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So I was in a relationship for the last few years. It ended recently without much closure or resolution. It started a while back though. I have a couple of problems that we had come up through our relationship. One of them, as a counselor told me, was gray area social relationships. Where I have friendships with people online on social media that are available and sometimes sending me flirty messages. Before when she would bring this up I would blow it off as I don't have any interest in them and I don't respond to anything they send me. Really? I see now was an excuse. Because of some trust issues and trauma from previous relationships and family relationships, I probably kept these people around just so I would have that security blanket that someone is there if I need them and I'm not totally abandoned without anyone. But of course at the time I wasn't thinking about that. That only came out as I was talking to the online counselor chat. And now I see that one though it wasn't cheating on her. It was basically the same thing. It was creating an insecurity for her and destroying some of the trust in our relationship. So this would go on and I would delete one or two people here or there or unfollow them. But I never went through and really committed to cleaning up my act. Because I didn't think it was that big of a problem or didn't want to see it. Anyway. My other issue is how I would deal with our conflicts and when I was having issues with our relationship. I have a tendency to shut down and shut out everything around me. To where I can compartmentalize things into little boxes, deal with it by myself and on my own and then I would come back and be better. Like nothing happened. And this was a fine method for me alone. But as part of a relationship, it was pointed out that to build and grow and strengthen the connection of the relationship. You have to be each other's support group. And I took that away from her and us as far as being each other's support group and letting each other help. The other one heal. And sometimes just by talking things out or having an actual argument. Which I refuse to do and would literally get up and leave and go home and stay there for days or a week and just totally block her out. So we're both adults middle to later middle age. We have a house and condo individually. But the last couple of years we basically lived together. Due to the schedules it was more of a weekend relationship but it was consistent every weekend and we were talking from morning to when I would go to bed almost everyday. Well a couple of times I've done this block out and the last time that I did it in September I think around Labor Day when I came back she told me it needed to be the last time that she couldn't deal with that anymore and that I needed to talk to her and be able to get through this together. And of course I said I would do it and I had no idea what it was doing to her. I didn't think it was a big deal really. Even though I was sincerely sorry for hurting her at that particular moment and I was emotional about that because it hurt me to see her hurt. I didn't realize what my actions fully were doing to her. So the rest of September goes by October, November, December. And now we're approaching Christmas and it's the weekend before Christmas I come over and she's not feeling great due to some medicine she's starting taking and my brother wants to meet at a place to eat and hang out so I asked her and she doesn't like the place which is fine and they change locations so that it would be more along the line she wanted. So a little bit goes by and it's time to leave to go meet them and she just says then she's not feeling like it and then she told me she didn't think I should go. I needed to stay with her and I really wasn't thinking about how she was feeling physically or emotionally. So I get on my phone and kind of block her out and I messaged my brother. Yeah things weren't going well and I don't know if I'm going to make it. Well I think she said something to me. Am I not going to talk to her or something and I just continue to block her out for like 2 hours? I think I sit there. And finally I get up and go to the bathroom and then walk in the bedroom and get my suitcase and walk out and she asked me when I shut the door. I I didn't really understand her at first but she asked me was I coming back soon or maybe she said how long are you going to be gone or something to that effect. But I was angry and I was shutting down so I just slammed the door shut and went home. Well a few days go by the whole weekend getting into the week and it's Christmas Eve and I'm still processing my anger. So I continue to block her out and any plans or anything we had for Christmas is now gone. And I woke up Christmas morning and it hit me what I did. I let it happen again and this time it didn't take me getting there to see her hurting that I was destroyed on the inside. So I started texting and calling and doing everything I could to make amends. I was almost in full panic mode. She agreed to meet for New Year's Eve. So we stayed up to watch the ball drop in New York. But it wasn't something that was super huge. Huge as far as our New Year. The last couple years we had watched