me actually throw up or anything. I just suffer in this relationship that food and I have.
