cloudieday Member Profile

...See more I tried to break up with my boyfriend on Sunday night. I went for a drive afterwards because I was pretty distraught, and he had barely reacted so I pretty much thought he was ready to end it too. He called me and told me to come back so we could talk about logistics. I came back and he asked me if I meant it, meant that I wanted to break up. As soon as I said yes he started crying and asked me "Why am I not enough for you?" I took it back and promised to keep working on my mental health in hopes that everything magically fixes itself. This similar conversation has happened three times now in our relationship. --- First time was only a few months in and I felt that it was not good for either of us to pursue a relationship as my mental health was very bad and I wouldn't be a good partner. He called me out saying that the whole "its not you its me" and "my mental health will make things too hard for me to be a good partner" excuses were *** and he wouldn't give up on me. So I ended up taking him back after a few says of not speaking. Second time was after we moved in together and I caught him emotionally cheating on me with another girl online. My brain was telling me that this was inevitable and I deserved it for my mental health affecting me too greatly and causing this rift between us. So I tried to break up with him again saying that he shouldn't have to stay with someone who cannot be a good partner. I couldn't trust him again. Etc. He told me that we can work together to both be better and be happier. I took him back again. --- Now its happened again. But this time I'm angry. I am so angry with myself for doubting my own feelings again. I am so sick of doubting myself. I am no longer excited to see him, I feel uncomfortable, I lie more (about the most benign of things???), and much more. The stress of this relationship is making my mental health worse. But because I still care for him, I went against my own wishes so that he wouldn't spiral into thinking he wasn't enough. I don't want to become resentful. But I fear that if I continue the farce much longer that is exactly what will happen. I love him but he broke my trust already and its never really grown back. I have found myself in a great deal of heartache after realising I have a crush (albeit small) on someone else. I haven't had that before the entire time we've been together. To be respectful to both my partner and myself I know I have to end things. I need help in being assured that breaking up is the right thing to do, and that he will be okay eventually? TLDR; I want to breakup with my boyfriend but I'm scared to hurt him. Am I a bad person for delaying the inevitable?

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