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This is going to be really long, but anyone who could take the time to read it I would be really appreciative as I feel like I need to get the whole story out, and any advice or answers would be so helpful from an outside point of view.
Me and my ex were together for almost 2 years, we lived together in our own rented house and lived together before we got together he’s 21 and I’m 26, but we were best friends at first and he was in love with me and I had doubts about the age difference, eventually though I fell for his kind funny and caring personality, and we got together. The relationship was great and he would do anything for me and we spent all our time together, but eventually I felt like I was missing the passion, excitement and little things that I felt I needed from someone that I wasn’t really getting from him. Because we lived together and this was his first serious relationship (I had two very toxic relationships before this) I felt like he didn’t really make much effort for us to do things together outside of the house, and eventually even though I encouraged him he would spend less time with his friends and more time with me so we would never really get our own space. He adored me though more than anyone I had been with, but sometimes I felt like I could be a bit cold or off towards him and we started having sex less often (I just wasn’t feeling it) but he stuck by me and would never tell me anything was wrong or he was unhappy.
In October after feeling unhappy with the relationship for a while, I called a break with him, and told him we needed some time and space apart from each other, as I told him I felt like I needed to miss him, he did everything for me but I needed my own independence again, and because I didn’t think it was fair on him that I was becoming less affectionate with him. He was obviously devastated and was so upset, but he accepted what I needed and went to stay at his mums house. While we were apart we spoke every day, we told each other all the time that we missed each other and loved each other (him more than me) and we saw each other a couple of times, but I told him I loved him but wasn’t sure whether I was in love with him anymore. At the time I felt like I was doing this for us, but now looking back I may have come across quite cold with him, because sometimes he would give me space and sometimes he wouldn’t. But it’s obviously because he was so upset and constantly told me he wanted to come home and loved me and missed me and was devastated. After about 5 weeks I told him we needed to meet up and speak about things that needed to change if we got back together, like us doing more things together snd spending quality time over quantity, and he agreed to make more effort. We had had conversations about this before though, and he said he would change before, but I did say to him I don’t want things to go back to how they were again. I told him if he was unhappy with anything for him to let me know too and he said he wasn’t. After our meal he came home and we had a lovely night together plus sex for the first time in ages, I felt like I had fell in love with him all over again and he felt the same.
After our night together I wanted to ask him to come home fully the day later but later in that day I got a text saying he was worried he would mess up again, so instantly I felt uneasy that he wasnt serious about it, when I felt like I had had that reassurance the night before, he was now even doubting himself? We ended up getting into a row which he apologised for he just said he was explaining how he felt. After this we ended up getting into more arguments, when before this we never ever used to argue, but I felt like he wasn’t trying to reassure me or try as hard with me as I would of liked, and he wasn’t very good at explaining his feelings to me anyway. After the argument my friend called him and said that he needed to try harder with me, to which he did he said he would book somewhere for us to go for a meal after we had been for a walk to sort things with him. I agreed to go and things were fine for a couple of days, but when we went for our walk, he hadn’t booked anywhere, and by then I was done listening to his excuses as to why he didn’t try, and felt like if I didn’t push him to do something he wouldn’t do it at all, so we got into another row, and I went home while he tried calling me all night to come round and fix things, but I told him I was that angry I didn’t want to speak to him.
After a couple of days of not speaking, I thought if he really cared he would try harder, he would turn up outside the door or something, and he didn’t. He didn’t speak to me for a few days and then called me saying he was sorry he had been in work and that’s why he hadn’t called, I felt like again another sorry excuse. I told him it wasn’t good enough and hung up the phone. After I got off the phone I cried my eyes out as all I wanted to do was see him but I felt like he wasn’t even caring as much as he used to. I then didn’t hear off him again for a few days, so I messaged him as I was so angry and annoyed he hadn’t bothered, I told him if he didn’t come and sort things out with me that night and resolve it then we would have to call it a day now. He agreed at first, and said he would be home when he finished work. Then later on he tried to ask if he could come the next day, if he was serious about sorting it out why wouldn’t he come that day? Another excuse I felt like why was this happening! So I told him again if you don’t come tonight then this is done, to which he said well I’m not coming. So he was done? I was in shock, I did not expect this from the person who was besotted by me. I know it probably sounds like I said things to make him care, but I felt like sometimes that’s what I had to do instead of talking him into doing things, that I felt like he was only doing because I told him too. I called him and cried why he was being this way with me? He said he was sorry but his head was so battered so I asked him to come and he agreed.
