Third time breaking up: no charm.
I tried to break up with my boyfriend on Sunday night. I went for a drive afterwards because I was pretty distraught, and he had barely reacted so I pretty much thought he was ready to end it too.
He called me and told me to come back so we could talk about logistics. I came back and he asked me if I meant it, meant that I wanted to break up. As soon as I said yes he started crying and asked me "Why am I not enough for you?" I took it back and promised to keep working on my mental health in hopes that everything magically fixes itself. This similar conversation has happened three times now in our relationship.
---
First time was only a few months in and I felt that it was not good for either of us to pursue a relationship as my mental health was very bad and I wouldn't be a good partner. He called me out saying that the whole "its not you its me" and "my mental health will make things too hard for me to be a good partner" excuses were *** and he wouldn't give up on me. So I ended up taking him back after a few says of not speaking.
Second time was after we moved in together and I caught him emotionally cheating on me with another girl online. My brain was telling me that this was inevitable and I deserved it for my mental health affecting me too greatly and causing this rift between us. So I tried to break up with him again saying that he shouldn't have to stay with someone who cannot be a good partner. I couldn't trust him again. Etc. He told me that we can work together to both be better and be happier. I took him back again.
---
Now its happened again. But this time I'm angry. I am so angry with myself for doubting my own feelings again. I am so sick of doubting myself. I am no longer excited to see him, I feel uncomfortable, I lie more (about the most benign of things???), and much more. The stress of this relationship is making my mental health worse. But because I still care for him, I went against my own wishes so that he wouldn't spiral into thinking he wasn't enough.
I don't want to become resentful. But I fear that if I continue the farce much longer that is exactly what will happen. I love him but he broke my trust already and its never really grown back. I have found myself in a great deal of heartache after realising I have a crush (albeit small) on someone else. I haven't had that before the entire time we've been together. To be respectful to both my partner and myself I know I have to end things. I need help in being assured that breaking up is the right thing to do, and that he will be okay eventually?
TLDR; I want to breakup with my boyfriend but I'm scared to hurt him. Am I a bad person for delaying the inevitable?
Hey!
That sounds very stressful and I’m sorry to hear your situation. It looks like your gut already knows exactly what you need to do! This is your gut we are talking about- it knows you and your situation better than anyone else could.
—
-Will he be ok?
Hmm. That’s up to him, and there is nothing we can do about it. Who’s to say he’s ok right now? Sounds like he is stressed too. But other questions to ask could be:
Will I be ok? Am I ok right now? If not, what can I work on to move in the right direction?
Love is a mysterious thing. We can do all kinds of things for another person, but in the end, we have to put ourselves first. When we care about our own wellbeing, we will only allow people who care equally or more about us in our lives. That is when love between two people can finally begin.
—
-Am I a bad person?
We are whoever we decide to be in each moment. It’s why abusers are able to love bomb, and why loving mothers can turn into toxic parents. Each moment we are alive, we have the privilege (or curse, depending on how you see it) to change who we are. What’s important is to be aware of this, and to start making small decisions in each moment to move towards the direction we want to go next.
—
Good luck!!! I believe in you.