How to open up to a friend
Its not easy for me to open up to people about things that are painful to me, most of the time its not even physically possible (throat closes up, I start crying and become unintelligible, etc.), and I feel like this has put up a wall between my best friend and I that I just can't get around. She just doesn't understand the place I'm coming from when I express particular opinions of mine and it hurts not being able to explain it to her.
I feel like because I don't tell her about my past, I can't tell her about my present. When I'm upset and hurt by something that is happening currently there is often some sort of backstory to why it hurt me the way it did that she would need to know to understand. As an example, I got into an argument with my older sister (who is also my roommate) about how how much I eat. I had offered to make burgers and when she said she wasn't hungry I decided to wait until I was more hungry to eat. She made a big deal about me not eating then and there and how guilty it made her (in a joking manner) but it really upset me. I wanted to tell my friend about it, but I was afraid I would appear childish and whiny if she didn't know I struggled with a borderline eating disorder in the past.
Then the issues that don't need backstory tend to be less painful and I don't feel like I deserve to talk about them. If I don't talk about the big stuff then I have no right to talk about the little stuff.
It makes me feel like a bad friend because I'm the one who built this terrible wall between us. Because I don't tell her when I'm hurt I feel like I've closed myself off to her as a resource for when she's hurt. I'm worried she feels as lonely and isolated as I do. All because of me.
I desperatly want to open up to her so she knows who I am and where I'm coming from and so I can fix the damage I'm doing to us, but I just can't. I can't just spill my life story out to her over taco bell like its a normal thing. It would be totally inappropriate to open a conversation with, "I had to call the cops on my dad twice when i was 18 and it makes me sad." When I do find an opportunity to tell something about myself, I'm either plauged with guilt over burdening my friend with these painful details of my life or I treat it as if it doesn't hurt me. Like its a joke.
How do I break down this wall I've made?
@coffeecalamity I'm sorry you are experiencing this, opening up can be really scary and the words don't always come out. I can relate with how you feel, talking about the past is more difficult than it seems, and it's really frustrating because you're afraid people might not understand, you don't want to think about bad memories etc... Anyway, you made the decision to open up - that's incredibly brave of you, and it's the first step to reach your goal which is telling the truth to your best friend. I'm sure if she really cares, she will do her best to make you feel not judged and comfortable. I can understand opening the conversation seem really hard, maybe you could start with something along the lines of "I know there are many things about me which seem worrying and confusing, and that's because you still aren't aware of some stuff that happened in the past " and then see how she reacts. Another good methods would be writing it, and making her read it. You look like you care a lot about her and you want the best for your friendship, you can do it, it will be tough but you're strong, remember that. Good luck, if you decide to open up <3
@coffeecalamity
Everyone's a little different about how they open up and that's okay! You can tell your friend your past in whatever way is most comfortable to you, even if that means telling her some of your struggles over Taco Bell in the morning.
Showing vulnerability is a lot harder than you would think and a lot of people keep their fears and emotions bottled up :\
Here's a pretty good post talking about how you can open up!
You can also try starting small, such as journaling or opening up like you're doing right now anonymously over the internet and building your comfort level until you can open up to your friend.
Sending you my love and support!!
-xx
Hey there, my friend. Are you feeling okay? I'm sending a big hug your way. We are all here to listen to you and help you through your struggles. You are never alone here. @coffeecalamity :)
Thank you for sharing what you are going through with us and being so open and honest. I'm hearing that speaking to strangers is easier that people close to you. I think sometimes it is easier to socialise with strangers just because you feel free to say anything without judgment or feel like you don't care if they judge you but sometimes the people closest to you can hurt you the most because if they judge you, you are more likely to care about it. Do you feel that way sometimes?
You have been through a lot and you are so strong for coming on here and for being open. I am sort of the same when it comes to my mum, I hate leaving anything personal around her because she actually read my diary when I was younger and completely put me off it but sometimes its easier to write rather than to talk to someone. That's a great way to communicate as well and if you feel like you need to tell someone, have you thought about writing to them?
Sometimes it can be difficult to share things because of trust, if you have had your trust broken, it can change how and what you tell people. I think being less scared of what people think, you need to be confident in yourself and you need to practice positive self talk. Have a look at those factsheets they might help you a bit more.
Hope this helps and Take care of yourself 
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**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**