When he turned up a lot earlier than expected I was curious, had he been at work? By his sudden change in feelings and emotions towards me within less than a week I started overthinking everything and worrying that he wanted to end this because there was someone else, especially as I’ve been through this before. When he came he broke down in tears and told me he was depressed, and I asked to look at his phone because I felt so paranoid (I’ve never felt like that before in our relationship) and he let me look, there was nothing on there but his friend started phoning him and he started asking for his phone back. I asked him what did he have to hide and he told me nothing, don’t get me wrong he had told little white lies before in our relationship but nothing about who he had been with that I know of. Eventually I got it out of him that he had been with his friends not in work, and when I asked him why he had lied to me he told me he thought it wasn’t relevant. We argued most of the night and then he went home after we both cried to each other. I asked whether he could come back as I felt so lost to what was going on with us, he said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore but he would come back the next day. I was heartbroken, I didn’t know where this had come from or why this was happening, if anything I thought he would never walk out on me.
The day later we met up, I tried to get out of my mood but I was so upset I cried the whole time we were together, I just said I don’t understand why your not sure anymore, and he just said he didn’t understand either but he didn’t know why he felt that way, we cuddled in bed but afterwards we got into an argument again because we started arguing about it being someone else as I just over thought things and the way he was being more and more because of the lie the night before, and after that I went into panic mode. We spoke for a couple of days afterwards and he said he wanted to come home, but because I felt like he was being so up and down, I didn’t know where I stood and it drove me crazy, so we had another row over the same thing because I got so in my head that this was because of someone else and I didn’t trust him because of the lie. He then he had started to feel happier but then he was done because of everything that had happened, and I was gutted, I apologised but then told him I would let him go even though deep down I know I didn’t want to, I knew I had made the last couple of weeks a nightmare and wanted him to know I understood how he felt and that I was sorry I’d been the way I had but based on my emotions. I was a wreck after that, I couldn’t eat couldn’t sleep couldn’t stop crying at all. I couldn’t accept it was over, and every time he text me checking in on me, or about something I would either be angry, or dying for us to go back to how things were, and either way he told me he wasn’t happy and didn’t want this anymore because of everything that had happened and he didn’t feel anything for this anymore. And it killed me.
A few weeks after he said he wanted to come and get his stuff, I went back and forth over is this my doing or is this being done to me? I didn’t know whether to be angry or apologetic, have I ruined this or has he? I knew I had to do one last gesture to try and fix things, so I wrote him a nice letter, about how I really felt, to remind him being around me can be nice again, and at the end of the letter I booked somewhere we had for our anniversary meal and asked him to meet me, I knew he was probably going to say no, and I knew it would probably not change anything, but I asked whether we could meet just to leave things on nice terms. And when I got a text saying he couldn’t come because he was in work, it got my hopes up did he actually want to come? Eventually I found out that he didn’t want to, half of him he said was saying yes and half of him was saying no. But I felt like he wasn’t clear with me through most parts of this and that kept me clinging on.
With Christmas coming up I was worried about spending it on my own. I went from feeling so independent to feeling so lonely and missing him so much, but heartbroken he seemed not to care anymore. After Christmas he messaged to tell me he had paid the rent and hope I had a nice day on Christmas, but that when would I know what was going on with the house? As because I couldn’t afford the rent on my own he knew I had to move, but he had been paying it the whole time he had been here, and I saw red. I felt like how did he not understand it’s not that easy now he’s gone back to his mums and I’ve been left here to sort it out? In the end I decided to call him and explain, how long the process would take, and how cold he was on the phone really hurt and upset me, and he wasn’t very understanding. I felt like i was loosing everything because of his decision, and it broke me inside, how could this once so considerate person act like I don’t even matter or exist anymore?
After this we didn’t speak to a few days, until I saw something on social media that gave me the impression he was speaking to someone he worked with. While overthinking and putting the pieces together in my head, I assumed there was something going on so I messaged the girl I thought was involved, a polite message, asking for some clarity whether there was something going on, as I felt I couldn’t get the truth from him, and I have a lot of trust issues from other people in previous relationships. When she didn’t reply, I thought I had my answer, but someone else I knew who worked with her told me that she had a boyfriend, so I messaged the boyfriend and he told me she had called a break with him the night before, and that she openly told him that her and my ex were close and that he didn’t trust her anymore. I felt like I had fitted all the pieces together. He started to not tell me where he was with or who he was with as it “wasn’t any of my business anymore” and all this just added to me assuming things in my head.