the ball dropped in New York and it was almost midnight our time so she said she was tired and I was beat so I was driving home and I'm on the road for New years and send her a happy New years text and for the next few days we start back texting and she had told me she needed some time to work through things and and okay. So through January we had a lot going on and I saw her maybe two times between January and the beginning of February. She missed my birthday but, because she wasn't feeling well due to the medication and she took it on Fridays. Fridays so that would usually have her sick Friday, Saturday and going into Sunday.bye. which was our time together Friday, Saturday Sunday. And my birthday was on a Saturday so this all happened and I excused it as just it's the medicine right. I think at that point whether she knew it or not she was starting to block me out. But we still text almost everyday. But slowly the text got a little more sporadic and a little further apart. And she didn't respond as soon as I sent her a message and then in response to that, I didn't respond when she would send me a message. And every weekend I'm trying to make the connection back. Let's meet for lunch. I'll come over fine so on and so forth and each time it's I'm not feeling great through the medicine. I just want to chill. I just can't be around people. I'm not being around anyone. Well she had some stuff going on at Christmas also with her mother not being well and being in the hospital. So I was there for that in the beginning and then we had our our issue and I wasn't there when she had to go back to the hospital. And so that created more separation during that time and probably made her feel like I wasn't there for her. And I wasn't. But at this point I still don't realize what I'm doing to her right now. I know what I've done to her. So a few weeks go by like this and I message her on Friday, asking could we meet for dinner or something and then Saturday morning I hadn't had a response so I messaged her again. But it takes a little while. I think it's afternoon when she messages me and she tells me I think it's time to let go of the relationship and us just be friends. And that hit me pretty hard. So I immediately went back into lockdown mode. I didn't know how to handle it and I did send her a message or two but couple of weeks go by. And finally I sent her a message and she said you need to stop. This is what a breakup means. Separation or being a part or something like that. And I responded back and said well. I think I stop some things there and I could come get them if you want to leave them out for me or what not. And I'm thinking at this point you know my stuff's been there this whole time and I'm going to be back and we're going to be together and we're going to get through it. So I go over to pick up my stuff and it's all outside the door and I go up and grab it. And I'm thinking that I should just stop and knock on the door and talk to her. But I don't. I go home and I'm sitting there looking at the stuff. I brought the suitcase, the toiletries and things and I realized this was everything that was there or almost everything. And it really hit that the relationship was ending. And I locked down again but this time not in the same way. This time I'm thinking I have to change. And she had recommended therapy and talking to someone about my problems before. So I immediately started looking online and found several group sessions and chats where I could talk out things. And that's where I came to realize the toxicity of this gray area social relationship Network that I had and how that destroyed her confidence and trust in me being there for. And I also began to work through how me isolating her and shutting her out was preventing us from making the connection and building by working through problems instead of me just going alone fixing them myself and coming back and pretending everything was okay. Because she wasn't okay. She was hurt and alone. And I did that. So I'm realizing all this about a week ago or so and I'm like a month has passed. Maybe a little more. And I really start to get anxious. So I come up with a little plan because I make plans. And I'm going to send her a letter, and just kind of explain things and then go to her and tell her how I've been working through it and how I've been seeking help to make things better so that it doesn't happen again and that she can trust that I'm going to be there for and be the person she needs me to be to support her and protect her. So I mailed the letter at the beginning of the week and I know it's going to be in your mailbox by The Weeknd. But at her community mailbox. It's a literal box and she doesn't check it every week. So now I'm kind of in a little panic over this. Because I don't know when she's going to get the letter. And then I think well, I'll send her flowers as kind of an Icebreaker back. So I go online and find some flowers from a nice flower shop and plan everything and I just put a simple note attached to it. I said thinking of you, J. And she would know immediately who it was that probably didn't even have to put the note I would think. And through this whole time the last few years she was the person I trusted more than anyone else. She was the person I depended