coffeecalamity Member Profile

...See more Its not easy for me to open up to people about things that are painful to me, most of the time its not even physically possible (throat closes up, I start crying and become unintelligible, etc.), and I feel like this has put up a wall between my best friend and I that I just can't get around. She just doesn't understand the place I'm coming from when I express particular opinions of mine and it hurts not being able to explain it to her. I feel like because I don't tell her about my past, I can't tell her about my present. When I'm upset and hurt by something that is happening currently there is often some sort of backstory to why it hurt me the way it did that she would need to know to understand. As an example, I got into an argument with my older sister (who is also my roommate) about how how much I eat. I had offered to make burgers and when she said she wasn't hungry I decided to wait until I was more hungry to eat. She made a big deal about me not eating then and there and how guilty it made her (in a joking manner) but it really upset me. I wanted to tell my friend about it, but I was afraid I would appear childish and whiny if she didn't know I struggled with a borderline eating disorder in the past. Then the issues that don't need backstory tend to be less painful and I don't feel like I deserve to talk about them. If I don't talk about the big stuff then I have no right to talk about the little stuff. It makes me feel like a bad friend because I'm the one who built this terrible wall between us. Because I don't tell her when I'm hurt I feel like I've closed myself off to her as a resource for when she's hurt. I'm worried she feels as lonely and isolated as I do. All because of me. I desperatly want to open up to her so she knows who I am and where I'm coming from and so I can fix the damage I'm doing to us, but I just can't. I can't just spill my life story out to her over taco bell like its a normal thing. It would be totally inappropriate to open a conversation with, "I had to call the cops on my dad twice when i was 18 and it makes me sad." When I do find an opportunity to tell something about myself, I'm either plauged with guilt over burdening my friend with these painful details of my life or I treat it as if it doesn't hurt me. Like its a joke. How do I break down this wall I've made?

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