Not long after that I got a message from my ex asking why I had messaged someone who he’s works withs boyfriend. He asked is he not allowed to have friends? I knew they were hanging out outside of work due to a mutual friend in common, and I just instantly accused him of lying to me and not being honest about her. When I messaged him back telling him that her ex boyfriend had told me they were no longer together, he told me they had been having issues for a while, so I thought straight away why is he telling me they were together if he knew this? And it felt like a massive coincidence this had all happened at the same time.
Now I made my biggest mistake, so full of worry and doubt and just wanting answers and the truth, I logged onto his emails from his laptop to find out whether there was anything he was keeping from me, when I found nothing on there, he found out and kicked off on me big time. He then told me he wouldn’t pay for the rent anymore and he was taking his name off the tenancy if I was going to look at his private stuff. Obviously I regret my actions now, but felt like I needed answers for the closure and I couldn’t seem to get it from anyone or get the closure I needed about why he fully didn’t want to be with me. Also when he told me we were over, I felt so lonely and needy I started to speaking to someone else, to distract me, and my ex was unaware of this, but in the heat of the argument I through it back at him when we argued over the email thing, as I felt like he thought I wanted him back and I wanted to be clear I didn’t, even if this is how I felt. This also was a massive mistake as he said he wasn’t paying for it anymore because of me and my new guy to be here, when I had never brought him to the house out of respect.
A few days later I got a message of the girl, saying I had caused a lot of shit in the relationship she was in, making him think that they were on a break because of my ex, when she said it wasn’t because of him. But her and my ex were close friends but He never spoke about her before this. I didn’t reply as again I didn’t know if this was a lie or the truth and to be honest I felt ashamed that I didn’t know what to say and didn’t message her back.
I then started to reflect on my actions, I felt I had caused this mess and realised I had messed up. I called him and cried my eyes out, told him I was a broken person, asked him to meet me which he refused, told him and apologised for why I had done what I had done and that my head hadn’t been right as to why I had done what I had done. He told me to get professional help but I knew already that’s what I needed because I had been so upset and depressed, and had lost so much weight so drastically over the past month or so. He told me that he had already convinced himself that we weren’t getting back together over the first 2 months, and He then told me he hopes that my new boy makes me happy, which hurt because I wanted him to make me happy. I then realised I needed to change my approach to everything as I was just making things worse all around. I first broken things off with the new boy, I know I was using him as a distraction, and that wasn’t fair to him or me. He was really nice and understanding with what I was going through but i knew I needed to work on myself first. I relied on my ex for so much stuff even like basic cooking and cleaning, that I no longer could even get out of bed, let alone start a new relationship, when it was clear anyway I still had feelings for my ex. I then vowed to never log on to anything again of his or get involved in anything in his life. I knew that was wrong and I knew it had made things worse. I started feeling more and more depressed thinking who have I become? Who am I? What will people think of me for these actions? And that I have probably just pushed him further away but unintentionally and only because I cared that much about him but gone about it the wrong way. I started over thinking everything again, is this the new girl? What could I have done differently?
A couple of days later he text me again, asking about whether I’d spoken to the landlord, about the rent, I told him he knew I couldn’t afford to pay it anymore. So he offered to pay some towards it, I wonder what had made him have a change of heart. I accepted obviously and that was the last time we spoke. It has been almost a week now since we spoke, and while I know it’s just about the house I get my hopes up every time he speaks to me. I’m so hurt by how things have turned out, I struggle to get it off my mind half the time, I keep blaming myself for this and feel like I should be doing more things to try and fix my mistakes, or whether I just need to focus on myself and forget about him. I go back and forth in my head all the time. I still miss him so much and feel so upset that a future with him is not a possibility anymore, I feel like I’m loosing everything we worked so hard for on-top of loosing him by moving to, I feel like I’m just going backwards. It hurts me every day that he doesn’t seem to care about me anymore like he did, I don’t even feel like I recognise that person I was in love with, he was always there for me but have I pushed him too that? I hate the fact I’ve probably come across in a certain way to him or others, when I know deep down I have a good heart, just sometimes I have trouble dealing with my emotions. I feel like I felt like it couldn’t work due to little things at the start that seemed much bigger now looking back, because the relationship wasn’t even that bad and I let that get to me too. I wish we could go back to how we were, I blame myself all the time that if I never called this break the worst wouldn’t be happening to me now, I feel like I took for granted how he was with me, and now I’ve lost it. I’d do anything for us to start a fresh and go back to how things wear but I know it must take two people to want to work on a relationship, but I cant help but worry I’ve shown him the relationship wasn’t that great in the first place, and I’m worried I’m going to blame myself for this forever. Or I have lost someone who really did care about me, that I won’t be able to get back.