on even more way more than she depended on me. Mainly because I wasn't there for all the time when she really needed it. But now through this I've been talking through realizing my problems and realizing what it's doing to her. And it's not helping me either. So I finally realized that all of this has been causing so much conflate and it would be so simple for me to fix. It might not be the easiest thing, but just talking through things and letting an argument go through from beginning to end and play out actually would strengthen our relationship. Rather than me leaving and taking that with me. I deprived us of being each other's support group. Deprived us overcoming those difficulties together and coming out stronger in the end. So on Friday I know the flowers get delivered and I think Friday evening I sent a text and it was just I'd like to talk to you and sit down. Have a drink whatever. Just meet and talk. But so I don't get a reply. And I'm looking at the message and because we use different platforms, Android and Apple when the messages have been checked, it's a little different on those than Android android. So I look and I see the little bubbles and two little check marks and I'm like okay. Well that's how I think it should look. But then a friend from work sent me a message and I know they have an apple and then it went check marks and then they filled in when I replied back and I know they had checked it. So then I'm like well. Something's not happening to her messages they're not getting through. So I wait the next mornings when I saw this and I sent her another message and then I'm like I'm kind of getting worried. I don't know if you're getting the messages so I'm going to call in just a bit. And so I call and after like one ring it goes to voicemail. I left a message that sounded very drab and dark as far as my tone. It was just I really want to talk to you. I really want to see you. Almost literally verbatim. But my voice was down. So I look up what happens when somebody blocks your number and I realize that she had more than likely bought my number. And at that point I'm looking through and I realized that we no longer follow each other on *** or tick tock. Because during this self healing and counseling that I've been doing, I've been kind of separating myself from social media. Because that was another problem. I would get so involved in social media that I would block her out for hours on end being in my phone. And maybe I would respond to something she was saying but I wasn't involved in what she was saying. Well at this point I'm talking to a friend and they know both of us so is kind of a mutual friend and they recommend that you were planning to go over there. Just going over there. And I'm kind of afraid. They're like don't be a chicken, don't have pride, don't have any go. Just go over there and tell her how you feel what you've been doing. Tell her you've been doing online counseling and working through this and everything that's been going on. You've been trying to get to a better point so that it doesn't happen again. And I'm like feeling really anxious but at the same time I'm keyed up. Excited! Because I'm like I'm fixing me. And it's going to help us. It's going to make her happier. It's going to make our relationship stronger and I'm thinking this is just going to rekindle things. We're going to be right back. And there's also the little voice in my head that says that worse. You know, don't expect too much. You might just have to accept that y'all both agree where things are and you're happy and you talk and you get closure from being able to explain things to her and apologize, really apologize for what you've been doing and that you recognize it. And so I get there and a knock on the door and there's no answer. And I'm thinking she might still be asleep or in the shower. So I'll leave and go to the store and get water in a snack. And I come back and knock again and I send a text says hey I'm at the door. And there's nothing. And the little text bubbles are still saying the same thing and I'm like okay. Well I'm blocked so she can't see that. So I call and it goes straight to voicemail and I'll leave a message saying I'm at the door. I just want to talk things out. I really want to let you know how I feel and what I've been doing. You know something of that effect. I can't remember exactly the words but it was very mellow. Very calm. I wasn't emotional. I was still excited at this point but nervous. And I'm messaging my friend and she's telling me you know she was going to call her to check cuz she knew what was going on and so I got a message saying you have to stop. You need to leave. This is harassment if you keep coming back I'm going to call the cops. And that caught me so off guard. Because I wasn't expecting that at all. Never in a million years. If my best friends would have told me that morning she was going to call the cops on you just for going over there and knocking at the door and asking to see her. I would have said no way I know her and she knows me. So I sat there and I knock again and I text her and she's seized my message. I'm like I just want to talk. I just want to go through what's happened and explain things. And at the same time my friend sends me a message saying she's about to be calling her. And maybe this back and forth went on for 5 minutes after she had sent me that initial text and I'm trying to text with our friend who's saying she's about to call. She's trying to get to a spot where is quiet and then I'm trying to text. And then I hear a radio and a voice and I immediately knew that a police vehicle just pulled up and so I just stepped back and look over and I see them walking up so I walk over towards him. And then another vehicle pulls up and they asked me what my name is and not tell them. Yeah you're here for me. My names.. so they're like okay? Were you here at this door? And they asked me that I've been yelling or abusive or threatening. And I say no. Not at all. I'm calm right now. I'm very level. I'm not even upset. I was just here to talk about our relationship and where things are. And so I explained this to them about starting from the text breakup down and then I went back to December and what had happened. And so they both listen and when officer pats me down and everything and then one goes in knocks at the door and goes in to talk to her and then another police vehicle pulls up and another police officer comes up and starts asking me the same question. So I'll repeat the same thing. We go through it and so we talk about it and they're talking to her. And my friends texting me saying that she was trying to call her but she's not answering. So I'm like yeah the cops are here. It's probably not going to be a good time to call, LOL. So she messaged me that she left her a voicemail explaining while she was calling. And so this goes on for a little while and the cops comes out and he tells me she could have a warrant sworn out for me. But he doesn't think she will but she could. So I need to leave. And that I shouldn't come back or they could arrest me. Unless she had requested I come back. And that I don't need to contact her again or she could have a warrance worn out for me and me be arrested. Unless she contacts me first and wants to have mutual contact. And all that I tell him I understand. Never did. I think it would have escalated like that or that things would have gone that far. Not with as little interaction as went on. And I think she may have thought that I was very emotional and was coming there to do something to myself. But that was not the case. I would never put her through that, that would be so selfish and deceitful to do something like that to someone you care about. So I eventually told the police officers I was leaving and they kind of followed me down the stairs and out to the parking lot and they stood there as I left. And then on my way home. I remember the letter that's in the mailbox and I kind of panic and I'm like okay. I know it's post stamped with a date. But if she checks her mail later in the week then she might not even look at the post date or it might be smudged or blurred and she takes it to have a warrants worn out for me. So I had our mutual friend call her to tell her about the letter and that I'd previously wrote it and it should have been in the box for a few days now. And they talked and my friend told me that she was okay and she was worried about me. And I was glad she was okay as well. And to tell her I was okay. And then my friend told me not to get any hopes up. I need to. Keep working on me and getting better with dealing with things. And of course I am. I am very good at focusing and committing a project with almost no effect from the outside world on it. As a matter of fact, it's almost a problem because the world around me will stop turning almost as if time stops when I'm emotionally focused like that. So I'm afraid that going forward now without closure without any resolution or discussion that I'm going to be stuck in the time frame of we just broke up and I got a we just broke up and I got a text message saying that and I need to fix it and resolve things. Because I know I'm going to keep working on me and making me better. And I'm doing it so that it doesn't happen again. I'm working to where I can fix the problems that we had in our relationship. But now I don't know if she's going to be there. I don't know where she's at because I didn't talk to her. I don't know what exactly she's feeling or anything. And I have all this that I've been working on and I continue to work on and all the realizations that I've come to. With no one to share it with no one to connect with over it. I'm alone now. Which is probably what I deserve considering that's what I did with her. But before when I would do this it would be a week and then I would be right back with her and she would be there and we would make up and connect. But now I'm really alone. And I don't know what's going to be there when I get to the end. Not that there will be an end to self-improvement. I don't think there's ever a point where you can say you don't need to improve. But I know there's going to be a time where that focus and drive that keeps the world around me from spinning comes to an end and it goes back to normal. Where I'm just going to online sessions and chat groups occasionally to touch base and reaffirm what I've been working on. And I'm afraid of the crash that might happen at the end of that. Where are things going to be then. And what are my options going to be? The one one thing that I do have is that our mutual friend is there and maybe can give me some insight on things. But it's scary as *** not knowing. I can deal with loneliness, that's one of my strengths is being able to survive without other people. People. What I'm working on is surviving by allowing other people to help me cope and get through problems. By resolving our conflicts together by working and talking through them. And now there may not be an us for me to fix for the future. And the easy answer is you just have to move on and that eventually these emotions will fade. And for a normal person that might be the truth. But I know me and I know that when I'm really connected and love someone. It doesn't just go away. I can tell right now all that I could do this for months stop and it will be like the breakup was yesterday. And one thing I guess that I consider a positive is that she did tell her mutual friend that she wasn't looking to date anyone or move on now. I don't really know how to take that. Other than if there is the possibility for us to reconnect down the road, that's very good. But now I don't have a way to check fill out myself where things are at. I'm going to have to rely on our mutual friend when they talk to hopefully give me information that's helpful. And I'm sure she will. If there's information available. But I know I'm always going to see hope and be optimistic about it no matter what she says. Because the morning I left if you would have told me the cops were going to come and it was not going to go well I would have went anyway I know just to try to see her. Or maybe I would have done things a little different. But I never in a million years would have thought she would have called the cops. And not sure if it was. She was afraid I was going to do something crazy. I know that would have been self-inflicted I guess or what. I don't. But I never could have done that to her. That would have been the most damaging, rest and selfish thing! To someone you care about.. so now this is where I'm at. I know I've got to keep working on me. Keep talking things out with someone. Keep working through my problems. Make sure I don't slip back into any bad habits. But at the same time that's going to keep me alone. And it may sound crazy, even after this weekend being weeks after a breakup text and what went down yesterday with the police. Police. I'm still afraid I'm going to lose her, but I believe that I can fix it. I believe they're still in us to work for and be better for And maybe there is, maybe in weeks or a few months, there will be a reconnection and the opportunity will be there. So I just don't know what to do with all of this. I don't know where I need to go with things. And it's only the day after. And I'm working to get her back and I don't know if she's going to be there to come back. This is the scariest thing I've had to deal with in my life I believe; losing her. Thinking of a future without her. I just still feel so connected to her like she's just out of arm's reach. I haven't been sleeping well for the last few months, obviously probably due to this going on. But last night I woke up around 1:00 a.m. after going to bed at 10:00 p.m.. I had a dream and I dreamed that I was asleep and that I heard something? And I could hear her voice, I could fill her breath on my neck and smell her scent. And I turned over and I swear I saw her smiling at me. I could see her hair falling over her face and her eyes sparkling and she smiled. And she started moving away from me. And I couldn't tell the distance but she reached out and touched me and I swear I felt her hand on my arm take hold. As if she was trying to keep us together. And then I heard her call My name and I snapped awake. It couldn't have been any more real to me than the fact I was waking up in the dark in the middle of the night. Only when I looked around there was only darkness and she wasn't there. I couldn't go back to sleep so I started searching for meaning and looking through Google and ai and trying to figure out things. And the whole time I keep opening up my text message box, I look at social media, I look at my phone call history to see if I missed a call or a text or a friends request or anything. And that's Insanity right? And I caught myself doing this and I realized I have to stop. So I got on the phone here and started with this. And now is coming to a close. And the entire morning has stood still from 1:00 a.m. a little past 12:00 p.m.. and my day has not moved a second. I'm struggling a bit. With the unknown. With not being able to fix things or repair things with not knowing if she's going to be there in the end now I do have my friend that's going to update me so I'm keeping hoping that. But it's not the same as being able to talk or message. I'm just lost a bit. I'm a small sailboat being pushed across the ocean by relentless storm and I'm headed full steam ahead but I don't know what destination awaits. I don't know if it's going to be a familiar port or Rocky cliffs. God I wish I would have listened to her when she told me. And I cannot undo the past. All I can do is work on fixing things now for the future and pray that there is one. Because the one thing I have left is the hope of love. Maybe that will be enough.
